"Jen" the Work Wife Update — one year later (brief update)

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 318
4824 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Why don’t both you and your husband finally go to marriage counseling? It’s badly needed. Youre crying over the end of your emotional affair that you knew all along was bound to happen while micromanaging your husbands interaction with jen. Sick situation all around. You’re just continuing to spin a web of fantasy and illusion. Your marriage needs professional help.  

Post # 319
12114 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

“His other colleagues, as I’ve mentioned in the past (mostly women) are really awesome, so I didn’t want him to not get to spend time with them just because Jen was there, too.”

You’re still stuck here? Really? He’s violated your trust repeatedly and is or was likely romantically involved and definitely emotionally. If he is spending time with her it should be at work or not at all. Period. 

If that means he has to miss one or two “group” outings, if that is really what they were at all, then too bad. 

Will you answer a direct question? Why won’t you see a marriage counselor, before it’s too late, if it’s not already? What do you have to lose? 

Post # 320
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

wifeconflicted :  Bee your posts are SO PAINFUL TO READ. Please for the love of god, get yourself some help. You don’t have to live like this. You are responsible for your actions, but I truly believe if you weren’t in such a rotten marriage with a husband who clearly checked out long ago, you would have never ventured down this road with gym buddy. You are your own worst enemy at this point. 

Acknowledging you fucked up with gym buddy is a big step. Now you need to take the next big step of leaving your husband, or at least going to counseling with him. As pp said, what do you have to lose????

Post # 321
762 posts
Busy bee

Literally every single one of us knew this was going to happen since you refused to use the pronoun of your fun new friend in your first post on this thread. Everyone said to stop. 

I’d really consider taking the advice of the hive next time. 

Post # 322
2693 posts
Sugar bee

What really blows me away is how dense you are about gym buddy & your relationship with your husband.

Post # 323
1631 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve been in emotional affairs that have gone somewhat like you’ve described, although I’m going to clarify real quick that I’ve never been married and we’re talking about like 22-year olds in like 2 month relationships, lol.  In my general experience the tearful goodbye is often followed up by a very passionate physical reunion. SO. Do not. under any circumstances. meet up again in person. ever. 



Post # 324
1030 posts
Bumble bee

wifeconflicted :  I think you need to realize that you don’t miss HIM as much as you miss what he was providing you that your husband ISN’T.  Which is why we all knew an emotional affair was coming, and why we are all zero percent surprised. This is also why you are crying. You have lost your sources of positive feedback, affection, emotional connection and the feeling of someone else making you feel desired.

Until you address the issues with your husband, you will continue to feel pain and likely run back to this guy or find someone to replace him until it gets to a point with the new “gym friend” that feels uncomfortable to you and you call that one off, too.

You are using other humans as bandaids instead of addressing the real wounds, and in the process injuring others. Notice, you never said anything about feeling sad or guilty about gym friend’s wife until directly asked and you didn’t cut things off out of concern for her: you cut him off because you decided you didn’t want to end your own marriage, not destroy someone else’s.

You also admitted to saying so many things to this gym buddy of yours about your feelings for him, your attraction to him, and your bond with him that I refuse to believe that you were cutting it off “for real” in your head.  I think you wanted him to confirm his feelings for you and act recklessly and romantically verbally toward you to help feed your wounded pride and verify that you weren’t alone in your crush and growing obsession with him.  Did you want to destroy your marriage over it? Seems like no. I think whatever talking and texting you were getting from him was no longer enough and you wanted him to spill his feelings all over the place and hint at things you knew you would never say or do to help feed this fantasy of yours because what you had built in your head to help you out was no longer enough.

Post # 325
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Ok, so just as I predicted 22 pages ago. 

Here’s another prediction: you are through step 1 (confess mutual feelings but agree nothing will ever happen) and step 2 (break off friendship because feelings are too strong)…. if you ever get together with him again, get ready for step 3 (cross the line into passionate physical affair). 

So, don’t ever get together with him. Just don’t. 

Google limerance. You’re in chemical withdrawal right now. the longer you go without seeing / talking to him, the easier it’ll get. If you do those things, then you start the process all over again. 

As for your marriage….  Everyone else has already covered it. 

Post # 326
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018


Post # 327
12114 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

No response to the question about marriage counseling? 

I’ve already asked about finances but I also know people who stayed together while the children were still preschool age and neither one could stomach the idea of putting such a young child or themselves through 50:50 joint custody. 

Do you think that is something that is part of the equation for your husband? For you?  

Post # 329
6663 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh, Bee, this was obvious in your posts from two months ago. You don’t work with this guy, there is absolutely no reason for you to ever see him again except to pursue this relationship. Repeat that. The only reason to ever contact him is to rekindle your relationship. Any time you have the urge to reach out to him remind yourself that it’s only going to distance you from your family and him from his. 

Sometimes you have to try a few counselors before you find the right one, it’s a bit like dating. In the beginning you have to push past your discomfort. Think of it like childbirth–some of it sucks but there is a prize at the end. In this case that prize is your happiness and well-being, whether that means remaining in your marriage or not. 

Did your husband ever find out about your “Jen”? If not, how do you think he’d feel? If you think he’d be upset there is still hope for your marriage. If you think he wouldn’t care…

Post # 330
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m sorry, but if you can cut off all contact with “gym buddy,” your husband can’t do the same with Jen because…??

I understand they work together. Yes, inevitably there will be contact AT WORK. That’s it. That’s the end of the story. Period. Done. Frankly, I’d have walked a long ass time ago or told my Darling Husband to start looking for work elsewhere if that was even feasibly possible. That would be the only way that I believe my marriage would survive after the repeated extreme emotional and highly likely physical infidelity with Jen.

I would hope your Darling Husband would try counseling, but if not, I’d be handing his ass divorce paperwork real fast.

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