(Closed) Joint shower etiquette

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@fzesguer: I am in the UK where showers are not the norm and when I saw the post title I thought it was about etiquette regarding joint showers (in the bathroom) with your SO. 

*Face palm* 

Post # 4
Member
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

No, the shower guest list should ONLY be your closest family and friends.  Basically, anyone you share holidays with should be invited.  

Your 3rd cousins once removed you haven’t seen since you were 4, not so much.  

Also, a co-ed shower is fine, but it can be a much larger expense since you’re basically doubling the guest list, make sure your host is OK with that before you send her a list.  

Remember, this is supposed to an intimate affair with your closest loved ones– this shouldn’t be people you’re socaially awkward around. 

Post # 5
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Showers are normally female only and much smaller than the wedding (typically only close friends and family are invited). Since you’re having a joint shower, you can decide how to do the invites, but I’d suggest limiting it to 20-30 people who are very close to you and your Fiance.

Showers are centered around gift-giving (“showering the bride with gifts”), but they usually also include light refreshments and a couple of games.

Post # 6
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club

If you don’t want the guest list to be super huge but still want your Fiance there, you don’t have to include the men. 

Post # 7
Member
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

And for your last question– yes, traditionally, this is when your female friends and relatives give you gifts to help “set up” your home to be a good wife.  So traditional gifts are small appliances, cook books, linens, fancy dishes– everything to make you the perfect hostess and wife. 

Obviously times have changed and women have stepped out of the kitchen a bit 🙂

So now a shower is mostly just a chance to celebrate that you’re getting married.  

Post # 8
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Yes the purpose if a wedding shower is to ‘shower’ the bride, or the couple as it’s now often done, with gifts. But definitely do not give them to same guest list as the wedding! All the showers I’ve ever been to have been significantly smaller than the wedding, and honestly if I offered to host a shower for someone and the guest list for it was as long as the one for the wedding, I’d feel like the bride/couple was being inconsiderate expecting me to feed and host that many people. Showers are traditionally only for close friends and family members. We had 140 people at our wedding, and about 35-40 at the shower, which included my close friends, immediate family, grandmothers, aunts, and female cousins (all of who I’m very close to and see on a regular basis).

The first thing to decide is if you want a traditional shower (which would be females only, although I’ve seen this done where the groom still came and it was totally fine, the gifts are for him too!) or a couples shower, where it’s both guys and girls. Then look at your guest list and pick out the people you want to invite, which should be local guests only unless they’re very close family or are in the bridal party, and like I said should be a much smaller list than the wedding one. Everything else is pretty much up to the host.

Post # 9
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@juliette.eliza:  This is something that varies by region, or perhaps social circle. While I have been to small showers, a majority of showers I have been to have been every woman on the guest list who was personally acquainted with the bride, and some have simply been every woman who was invited to the wedding.

Post # 10
Member
13014 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

As PPs have said, showers are usually the closest female friends and family members who give gifts to the bride to start her new married life.  I would not invite your entire guest list, because it starts like you’re just looking for lots of gifts (which I know is not your intention!).

While couple showers are getting more popular, you should be aware that most men will not want to come. 

Post # 11
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I would just have close friends/relatives. If you are still wanting a traditional shower with gifts/games I would just do a regular , with just women and have Darling Husband attend. I definately would not invite everyone invited to the wedding though.

Post # 13
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@fzesguer:  In general shower gifts are separate from wedding gifts, so people who attend the shower will give 2 gifts. However, in some regions (like parts of the South), only one gift is given. Depending on your own family background, I’d say expect 2 gifts from people who attend the shower, but don’t be upset if some of them give only 1. Just make sure you have enough things on your registry that people can get 2 gifts if they want to 🙂

Post # 14
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@fzesguer:  Most people will give a physical gift at the shower and then money in a card at the wedding, this can vary based on your social circle though.

Post # 15
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

In the last few years I have notice a trend of people not having female only showers, or hosting couple showers, and some people ditching the shower and doing an informal potluck or get together for close friends and family to meet.

 

You aren’t inviting your whole guestlist. It should be only close friends and family, and if you want it small then there no reason to not attend in that case. Unless you really want your Fi there.

This is one of the things I love in my family, typically it’s female only and it’s more about sharing a nice afternoon with family and friends. Most people bring small gifts or things like lingerie. It varies from the ones I attended. Where some people brought gifts from the wedding registry so it really depends.

Post # 16
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

A good rule of thumb for helping pare down the guest list: you generally wouldn’t invite anyone who would have to travel a long way to attend a shower. Exceptions might be super-close family like your sisters, or super-close friends like members of your Bridal Party (and even if you send them an invite, it might just be understood that they aren’t going to be able to come) but typically a shower would encompass just the guests within reasonable driving distance.

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