- 3 months ago
Yep joint account ——> proposal. We have a joint account and he proposed. Is that not how it works?
Yep joint account ——> proposal. We have a joint account and he proposed. Is that not how it works?
OP I don’t want to pounce on you when you’re already hurting. There is not need for that. But I do think you need to be honest with yourself about what you want and whether you are getting it, and if not, what are the realistic steps you need to take to get there.
I also read the title of your post the same way the others did – I thought you were asking if him wanting to open a joint bank account was a sign he is thinking about marriage. To me, that feels a lot like grasping at straws. Opening a joint account is merely a practical thing to do when you share bills. I get why you want to see it as more, but honestly if you choose to let yourself believe it means something more you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment.
You need to talk to your partner about setting a shared vision and plan for your future. Don’t sit back and drive yourself crazy trying to read into every little thing. In this case you’re not just reading into something, you’re actively ignoring the fact that he outright stated a ring is not forthcoming. That isn’t good.
As for you feeling attacked for living together, sleeping together, buying a house together and opening a joint account together before engagement, while I don’t think anyone actually was attacking you, I hope it makes you feel better to know that my fiance and I did all those things before we got engaged. We like to joke that we did it all backwards. We did things in the order we did because it worked for us. But the question for you is – is this order and timeline working for YOU?
anon1227 : im lost even if someone is engaged why couldn’t you share a bank account?? I mean I assume if you are engaged to the person then you trust them enough. This isn’t in response to the OP because I know you’re not engaged but to everyone else. If you live as married meaning you share the bills and whatnot wouldnt it make sense to have a joint account?
anonymousbee001 : my fiance owns the house and its not in my man but I pay the water and electric bill and part of the mortgage and we are both quite content with this arrangement so there is nothing wrong with that if that is the arrangement the couple has. No need to be judgy about it
If marriage was what I actually wanted, I would not agree to share finances with someone who had not yet proposed to me and who quickly let me know that he wasn’t talking about marriage but a way to make bill paying easier. I would smile and tell him:
“I think that’s a great conversation to have and I’m sure it would make bill paying easier, but since we aren’t engaged, I’d rather continue to keep our finances separate. Just in case I have to make a swift getaway.” and then I’d kiss him and walk away laughing.
soexcited123 : You misunderstand: I was judging her mischaracterization that they “own a house together” when her previous posts state clearly that is not true.
I was not judging her choice to contribute financially to bills, and to be responsible for her own living expenses in general. Although, as other posters have stated, she should be careful if she is contributing to equity in a property for which, unlike in your case, she has no current or imminent legal right. That’s a terrible financial decision of which she should be aware.
Also, a joint bank account is an additional financial entanglement to someone who has made little commitment. Would you open a joint bank account with a roommate?
anonymousbee001 : err what? Comparing an engaged relationship to that of a roommate is not a fair comparison at all. A roommate could literally be someone you found online or in an ad who you don’t share any other relationship with other than shared living space. There isn’t the possibility of getting married to a roommate, there isn’t the romantic investment that you put in each others lives, you aren’t making eachother a priority, you aren’t looking to start a family with a roommate. Im sorry but thats an awful comparison. If my fiance compared our relationship to that of a roommate I would be devastated not to mention I would be signing us up for relationship counseling faster than you can say 1,2,3.
In many cases doing things like moving in together, sharing bills, cooking and cleaning and all of those things are fine even if a couple isn’t engaged or married yet. For a lot of people these are steps towards marriage. And for these couples that works because they have concrete engagement or wedding plans. For those couples it’s a when not and if. But when you get into a situation like yours OP where you’ve literally done all that for him for YEARS with no payout in terms of commitment you need to change tactics. Right now your giving him everything he wants, all the wifey duties but your getting nothing in return. So don’t keep piling on more wifey duties (like a shared banking account). Because he has already proven to you that giving him all those things results in him giving you back zero.
At this point stop giving him everything he wants. Make it clear to him that he needs to give to this relationship too. You would like to be engaged by x month. Stand up for yourself.
soexcited123 : Again, I think you misunderstand. I’m not judging you for sharing a bank account with your fiance, nor do I think other posters are. I think a number of posters waited until they were married because that is the natural point, given it’s when the legal relationship begins (and also because some engagements don’t ultimately result in marriage). Also, paperwork isn’t the most exciting prospect.
However, in her case, she should not be encouraged to share a bank account. If you read her post, she is not engaged and there are no immediate plans to be engaged or start a family, so a roommate, albeit with a romantic aspect, is an appropriate comparison (for her not for you). You alluded to the fact that they “live as married” and “share the bills”. This is not sufficient reason to share a bank account, especially since she is unhappy with the status quo.
Also, a number of people pointed out how quickly she was to assume that a joint account was a step towards a proposal when he explicitly stated otherwise.
I think having a house and getting married are mutually exclusive. Having a house is a commitment, sure, but it doesn’t equal marriage. My husband (then-boyfriend) and I were not married when we bought our house, but we did have explicit conversations about marriage and set our engagement timeline before we even moved into the house. He proposed six months later. We did not share any joint finances before we got married, and both signed a cohabitation agreement since we were not married when we bought the house. It’s really important to protect yourself legally and financially if you’re living with someone and not married.
missmollybee : “having a house and getting married are mutually exclusive” — Is there a typo here? Mutually exclusive means that having one automatically excludes the possibility of having the other. So having a house and getting married are not mutually exclusive because you can do both.
anon1227 : You’ve mentioned many times in the past that you have had “the ring” conversation with this man. Whatever his reasons are, he is not interested at all in marriage at this point in your relationship. The fact that you have gone through monthly posts expressing hurt, anger, and PMDD symptoms all surrounding this particular issue leads me to believe that it matters VERY much to you.
As do your aggressive responses to the Bees.
I don’t think anyone has it out for you. I do, however, think that people can be brutallly frank in ways that can be painful to hear. You’ve been speaking about the same subject for 9 months. Your anniversary is here, and it would have been a perfect time to surprise you with a ring — even an Amazon ring. A ring from Prime could be there in one day, and be slipped on your finger at any point if he WANTED that. He doesn’t. He’s shown that.
Instead, he wants the convienence of a mutual bank account, a mortgage that you pay toward but gain no benefit from, and a partner who lives with him as a spouse. There’s nothing wrong with doing things unlike a “traditionalist.” But you are clearly UNHAPPY with how you ARE doing things.
I’m worried, with your pattern, that you are venting on the Bee and then lashing out at people because you know that lashing out about this topic to your partner has yielded no results in the past. Which only drives you deeper into heartache. I’m sure it feels “good” in the moment to have these conversations on the boards in the aftermath of hearing peoples’ opinions. Because, in part, it forces you to defend your relationship. “They don’t know us, they don’t know me. We do things differently. This is the RIGHT thing for us. He is closer now and is serious because he wants to join finances officially!”
It seems that this is all part of a deep, complicated delusion you have pushed yourself into in order to cope with one very real reality: you want to be engaged, you want to be wanted, and you want to be married.
You have invested a year into his mortgage. Soon, it may be two years. You’re paying for something that may only ever benefit him. There is no RISK for him in that. There is no risk to him in ANYTHING he has agreed to. Really, there is no risk for him in sharing a bank account with you because you have been too passive to ask for a ring — you certainly aren’t going to go spending his money without his permission. But he likely will decide that your mutual funds need to be spent on something for his house, or electronics he favors, or to guide how you spend your weekends. And, make it harder to leave him if he continues to not provide you what you really need.
He is tethering you to him in many ways, all that benefit only him. All while refusing your emotional needs. Needs that he is PERFECTLY aware of through your conversations in the past, and his immediate clarification about opening an account together for financial planning — “but not about a ring.”
Of COURSE he is “thinking about it and knows how you feel.” And he keeps denying you.
That should be an angry rant about HIM from you. He knows, he acknowledge your needs, and then dismisses them.
He does it so often that you run to the Bee once a month to vent, and then lash out at us to make yourself feel better.
We aren’t the problem here.
He told you, “let’s make it easier for me to share your money for financial planning, BUT NOT BECAUSE OF A RING BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT!!!” And here you are, mad at us for trying to show you that.
Sis, instead, direct your emotions back to where they belong.
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