Post # 1
I’m not sure if I’m the only one out there, but I find myself getting more and more jealous and bitter over other people’s weddings.
I’m getitng married in September 2016 myself, but I find that I don’t get as happy as I should be when others invite me to their own weddings. I start comparing and feeling bitter about it, especially when I have so many friends and family that all spend more than 30k on a wedding. My parents are traditionalists that believe that the groom should be paying for everything and providing a 30k wedding on top of a down payment of around 60k on an apartment for the bride. My Fiance and I can’t afford any of that, and so I’ve been budgeting every aspect of the wedding early so that I got the best deal out there. It’s hard when we’re paying for our wedding by ourselves and no one offered to help!
So when I see wedding photos, or brides that invite me to their wedding, or 2nd reception, I feel floored and bitter about needing to go and pretend like I’m happy for them. I feel awful about this. Is there anyone that have felt the same way and could give me some pointers?
I know that everyone is supposed to do what they can afford, and I know we’re doing all that we can do ourselves so we should be proud of ourselves, but it’s getting hard to defend myself when everyone keeps asking, “Oh why are you getting only 4 boutennieres, why are there only X amount of bridesmaids, Why are there only 65 people and they are almost all family and none of your friends, why are you not changing halfway through the reception, Why can’t you decorate, Why can’t you afford a wedding cake, why can’t you afford favours?” and it’s starting to hurt.
Post # 2
Traditionally- the brides parents pay for the wedding.
Post # 3
Stop. Comparing. Yourself. To. Other. Brides.
Seriously! It will be the downfall of your relationships with others!
Focus on the main goal: you’re marrying the love of your life. Honestly, as much as I want some shmancy wedding, I could care less in the end because I’m marrying the man I want to be with. Regardless of how much money you have, you can always make your wedding have charm and something unique that symbolizes your relationship – little details here and there. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but putting in creativity will set your wedding apart.
Also, I garuntee that whatever friend you have that is throwing this huge, expensive, glamorous wedding – will regret it immediately after and kicking themselves for spending so much. Or their parents will regret it. At least you can be SMART about budgeting and still throw a nice party!
Post # 4
People spend what they can, saying that people who plan expensive weddings will regret it is just as rude as saying people who plan frugal weddings will regret it.
Everything is reletive, 30K is not a lot to some people, whereas it could be 2 years salary to others.
Just don’t compare… in anything not just your wedding… it will only drive you crazy.
Post # 5
I had to have the world’s cheapest wedding. No reception. Courthouse. And the dinner was a takeaway. There are always people richer. AND there are always people broker. I spent sixty quid on fake flowers and that included two large bouquets, two bridesmaid’s bouquets and all the bouts.
My dress was preowned and already in my closet before I met DH because we couldn’t afford a new one. My jewellery was bargain from a cheap claires accessories type shop and my bridesmaid dress was from New Look. My shoes cost £16.00 and my engagement ring cost £100. Wanna talk cheap, talk to me. Its not all about the expense. Not everyone lives like Kim Kardashian. I’ve never known money so I’ve never had the opportunity to be a big spender. I was raised in a family where eevrything through the door was second hand. Big deal. Being poor never made me less of a person. I don’t feel like I am not as worthy, important or interesting because I had to go on a staycation honeymoon for only two nights instead of a luxury four week carribbean cruise.
I married the love of my life in second hand ebay chic in a stuffy little courthouse and ate fish and chips for dinner from our local takeaway. It was perfect. I regret nothing. My DH is amazing and honestly I LOVE SHOWING OFF about how cheap and clever I was. I rocked with my thriftiness! I rocked.
Post # 6
I get that its hard not to compare yourself. Especially when it sounds like you arent getting to have the dream wedding you really want. 🙁
What I dont get is who is asking you all these rude questions like why cant you afford this or that? No wonder you feel like your wedding will be inadequate whith people like that around…
Post # 7
the intention of a wedding is you are standing with the love of your life proclaiming to love each other for life. you two were made to be joined together by God. So try to do yourself a favor and stop fretting. I was at the place you were in at the start of my engagement. my Fiance and i are paying for everything. so i wont be having a 30K wedding either. and i will not have the bells and whistles that my 2 best friends had. what i will have is a moment in time when all else stops and i will stand before God and family and friends to say “I do” to the man created only for me. Work to change your heart. Be happy for your friends getting married and that they had the wedding they wanted. You focus on what you want, not what you want to display or impress others with at your wedding. Impress them with the love you and your fiancee have for each other. Its gonna be okay. You are okay.
Post # 8
The way you mention about downpayment and the groom to pay for everything, I assumed you are an Asian Bride?
I know how you feel and understand where you are coming from. I don’t know does that make you feel better, ironically, (no offense to any bees here) women who I know in real life who has a luxury wedding or a flashy diamond ring. Those marriage doesn’t last long or turn nasty. Those who I know has an intimate/smaller wedding such as my own brother or a few close friends of mine, their marriage are going strong and been married over 10+ years…
True my brother couldn’t provided the best wedding to my SIL, they can’t even afford photographer on their wedding day. All photos was taken by her god brotehr back then. There was no fancy decoration and she did her own make up. Hair was done by her close friend. True, her engagement ring was not the best out there, especially compare to her close friends. My brother was just starting out back then etc… but guess what? they just finished their 10th wedding anniversary with two cute girls. They now very accomplished, have their own house and an investment apartment. My brother just bought her a 1 carat diamond ring last year and bought her a beautiful diamond pendant this year (both gift to celebrate for their 10th year anniversary)
I’m not being materialistic here.. i’m just tryint to tell you a wedding means nothing here. My SIL (she is like a big sister to me and we talk about everything) told me once that her girlfriends back then always brag about how their husband bought them fancy diamonds, always brag about how much the couples make a year..while she and my brother was just starting out etc…..and now these women come back and told her they really envy how happy my brother and she are. They mostly cheated on each other or divorced or seperate…
so who cares about the wedding details? years after, nobody remember. People will only remember how happy you two are at the end.
Post # 9
I dont agree with you generalizing about spending a lot to spending a little. I know you said “no offence” but … offence taken.
Why can you speak poorly of someone who has a lot, but not someone who has very little.
Post # 10
Just out of curiosity, in what tradition do you come from that your parent’s expect the groom to pay for all that?
Post # 11
As other bees have said, it’s really not good to compare yourself with others..but I know it’s difficult to stop yourself from doing it. Honestly, (and this is not just me talking BS to make you feel better), the BEST wedding I have been to was the daughter of my Mom’s friend who only had 4 weeks to plan and with around a$4000 budget. It was a courthouse wedding. There were no bridesmaids or groomsmen. They invited about 40 people to a restaurant for a private dinner with cake cutting afterwards. It was so beautiful, intimate and simple.
Post # 12
The only reason people know about your details and what you can can’t afford is because you’re griping to them- so stop! Stop framing your wedding in a negative light in your own mind and to others. There’s nothing wrong with having the wedding you can afford at all. And a big bridal party, 2nd dress, none of that matters. So when people ask you… Put your head up and say “we’re skipping that because it doesn’t matter to us”.
And don’t be bitter. Their weddings are not at the expense of yours. Youd take a free wedding if you could right? So don’t be salty. Lucky them. Life is just not fair- some people are in the “lucky sperm club” and some aren’t but that’s not what determines your worth as a human. Be proud of yourself and your wedding, and enjoy others good fortune too.
Post # 13
If you want some pro’s to the inexpensive wedding it can be less stress and more casual. We were able to spend less on lots of things and it takes a lot of pressure off. My husband and groomsmen wore a suit, no one rented tuxes. My bridesmaids did their own make up and wore sandals. They picked a navy dress, I gave the color.
I did my flowers and they were mismatched wildflowers. It took less time to get ready. Since I had fewer guests I could enjoy the wedding and spend more time with friends. Once some things are fancy and expensive it feels like the rest has to match.
It’s too bad your friends are asking why you aren’t doing certain things. When I have told people about my wedding (especially those who are already married) they say the small, low key wedding sounds nice.
Post # 14
I get that ur trying to make OP feel better but it never does anyone good to generalize. Maybe that is your personal experience that bigger ring/wedding equals less happiness but I have to fully disagree with you.
What causes the real issues are when people put the wedding before their marriage. OP it’s super easy to get sucked into feeling resentful but you need to let that go. You and your fi are making your life choices just like everyone else. You chose your career paths which allows you to afford certain things, you are choosing when to get married etc. age, time frame bla bla. I mean you could always wait a few years to save up and have a more lavish wedding. But I’m assuming being married is a higher priority to u, so again you are making your choice to do that. Other people made their own. Some wait until they are older and more established etc. Yes would it be nice to have the wedding of your dreams? Of course but we all want things we can’t have, whatever they may be. Would it be nice to have parents who help you pay? Of course but that can also lead to other issues like having them want to dictate things that you now don’t have to deal with. There are pluses and minuses to every situation. And your choices are no ones business but yours. Stop telling ppl the details, invite who you want and they Will enjoy the day and be happy for you or complain. Then you easily know who you no longer need to prioritize in your life. Good luck! Enjoy that you get to have this day with you best friend and love of your life, some girls would kill for that alone!
Post # 15
I feel ya OP. I had a friend get married about a month before me and her parents spent at least 100k on her wedding – she didn’t pay a dime. Me? I was a big time budget bride.
You know what helped me when I started to compare myself to her and feel bad? Reminding myself of two things: 1) I wouldn’t choose to spend that much money on my wedding if I HAD the money to spend, and 2) the wedding she was throwing wasn’t my personality. Her wedding was very formal – I’m more of a netflix on the couch kind of girl, so my wedding was all about comfort and fun. She had these tall beautiful centerpieces with roses and pearls and fake diamonds – they were gorgeous, but not my style. I’m more outdoorsy and decided to forego flowers for some plants I grew myself. They were different, but just as beautiful. She had this amazing live band at the reception and string quartet for her ceremony. It was nice music, but it was SO special when I asked my relatives to play music for us. It really made my wedding feel that much more personal.
Your wedding won’t be worse than anyone else’s, it may just be different. And if you can make those differences reflect your personality and who you and your fiance are as a couple, then there will be nothing to feel bad about. 🙂
Hang in there OP – remember, this is your day. That means that you have the wedding that you want and can afford – not the wedding that everyone else thinks you should have, or the wedding that your friend had last year, or the wedding that you see on reality tv shows. YOUR wedding will be perfect for YOU and your future husband. 🙂
PS – you said “My parents are traditionalists that believe that the groom should be paying for everything and providing a 30k wedding on top of a down payment of around 60k on an apartment for the bride.”
I would be interested in knowing where you’re from, because traditionally the BRIDE’S family pays for the wedding, not the groom. And I’ve never heard of it being traditional for the groom to provide a 60k down payment on an apartment! (Where do you live that you need a 60k downpayment on an APARTMENT? I bought a house for nearly 500k and we didn’t put 60k down as a downpayment…sheesh!)