Jealousy and Insecurity – How to Deal

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

I have a sister in law who is gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. She looks like a model.  I am absolutely not gorgeous in any way. I am absolutely the dumpiest one.  Especially with not being able to take care of myself the way I did because our spare money is going to take care of our new baby. And yes I wish I was prettier but you know what? My husband loves me and thinks I am pretty and that is all that matters to me. When I feel ugly next to his SIL and his sisters who are also beautiful I try to remind myself of that. I know that eventually I will be able to do things to care for myself again and help me get back to normal. I just have to wait it out and give it time. 

So maybe just try to remember that your husband loves you when you feel badly about yourself. 

It also might be worth getting into therapy. No shame. I go and see my therapist every 2 weeks. I have anxiety and an eating disorder so it’s important that I go. So I do. 

Post # 3
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

Comparison is the thief of joy –

also, jealousy can be a signpost to show us what we desire. 

Take the focus off her, and put it back on yourself. Practice self care, exercise or move daily, eat right, hydrate,

and think of some affirmations to remind yourself that you are unique and beautiful. 

The thing about affirmations is, we have to come up with ones that we believe. So if you write out 5 qualities you absolutely KNOW you have, and then focus on one and actually write down why it’s useful and wonderful and great, 

this will go toward healing your self worth. 

It’s got nothing to do with her- she’s just a catalyst. 

If you practice this, affirmations and all, eventually you’ll feel centered in your sense of well being, and will be able to be generous in your appreciation of her. 

I guarantee you, she’s got an inner “ideal woman” kicking her ass and telling her what’s wrong with her and imperfect, too. We all do. 

Post # 4
Member
524 posts
Busy bee

Ha, I grew up with siblings and extended family who were blonde, blue-eyed, gorgeous, popular, you name it. I was the brunette oddball. My brother is very attractive and we ran in the same friend group. I still remember in high school when some rude girl expressed surprise that I was his sister and that ‘we didn’t look alike’. I can’t tell you how many times my siblings got away with crap behavior that I couldn’t, and everyone also just LOVED them because they were cute. 

The thing was, I was so busy comparing myself to everyone else that I sort of missed that I was attractive in my own right. I never had any trouble finding interested people to date, and I’ve had my share of attention. I think that the thing to remember is that people are attracted to different things, I can’t tell you how many times I discovered that my male friends preferred the more average looking woman in the room to the gorgeous one, because ‘i like her freckles’ or ‘she has a great smile’ or ‘her nose is really cute’. She wasn’t average to them. So I bet that a lot of the interest in the SIL is because she is newly thinner, but that will fade. The things that made you attractive are still there. 

Post # 5
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

I’m old so I can tell you there will always be someone prettier, smarter, thinner, more beloved than you.  Your SIL probably also has her insecurities and issues, especially if, as you say, she recently lost a few pounds because she probably felt fat before.  Pretty people, I think more than other people, worry a lot about losing their looks, and espeically about getting older and seeing other, younger, prettier people.

So, you are right to be thinking about how to move past this.  The only way to do that is to gain confidence in yourself and feel good about yourself.  Then it doesn’t matter that she is great –  you will feel great because you know you are great!  Every day, think of something that you did that makes you great, whether it’s that awesome chicken paella you made for dinner, or because you had a great hair day, or because you kicked ass at work, or you did an errand that made your husband’s life easier.  Make a point of doing that each day so you keep reminding yourself how great you are at least once a day.

Then, focus on your husband and relationship.  Take pleasue in having a wonderful man in your life who thinks you are wonderful.  He thinks you are #1, so you should too!  My husband is a huge ego-booster for me – tells me I am hot no matter how I look, lol.  That makes me feel like a million bucks every day even though I know that there are millions of younger, prettier women out there.  It doesn’t matter – I’m the one he wants.  No matter how your husband expresses his feelings toward you, whether in word or deed or gift, soak it up, believe it, and give it right back to him.  That happiness bubble will protect you from a stray jealous thought.

Post # 6
Member
5648 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

OP- I’m the “gorgeous” SIL in the scenario in my family. I’m attractive and a performer and former dancer and I’m funny and I can also be pretty stylish. In short, I know how to be “on” and radiant in a party or family gathering setting (which can make people appear more attractive than they actually physically are, just FYI). My SIL and Mother-In-Law have made comments over the years that make it clear that they sometimes feel uncomfortable when I show up to a party and I’m feeling myself (even when I haven’t said anything to them) so I’m going to share with you what I’ve said to them.

To me, all of my friends and people that I love are gorgeous and amazing in their own unique ways and when I show up to a celebration ready to glow, I’m hoping that others are showing up to glow too, then we all get to be amazing and inspired together. It is sometimes the case that I’m feeling not great and I don’t feel like being radiant and then if someone else at the party is doing it, then that helps me find my glow. But if I’m not feeling bright and neither is anyone else at the party, then we’re all sitting around feeling a little grey and dull- and sometimes that is okay, too, but generally, those parties don’t feel like much fun and I don’t find that people’s spirits are fed at the end of the party. We’ve come together to laugh and love on each other and have fun and enjoy our time together and having a “glowy” person in the group (or many glowy people) makes that a lot more fun and it all happens faster- It’s like going to a party with fairies and elves. 😉

If your SIL feels anything like I feel, then she loves or likes you and appreciates what is great about you (which you might not even be aware of because you’re so focused on how great she is and how unfavorably you compare to her). When she shows up to events, being her awesome and gorgeous self, that’s an opportunity for you to also just be your own awesome and uniquely wonderful self. The world doesn’t need two hers and she’s already busy doing a great job being her; you just have to find your own sweet spot and what makes you glowing and radiant (and at peace with yourself) and then just be awesome doing that.

What are things that you are good at and that make you happy and glowy?

Post # 7
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

I have always had insecurities, esp w/my facial complexion (blackheads, large pores, dull skin etc).  I know my fiance loves me and has eyes only for me.  I’m wondering does your husband comment on other women’s looks?  My ex was always checking out women and that made me insecure.  Not the fact that there were other pretty women just the fact that he always pointed them out.  My fiance does not.

Post # 8
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

anonmaros :  Ummm, every girl on my husband’s side of the family are fucking beautiful, blonde Russian girls. Like models. And I used to feel so insecure around them. But then I had a girl’s night with a few of them–there were shots–and they kept telling me about all of their insecurities. We shared. They were shocked to hear that I was insecure because according to them I was “stunning”. As women, we are taught by society that our value lies in our beauty. And you are comparing yourself to her because she is in your social circle and you consider her someone you are required to complete with. BUT no one else is comparing you. It’s just you. Seriously. My advice is to catch yourself when you are having these thoughts and recognize that you are two individuals and literally no one else is comparing you two.

Post # 9
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

I was watching the first episode of the Bachelor South Africa (where I live) yesterday, and it was the one where the 25 girls get to meet the bachelor for the first time. Each girl who got out of the limo was more gorgeous than the last, and when they were all in the same room together, I found myself wondering how they all felt about it. Each one of them is probably used to being the prettiest girl in her family/at her workplace/ in her friends group, and here they were surrounded other stunners.

My point is, no matter how beautiful you are, there will always be someone who is younger, prettier, has a better body. Even the most gorgeous girl in the world has insecurity, I can guarantee you. The trick is not to despise your insecurity or let it make you bitter towards other people and other women. Embrace your jealousy and insecurity, know that it’s normal and try to look at other, attractive women as sisters who are going through the same thing as you. Try to feel kindness for them – all of God’s creatures have their struggles, and you may see your SIL’s life as so perfect, but I can assure you she has (or has had) hardships and problems of her own. I really find it helpful to relate to women on a deeper level than just the superficial, physical one to take the sting off jealousy. Try and see what you might have in common. What might she be going through that you could offer support for? Learn who she is beyond just what she looks like.

The other thing about jealousy is that it’s a really useful compass to show us areas in our lives where we probably wish we could develop and improve. Instead of letting it make you bitter, look at what you are jealous of in the other person and ask how you could start developing those things in yourself. We are only jealous of things we see as valuable, so go out there and get those valuable things for yourself. If you wish you could lose weight, look into changes you could make to your eating and exercising. If you like the way she wears her hair or make-up, these are easy to achieve with a little bit of effort. If you envy her sweet disposition, make up your mind to be more smiling and charming to people. And so on.

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