(Closed) Jeans, really?! You've got to be kidding me!

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I’d be pissed off about how that conversation went, actually. 

I would have replied “and I’m 97% sure that you’re a smart ass who has no idea what he’s talking about, and no idea what our guests will or will not be wearing.”

As for what he’s wearing, yeah it’s not ideal, but if his jeans are dark he probably won’t even look that out of place in photos. He is wearing a button down shirt, and nobody is going to be looking at him in the photos anyway, really.  

Post # 18
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

Ok the guy hasn’t got a clue…

OR he does and has decided he wishes to INTENTIONALLY ANNOY YOU AS A COUPLE

Jealous perhaps that you two are getting married, happy (spending money on a Wedding)… whatever

The issue(s) are clearly his.

And so therefore he’d be making a very obvious CHOICE to mess with Your Plans… and that is indeed RUDE & disrespectful

More so if your Fiance (his Brother) has spoken to him about the issue and what would be “the right thing to do” in this situation.

So at this point… he’s been told.  Whatever he does now is very much a CONSCIOUS CHOICE

What you do next is YOUR CHOICE…

You could do precisely what he’s put out there (what a moochy / passive agressive way to manage to get a pair of dress pants, BTW):

“Feel free to go shopping for me.  I wouldn’t want to embarrass you”

In truth it wouldn’t be the first time that a Couple has had to ante up for clothing for someone coming to a Wedding

As I see it you can do THAT… OR

You limit the photos he is in.  Nothing wrong with that, afterall YOU ARE PAYING THE FREIGHT on those.

So ONE Family Photo with him… and then you are done (with as few or as many people in it as you decide)**

Just organize the rest of your Family Photos to feature others, without him.

To be totally honest, most of your other Family Members will NEVER notice that you are having Photos taken without him

(ie Couple & Bride’s Parents – Couple & Groom’s Parents – Couple with Both Parents etc)

Hope this helps,

** IF you go this route, you’ll want to give some thought to WHICH Photo you’ll do… and WHO ELSE will be in it.  Will it be ALL Your Guests at the Wedding ?  Just the Groom’s Immediate Family… Just the Groom & his Brother… or something else ?

 

Post # 19
Member
9163 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@sofialovesmikey:  so what you are saying is you care more about what your Future Brother-In-Law wears than that he is there? Some grooms and brides would dearly love to have their brothers, sisters, mother, father or other loved one who has passed there on their wedding regardless of if they were in a suit or a garbage bag.

Post # 20
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

I know it’s frustrating. My SO’s family are real country folk and they will only ever wear formal to a wedding. I remember him saying that if we had an engagement party or a formal birthday they would still be in jeans. It’s only ever ‘wedding formal’ or casual. No in between. It does make you feel crap when you’ve dressed to the nines – it’s like they don’t care. It really is. 

Post # 21
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Your FH seems very kind and diplomatic. (Sounds like a keeper, congratulations!) His brother sounds like an idiot.

YOU need to stop stressing over this. It’s just not that big a deal. That moronic brother should be more sensitive to the bridal couple’s wishes, but in the end, paying a lot of money for a wedding doesn’t give you the right to dictate what any guest will wear.

The focus of a wedding is a celebration of a couple’s love and commitment to each other. There’s no need to act like the fashion police and make guests feel uncomfortable about their choice of clothing.

If it’s the photos you are mostly concerned about, just notify the photographer to place him in the back where his jeans can’t be seen. Truly, this is not worth even one more minute of stress on your part.

 

Post # 22
Member
7603 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@Hyperventilate:+1

I don’t understand why people get so caught up in what other people are wearing.

Post # 23
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sofialovesmikey:  Ugh! I got mad reading this conversation!! I would take him up on the “you can go shopping for me if you want” offer. Go to Macy’s and purchase a suit during one of their sales – I am SURE you can find something for less than $100.

$50 is not even expensive for jeans! And even if he bought jeans for $500, that doesn’t make them acceptable to wear to a wedding!!!

Post # 24
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Excalibur

As frustrating as it is,  you’re not going to change his mind.  I’d be lucky if fiances  friends and family showed up in jeans! I went to his friends wedding and a man was wearing bathing suit trunks and a women wearing an itty bitty cami  with 3/4-of her large implants  hanging out! I  don’t get people but they are the ones that look dumb.

Post # 25
Member
7996 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Just like waitingalongtime , we also have family members who regularly wear Harley Davidson shirts to weddings, funerals, you name it.  Not much you can do.

Post # 26
Member
5187 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@sofialovesmikey:  Your wedding is for you and your Fiance. Your Future Brother-In-Law and his attire have nothing to do with it. If that’s what you think will make or break your day you’re in for a long line of disappointments. I’m not trying to be a jerk, just speaking realistically. Let it go.

Post # 27
Member
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah, your Future Brother-In-Law sounds like a douche. Unfortunatley, at this point I think you can either buy him clothes or just deal with it. You can’t force him to wear something more reasonably formal. You can choose how you react to it. I wouldn’t let it upset you because it’s just not worth it. Don’t give him the power to get you that upset. At the end of the day, it’s just a pair of pants. It won’t even be a blip on your radar on wedding day with everything else going on. And he won’t be in the majority of the photos. It’s super annoying, and he is being rude, but it’s not worth causing a huge ruckus.

Post # 28
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I was once at a wedding where someone (who was not at the church) showed up to the very chic reception in baggy jeans, a 3X teeshirt and sneakers and he kept cutting in the buffet lines. No one knew who he was or what he was doing and no one wanted to bother the bride about it!

Post # 29
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

I’m a little confused.  He is only a guest, not a member of the bridal party, even though he is gonna be your brother-in-law?  If that is so, this speaks volumes.

Anyhow, I would come out with “I want to save YOU, as well as the rest of us, the awkard event we would have all night with you wearing jeans.  You must understand the event is very formal, as has been made clear.  You have had plenty of time to find something to appropriate to wear.  I sincerely do not want this in my photos for the rest of my life.  If you somehow cannot find something appropriate, then pls don’t put yourself out in order to attend.”

 

He sounds passive/aggressive in my opinion. 

Stand firm, Bride and Groom.

Post # 30
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

If he doesn’t care and you’ve made the formalness of the wedding clear to him, then it’s time to just let it go.  He’s the one who will be wearing jeans to a formal party; if he’s okay with it, then there isn’t anyhting you can do (other than hold your wedding at a venue, like a private members only club, that has a dress code and enforces it for you.)  It sounds like he will be dressing cowboy formal (dark jeans and a button up) which I would assume is common in TX.

Post # 31
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@sofialovesmikey:  honestly- this is one of those situations you just can’t bother to stress yourself with.  you cannot control what other people do.

your fiance has already taken the steps to strongly encourage Brother-In-Law to wear “appropriate” attire- there’s not much more you can just except for that.

 

Your only other option to ask him to not attend- if it’s truly that big of a deal for you.

If he’s in the back row of photos, you don’t see most of him.  And he won’t be in every single photo.

 

Maybe instead of “suggesting” or hinting, your Fiance should just say “I am asking you, Brother-In-Law, to wear a suit.  For me, at my wedding.”  Unless you guys are skipping over a bridal party all together, it’s clean Brother-In-Law isnt’ part of it- so maybe they aren’t that close and Brother-In-Law doesn’t feel it’s all too important to wear a suit.

 

Don’t let it stress you though- you can’t control some things 🙂

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