(Closed) Jewish wedding- family conflict?

posted 7 years ago in Jewish
Post # 3
Bee
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden

It is definitely possible to have the wedding at a synagogue and then the reception somewhere else afterwards.  You can always order kosher meals just for that part of the family, most caterers have access to that option nowadays.  Mr. HC and I are Conservative, and we had a kosher wedding performed by a Conservative Rabbi with all the Jewish tradtions entirely not a synagogue – in most sects of Judaism, it is not the location that determines a valid Jewish wedding.

Post # 4
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

i just want to point out that unless you formally convert, most rabbis will not marry you, ESPECIALLY conservative/orthodox ones.  i doubt you’d be able to get married in a synagogue.  i point this out to be helpful, not to ridicule, as i, like you, have a catholic mother, but am a practicing jew.  my apologies if you already know this!

Post # 6
Bee
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden

@efgrand: A reform rabbi will likely perform the ceremony for you, but that probably won’t be observant enough for the orthodox family regardless, so being in a synagogue wouldn’t make a difference necessarily

Post # 7
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@efgrand: There are still PLENTY of rabbis that will marry you, although they may not be conservative. If you’re in the NYC metro area, I can definitely recommend our rabbi–he was amazing and very flexible. We had a very VERY reform Jewish wedding at our reception location (took place on a Friday night, my Darling Husband didn’t wear a yarmulke, etc), and I still consider it Jewish. 

Honestly, I would be furious if a family member tried to emotionally blackmail me or guilt me into doing what they want to do by threatening not to come to the wedding. My response would be, “Then let them not come”. I would also try talking to them about it to get their opinion, vs relying on info from Future Mother-In-Law. 

Post # 8
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Jewish weddings, even orthodox weddings, don’t need to be in synagogues–i’ve been to several orthodox wedding ceremonies in hotels and other event spaces. your fmil seems just straight up wrong about that (though I mostly know modern orthodox families–lubavitch or hasidic is totally off my radar, so if that’s what they are, i have no idea…). if i were you i’d focus on finding a rabbi that you and your fi click with first, and then maybe figuring out the venue details from there. i grew up in a conservative synagogue with a rabbi that i think would 100000% consider you Jewish since you have been raised to consider yourself Jewish, and a reform rabbi def would. hubby and i were married by a reform rabbi in a synagogue and had our reception elsewhere, but the rabbi would have married us anywhere we wanted.

Post # 9
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

it depends on the rabbi, and how reform they are.  i’ve had a lot of difficulty with this myself, but i imagine it would definitely help that you went to hebrew school for so long. 

Post # 10
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

If they’re *that* Orthodox, they will consider what you’re doing an intermarriage anyway, and your children to be non-Jews, because Orthodox Jews only recognize matrilinial descent. That said, Reform and some Conservative Jews will welcome you and your children with open arms.

You have to have the wedding that works for *you*. *YOU* are not an Orthodox Jew, nor is your Fiance, nor are either set of parents, and determining the location of you wedding to suit a soon to be semi-distant relative is not going to make you happy in the long term. Also, unless you’re planning to have EVERY family event Kosher, it might be time that these family members start to make compromises.

My experience: FI’s younger sister became an Extremely Right Wing Orthodox Jew in grad school (his family is loosely reform, his father is Christian) and is currently refusing to attend our wedding ceremony.

Post # 11
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Just something to remember- Check with the Rabbi before you chose a wedding date.  There are specific days throughout the year where Jews cannot marry.  I have known brides who have booked wedding venues only to realize that no Rabbi will officiate due to the date. 

My sister and her husband made sure that they had a Rabbi who was conservative because anything less religious than that, and the marriage would not be recognized in Israel.  This was something important to them and the religious people attending the wedding.  It is not written anywhere that a jewish wedding has to be at a synagogue.  As long as you have a Chuppah and do all the traditional things, you can have the wedding in a synagogue or a wedding venue.  The same holds true for the reception.  As far as the food, just make sure that the orthodox family has something to eat…i don’t think you need to go completely out of your way.  So have several private meals provided by a kosher catering company and just have your company reheat them.  Also, remember that cake is not kosher, so have fruit available for dessert for them.

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