(Closed) jealousy over his ex

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2750 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think you’re letting your jealousy get the best of you.  Your husband sent an appropriate response.  What else would you have liked him to say to her? He didn’t further the convo, he pretty much shut her down.

Post # 4
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t really have good advice but I’ve been in this situation before and I pretty much told my boyfriend (now FI) to block the girls I was jealous of on FB which included his friend and his ex girlfriend or block me. I don’t know if being bossy was the right way to handle it but I just couldn’t deal with it any other way.

Anyways, I think keeping in contact with exes while you’re married is just weird. I’ve asked my family about this and everyone said that they kept in contact with exes before they were married and now that they’re married their exes don’t exist in their lives.

Post # 5
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@mrsbruff2b: Agreed. Would you rather he have said “ok, let’s stay friends”? 

Post # 6
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@episodic: “and shouldn’t our love be so strong that he could stay in touch with an ex without worrying that it’s not wise?”

 

While I totally understand why you’re worried, I think you’re interpreting this wrong. I don’t think he’s worried that something will happen, I think he recognizes that, as a married man, he shouldn’t be spending time with an ex that he has such a serious history with. It sounds like he wants to respect you and your marriage.

A few years ago, I strongly considered reconnecting (in a platonic way) with an ex of mine. I truly did miss his friendship–not the rellationship–but he was a good person. I spent a lot of time thinking about it, and while I trusted myself 100% to not ever betray my SO, I also realized that it wasn’t respectful of me to start up a friendship with this person. That’s what I think he means by “not wise.” You have a keeper, I think 🙂 

Post # 7
Member
959 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I agree with everything mrsbruff2b said. Your husband made the most appropriate decision on the matter and pretty much ended it there. Don’t allow jealousy overcome you because it isn’t worth it. It might just create problems when your husband has done his best to put an end to this matter. Rather than question whether his love for you is strong enough to wipe away all other exs’ or to maintain contact with them….realize that it is strong enough because he doesn’t need them in his life because he has you. Remembered, he picked you to be his wife and not her or any other ex.

I had a somewhat similar situation with my Fiance with an ex of his who had added him on FB. He declined her request because it’s someone who isnt important for him to have in his life and should remain where she is, in the past. Although I didn’t care whether he accepted her request, he did this out of respect for me, our relationship, and he was not sure if this person’s intentions to want to reconnect with him after ending their relationship. I respected his decision and his action alone affirms his love and loyalty to me although I never had any doubts about it.

Post # 9
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@MsMonkey: I completely agree with this: “I don’t think he’s worried that something will happen, I think he recognizes that, as a married man, he shouldn’t be spending time with an ex that he has such a serious history with. It sounds like he wants to respect you and your marriage.”

I think his shutting her down was a gesture of respect and commitment to you, not an indication that he still has feelings for her and is worried about them.

Post # 10
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think everything that happend is pretty normal. You weren’t meant to see all that…and so it just makes you feel crummy..but truth is he probably found comfort in talking to someone he’s familiar with and it might have brought up some old feelings but he probably knew nothing would materialize from it. People do weird stuff when they go through beakups.

But I do know that ex’s can be a weird thing. My Fiance was married before and hasn’t spoken to his ex since they divorced almost 10 years ago, but every now and then I come across her comments on FB because some of his nephews are our mutual friends and I litterally can’t even look at her comments or pictures without feeling sick to my stomach at the idea he was ever that close to someone else….so I would feel pretty insecure if I found out they had any sort of conversation during a hard time. At the same time I’d try to understand that once they shared something and now it’s over and he chose and married me.

Post # 11
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I liked that he sent back a good response stating that it’s not a good idea to be friends. If it continues to bother you, maybe you can ask him to block her. I don’t understand women like this that consistently pop up in married men’s lives. I’ve been in this situation with my ex, and I let the jealousy get the best of me until I was finally so paranoid about things like FB and email that it started the end of our relationship! It’s so hard not to get jealous and/or worried.

Post # 12
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

It’s a great thing that he shut her down. I dont believe its EVER a good idea to hold on to the past relationships when in a new relationship and especially marriage.

I would have been hurt and feeling just like you if I saw a message like that, but he is with you now and he told her he is moving on. Be happy.

My fiance’s ex’s have popped up while we have been together and he has always shut them down.

Also, it speaks volumes when a guy shuts a woman down on his own.. rather than doing it after being nagged. If he only did it because you nagged, then i would be worried. A great and loyal partner will ALWAYS shut down advances from anyone on his own, without having to be told.

Until he gives you a reason to worry, do not dwell.

Post # 13
Member
11391 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

You should never be jealous over an Ex. The Ex is an Ex for a reason. You are his wife for many, many more reasons! 🙂

Post # 14
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Just wanted to throw in my two cents, one, i had the same feeling when my ex told me he was cutting off all connection  with his ex. thay were best buddies when i met him, in fact before we dated, he and i went to her house for thanksgiving and they were VERY affectionate, touchy feely affectionete. I felt the same , WHY do you have to make sure you are never alone?? hmm? ( He was very adimant that they never hang out one on one) and whats more i never said a thing to him about it. I really liked her and it seemed clear to even when me and Fiance were just friends that they were close friends and not much else. BUT it really bothered me he had to state he shouldnt keep their buddy status going. I know this girl, go to her house with parties still, go to her work ( she bartends ) all the time and just didnt care. I guess I just wanted to say i feel you on the being bothered part:p

Post # 16
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Sweet.Sugar.Rose: Well said!

I can understand why you’d be jealous but I agree with everyone else that you’re husband handled it perfectly!  She’s the one who contacted him to begin with.  Also, whatever happened with her in the past, is the past and he chose the person he really loves, which is you. Plus technically you guys were broken up so he didn’t cheat.

I think you have a loving husband. Don’t punish him too much 🙂 Girls I’ve noticed are very pushy and it sounds like she always pursued him constantly.

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