(Closed) Jeff Bridges "The Dude" given marriage unlitmatum (and he is glad)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Do you have renewed faith in ultimatums?
    YES! : (5 votes)
    11 %
    no. : (35 votes)
    78 %
    Who is "the dude"? : (5 votes)
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  • Post # 17
    Member
    88 posts
    Worker bee

    @Baal:  

    It honestly doesn’t sound like giving him an ultimatum ended things, it sounds like the relationship should have ended before that and just went on for the wrong reasons, and then you got married for the wrong reasons. There is a big difference in someone needing a nudge to get moving and someone who doesn’t want to ever get married, and even told you that. He should have been honest with you and said no to your proposal. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.

    Post # 18
    Member
    5161 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    @KatertotATL:  No one disputes you have the right to leave. No one disputes that communication is important. I for one would never say that a woman should not let her needs and wants be known. But, it is a two way street. At the same time she lets her needs and wants be known, she has to be ready to listen to HIS needs and wants. And they may not be compatible.

    There is a BIG difference to me in talking to one another and realizing together you are not on the same page and opting to leave, and saying to your partner “you have until (whatever date) to propose, or I am walking”. There is a big difference between letting ones needs be known, and saying “my wants trump your wants…so give in to my wants” 

    Also, if a woman wants to get engaged, there is nothing stopping HER from asking. No one ever said anything about a woman sitting around and putting her “wants” on a shelf waiting for the man to “take control”. That is an extreme interpretation of “no, I do not agree with ultimatums” that definitely does not fit for me. 

    I have never given a marriage ultimatum. I have been in a few long term relationships. I never once felt that I was putting my wants on a shelf and letting my partner “control” things. Before my husband, none of them ended up in marriage, not because we did not discuss it, but because it was never quite “right” for us both at the same time. I am glad we did not get married, and clearly we should not have been! With my husband, there was also never an ultimatum. We talked about marriage generally (he brought it up) but I already knew we were life partners and marriage was actually not even on my mind as necessary as all the things I wanted and needed in a relationship and a partner were very much present. We married when it felt right for us both, at the same time. I know *I* would not have appreciated receiving an ultimatum if I was not ready.

     

    Post # 19
    Member
    1447 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @KatertotATL:  This. 

    I told my ex that I wouldn’t wait forever in an LDR that he encouraged.  I ended up breaking up with him later, because I realized he wasn’t treating me the way I wanted to be treated by my life partner.  If I hadn’t stood up for what I wanted in that relationship, I would have wasted quite a bit of time and energy waiting for him on something that he never was interested in having with me.

    I don’t really see ultimatums the way some do here; I look at it as, “This is what I want and need in our relationship that we don’t have.  If you cannot provide that for me, then I am going to take care of myself and continue my search for someone who can.”

    Post # 20
    Member
    9098 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    @housebee:  I disagree on the “Children after a certain age” thing. There is no telling that any child born at any age will be healthy. I am well educated at the “after 30” argument, but it isn’t like your eggs begin to rot the second you turn 30. That being said, sick babies are born to parents of all ages every day. It would be a considerably fuzzy line if (the roles were reversed) someone used an ultimatum on me for that. So fuzzy, I wouldn’t consider it a line anymore.

    Post # 21
    Member
    9098 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I have no problems with a woman saying that marriage is important to her. But I also have no problems with a man saying it is/isn’t important to him, too.

    If you walk up to your SO and you say, “Look. I want to get married some day.” you’ve put him at a crossroads. If he says, “Sounds cool, lets do it when we’re ready.” That’s fine. If he says, “That’s not really in the cards for me.” That’s fine too. You already know his decision, and like you, he isn’t likely to change that decision.

    Now, my disagreement starts here. If it is clear that engagement just isn’t his thing, turning to him and saying, “Well I know you don’t want to/are unwilling to get married, but if you don’t marry me, I’m leaving you.”

    1: I think it is unfair for anyone to think they are important enough to change somebody’s decision about what they will or won’t do with their life. I don’t care if you’re the pope. If someone is against something, you shouldn’t force somebody to do it regardless.

    2: Expecting somebody to change just because you might walk out of their life is emotional blackmail. You can call it an ultimatum, you can call it a choice, you can call it whatever you want, but at the heart of it, it is blackmail.

    If this is the situation, it’s excruciatingly clear that you two are not on the same page. The mature, adult thing to do is to try to work it out. Can you live without marriage? Can he live with marriage? If the answer is still no, break up. It’s as simple as that. I don’t believe in then thousand years that most women on this site who have issued ultimatums would have gotten married if the roles had been reversed. If their SO’s had demanded things progress on another timeline, I’m sure we would have seen a lot more influxes of, “He’s rushing me/not respecting my wishes/pressuring me/controlling me/etc.” and that doesn’t follow all this “Gender Equality” crap I’ve been hearing about.

    I can appreciate a relationship in which two people are adults and open about what they want in a relationship. I will never, ever fault somebody for that, even when the relationship doesn’t mesh or isn’t right for them.

    I will also never, ever fault a woman who said, “I wanted marriage. He didn’t, so I left.” It’s mature, and handled well.

    It’s the “Marry me now or I leave” that really grinds me.

    Marriage should never “be a compromise.” I hear so much about the sanctity of marriage these days (Not necessarily from this site), that forcing it to be a “compromise” destroys that sanctity and obliterates what marriage should be.

    Post # 22
    Member
    8440 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @Hyperventilate:  I’m not saying I agree with it, I’m just saying someone could argue that point, and therefore justify an ultimatum.  I really have no experience with feeling a deadline for children or ultimatums, I’m purely speculating what it would be like from the other perspective.  I really couldn’t imagine being in a marriage where I had to force a proposal, but then again, I don’t know what it’s like to be a “waiting” bee.

    Post # 23
    Member
    88 posts
    Worker bee

    @RayKay:  

     

    I agree it is a two way street. In my own personal situation, when my SO and I had the talk I said I would be fine with another year the way things are (dating) but after that if there is still no engagement I really needed to evaluate things, I never said I would leave him and forget what he wanted, but I was also just not going to hang around just for the sake of waiting. He has admitted to me that he doesn’t know what he’s waiting on and that he needs the nudge, he is proscrastinator by nature and doesn’t like making big decisions. He is content not to rock the boat and just let things be. If a man has bonafide reasons for wanting to postpone marriage then of course his partner should listen to him, but if he’s just waiting because that’s the easier thing for him to do or if he is afraid of commitment, it is very unfair to a woman to keep waiting when she isn’t happy with that and she should know where she stands sooner than later.

    I’ve had several long term relationships, for years even, and this is actually the only time I have been in this situation. In the past, things just ended and we both knew it wasn’t “it” and moved on. This time it feels different, I want to marry this man, he has said he wants to marry me, but for me, waiting years and years for that to happen isn’t something I’m personally willing to do and I told him that. I would also like the option of having children, unfortunately that is a pressure and ultimatum that biology has put on women whether guys like it or not. In your mid thirties, there is not much of a window there.

    Also, I know women can and do propose, but if the issue in the relationship is the man not being ready or hesitant, I don’t really see how that would solve anything. I know my SO would not like that and neither would I although I know it works for some.

    I know this issue has been discussed at length on the board and there’s never a general consensus. Obviously different things work for different people 🙂

     

     

    Post # 24
    Member
    556 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Jeff Bridges and his wife have been happily married for 35 years. Food for thought.

    Post # 25
    Member
    88 posts
    Worker bee

    @Hyperventilate:  

    I would never tell someone marry me now or I leave, I agree with that. I don’t think too many healthy relationships would take that course.

    “I will also never, ever fault a woman who said, “I wanted marriage. He didn’t, so I left.” It’s mature, and handled well.”

    If you have this conversation with your partner and tell him you want marriage but do not want to wait beyond x date (in advance, not in the immediate future) and they still don’t want marriage after that point or they can’t make that commitment, and you do leave, I don’t see why this shouldn’t be respected the same way. I think most women would leave if a man said he openly said he didn’t want to get married (if the woman did), it’s when the man says he does want to get married someday or he isn’t sure, that I think most women talk about timelines and would give their SOs a certain amount of time to make a decision. From most of what I read on this board, the guys seem willing to go along with what was discussed and have a while to figure it out for *themselves*, it doesn’t come as a blind sided surprise to them when that time rolls around.

     

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