Post # 316
RobbieAndJuliahaha : I appreciate the thoughtful and productive response you provided, as well as a couple others. Like I said in the opening of my post, I am well aware that I was in the wrong (in more than one way) and am paying for it big time, and I know I deserve all the “I told you so” comments in the world right now.
I don’t hold it against you that you questioned my motives behind suggesting the meeting, but I assure you, my motives were to end things but wanting to do so in person so he could have closure and not wonder. We actually confessed to one another a few weeks ago that there was mutual attraction and, in an alternate timeline, we’d probably pursue one another. So, I knew how he felt, and he knows what I’ve felt, too. We both wouldn’t leave our spouses/families for the other, and that was made very clear at the time of the confession, nor would I ever ask that of him or he of me. The feelings are something that I thought I could suppress while still seeing him and talking to him regularly, but it was just building up. I started behaviors like wanting to be glued to my phone to see if he wrote a message, and that’s when I had the wake-up call that I shouldn’t be doing that: I woke up in the middle of the night, and the first thing I did was see if he wrote.
Believe it or not, but I do feel terrible about what I was asking him to do behind his wife’s back, especially after my own experiences and hubby’s workwife. I kept rationalizing and making it okay (in my head) to see him and communicate with him since nothing was happening other than talking and exercising. There was some obvious flirting, and a couple times sexual topics came up, but the bigger red flag for me were the emotions that were happening and building, which I thought were harmless, but I was really starting to fall for him.
I know others have mentioned emotional affair involvement. If you’ve been in one in the past and are willing to admit to it, how long did it take for you to get over someone? What coping strategies did you use to move on? Do you ever think about that person still? How did yours end?
Post # 317
weddingmaven : I think that gym buddy kind of knew what was coming. He was a mix of flattered and hurt by things. Flattered because I was telling him what he already knew….that I had developed feelings for him, was thinking about him a lot, and I even mentioned that I found him incredibly sexy. I just told him I had been thinking about all that lately and that it was weighing on my conscience. He said that he wished it didn’t have to be complete cutting off contact, but I told him that as long as we were talking or seeing one another, I’d probably not be able to shift my focus to where it should be. He was really understanding and said that he’d respect this choice. We said our goodbye with a long hug and tears from both of us, but I think we both know that it’s what needs to be done. I’ve cried some since and have been doing a mix of eating my pain in the form of sweets and doing super hard workouts. I know things will fall into place with time, but since my feelings are so raw still (this happened 11 days ago), it’s been hard. I still think of him a lot and wonder how he’s doing and what he’s up to and such.
As for my husband, he knows I don’t want him doing anything with Jen solo just the two of them unless it’s for a work purpose during work hours. Since it’s summer for them, he has had minimal contact. I have to trust him that they’re not Facebook chatting while I’m at work. There have been a few occasions this summer where he was with her, but it was among a group of their colleagues for a social event. His other colleagues, as I’ve mentioned in the past (mostly women) are really awesome, so I didn’t want him to not get to spend time with them just because Jen was there, too. He’s only gone out twice with the group of them. Other events that involved Jen (and other colleagues) I was invited and attended, too. Jen was there solo or carpooled. At the events I was at with him, he pretty much kept his distance from her with the exception of the standard nicety exchanges. I feel hopeful for the direction things are heading now.
Post # 318
Why don’t both you and your husband finally go to marriage counseling? It’s badly needed. Youre crying over the end of your emotional affair that you knew all along was bound to happen while micromanaging your husbands interaction with jen. Sick situation all around. You’re just continuing to spin a web of fantasy and illusion. Your marriage needs professional help.
Post # 319
“His other colleagues, as I’ve mentioned in the past (mostly women) are really awesome, so I didn’t want him to not get to spend time with them just because Jen was there, too.”
You’re still stuck here? Really? He’s violated your trust repeatedly and is or was likely romantically involved and definitely emotionally. If he is spending time with her it should be at work or not at all. Period.
If that means he has to miss one or two “group” outings, if that is really what they were at all, then too bad.
Will you answer a direct question? Why won’t you see a marriage counselor, before it’s too late, if it’s not already? What do you have to lose?
Post # 320
wifeconflicted : Bee your posts are SO PAINFUL TO READ. Please for the love of god, get yourself some help. You don’t have to live like this. You are responsible for your actions, but I truly believe if you weren’t in such a rotten marriage with a husband who clearly checked out long ago, you would have never ventured down this road with gym buddy. You are your own worst enemy at this point.
Acknowledging you fucked up with gym buddy is a big step. Now you need to take the next big step of leaving your husband, or at least going to counseling with him. As pp said, what do you have to lose????
Post # 321
Literally every single one of us knew this was going to happen since you refused to use the pronoun of your fun new friend in your first post on this thread. Everyone said to stop.
I’d really consider taking the advice of the hive next time.
Post # 322
What really blows me away is how dense you are about gym buddy & your relationship with your husband.
Post # 323
I’ve been in emotional affairs that have gone somewhat like you’ve described, although I’m going to clarify real quick that I’ve never been married and we’re talking about like 22-year olds in like 2 month relationships, lol. In my general experience the tearful goodbye is often followed up by a very passionate physical reunion. SO. Do not. under any circumstances. meet up again in person. ever.
Post # 324
wifeconflicted : I think you need to realize that you don’t miss HIM as much as you miss what he was providing you that your husband ISN’T. Which is why we all knew an emotional affair was coming, and why we are all zero percent surprised. This is also why you are crying. You have lost your sources of positive feedback, affection, emotional connection and the feeling of someone else making you feel desired.
Until you address the issues with your husband, you will continue to feel pain and likely run back to this guy or find someone to replace him until it gets to a point with the new “gym friend” that feels uncomfortable to you and you call that one off, too.
You are using other humans as bandaids instead of addressing the real wounds, and in the process injuring others. Notice, you never said anything about feeling sad or guilty about gym friend’s wife until directly asked and you didn’t cut things off out of concern for her: you cut him off because you decided you didn’t want to end your own marriage, not destroy someone else’s.
You also admitted to saying so many things to this gym buddy of yours about your feelings for him, your attraction to him, and your bond with him that I refuse to believe that you were cutting it off “for real” in your head. I think you wanted him to confirm his feelings for you and act recklessly and romantically verbally toward you to help feed your wounded pride and verify that you weren’t alone in your crush and growing obsession with him. Did you want to destroy your marriage over it? Seems like no. I think whatever talking and texting you were getting from him was no longer enough and you wanted him to spill his feelings all over the place and hint at things you knew you would never say or do to help feed this fantasy of yours because what you had built in your head to help you out was no longer enough.
Post # 325
Ok, so just as I predicted 22 pages ago.
Here’s another prediction: you are through step 1 (confess mutual feelings but agree nothing will ever happen) and step 2 (break off friendship because feelings are too strong)…. if you ever get together with him again, get ready for step 3 (cross the line into passionate physical affair).
So, don’t ever get together with him. Just don’t.
Google limerance. You’re in chemical withdrawal right now. the longer you go without seeing / talking to him, the easier it’ll get. If you do those things, then you start the process all over again.
As for your marriage…. Everyone else has already covered it.
Post # 327
No response to the question about marriage counseling?
I’ve already asked about finances but I also know people who stayed together while the children were still preschool age and neither one could stomach the idea of putting such a young child or themselves through 50:50 joint custody.
Do you think that is something that is part of the equation for your husband? For you?
Post # 328
notmeeither and others :
Cripes, I had a full response written out and lost it when it wouldn’t let me “add a comment.” I’m going to just do the abridged version.
Notmeeeither: I had never thought of it from that view — the thought of missing what he provided vs. missing him. I think I miss both, honestly. I miss him, but it could be in large part be because of what he symbolized in my life. I’ll have to think about that.
I did feel badly about what I had done to his wife since I was becoming her Jen, even if she wasn’t fully aware of my relationship with her husband. But what brought me to decide ending things was not her. It was thinking about what I was doing to my own family and feeling the need to put them first in my life again.
I’d be open to couples’ counseling. I honestly can’t recall if I wrote this in my original post a year ago, but I had proposed couples’ counseling, and it was after that was proposed that my husband wanted me to try individual therapy first. I did try it, but I just never fully felt comfortable spilling everything. I’d talk, but it felt really awkward. In general, I’m not great about opening up to strangers, even when it’s their job to hear peoples’ problems. But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to ask if he’d be willing to do it.
I don’t think the thought of joint custody is falling into the equation for me. I have a friend who is doing that with her ex-husband, and her life and his life are significantly better with their new partners. But they co-parent like champs. He likes her new husband, and she likes his fiance, and most importantly, their child sees these adults in her life who treat one another with respect. They just threw a joint birthday party for her and thanked each other as well as the others’ partners for being such wonderful parents to their girl. It makes life after divorce, even with a kid, seem promising. I got off topic a little with that, but you mentioning the joint custody made me think of that.
Post # 329
Oh, Bee, this was obvious in your posts from two months ago. You don’t work with this guy, there is absolutely no reason for you to ever see him again except to pursue this relationship. Repeat that. The only reason to ever contact him is to rekindle your relationship. Any time you have the urge to reach out to him remind yourself that it’s only going to distance you from your family and him from his.
Sometimes you have to try a few counselors before you find the right one, it’s a bit like dating. In the beginning you have to push past your discomfort. Think of it like childbirth–some of it sucks but there is a prize at the end. In this case that prize is your happiness and well-being, whether that means remaining in your marriage or not.
Did your husband ever find out about your “Jen”? If not, how do you think he’d feel? If you think he’d be upset there is still hope for your marriage. If you think he wouldn’t care…
Post # 330
I’m sorry, but if you can cut off all contact with “gym buddy,” your husband can’t do the same with Jen because…??
I understand they work together. Yes, inevitably there will be contact AT WORK. That’s it. That’s the end of the story. Period. Done. Frankly, I’d have walked a long ass time ago or told my Darling Husband to start looking for work elsewhere if that was even feasibly possible. That would be the only way that I believe my marriage would survive after the repeated extreme emotional and highly likely physical infidelity with Jen.
I would hope your Darling Husband would try counseling, but if not, I’d be handing his ass divorce paperwork real fast.