(Closed) Joking when its not funny/ having an off week vent

posted 8 months ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
7751 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Daisy_Mae :  Ok, comparing child abuse to waiting for a proposal is pretty insane so I’m not even going to touch on that.

To your general point re: not being able to understand something cause you personally haven’t experienced it….really? I haven’t experienced this particular saga either, but after reading story after story on here, seeing the pain and confusion so many bees go through while waiting, I don’t see what is so hard to understand about it. These women are in love with their partners and they want to be with them forever. In many cases, their partners are paying lip service to the idea of wanting to get engaged too…but then for whatever reason, they keep delaying the actual proposal. Someitmes they eventually come around wholeheartedly, sometimes they never do.

So if youi’re the girlfriend in that situation, you have two choices: take your boyfriend at his word and wait a little longer in the hopes he will get there; or walk away from a seemingly wonderful relationship , have your heart broken, and start all over again. In many cases, leaving is the right choice, but it’s really hard! I have never been a waiting bee, but I’ve had to walk away from a relationship in the past in which I loved my boyfriend but coudl tell he just wasn’t ever gonna step up and be the kind of man I’d want to spend my life with. It was so hard! I did it, but I’m not gonna sit here all smug and act like I’m some super woman because I (eventually, after years!) decided I deserved better than that, while many women on these boards haven’t gotten to that point yet in their relationships.

Again, it’s not so simple as “waiting around for somene who doesn’t want to marry you.” Many of these men, including the OP’s bf, claim to want to marry their gf. It’s not like these men are telling their partner, “I don’t want to marry you and never will, deal with it!” and the gf remains year after year in a state of total denial (well, that can happen too but that’s not what we’re talking about here). 

I just don’t undersatnd how you can read story after story on here about this type of thing and not get it, even if your own path to engagement was completely angst-free.

Post # 62
Member
8919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

tiffanybruiser :  “I just don’t undersatnd how you can read story after story” — The same way I can read story after story about child abuse and not understand the mindset behind it. I’m not sure why you’re offended by me mentioning these two things in the same sentance. I’m not saying that waiting for an engagement is like beating a child, I’m saying these are examples of things that I don’t understand. It’s not just a matter of “I’ve never experienced it.” I specifically gave an example of something that I have not experienced, but I understand because there are other things in life that I can relate it to. You just gave an example of how you relate to these waiting posts even though you haven’t been in that situation. I don’t have an example like that. Therefore, I don’t understand. I don’t understand how it’s hard to understand someone not understanding. … Not sure this sidebar is helpful to the op though….

Post # 63
Member
7751 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Ok I will spell it out for you. Someone who abuses a child is sick In the head. It’s not relatable to the vast majority of the population, and thank goodness for that  

Someone who is experiencing “waiting angst” is (usually) coming from a place of love, hope, and perhaps misplaced trust. Along with insecurity. Those are things most people have experienced on some level in some interpersonal relationship or another, or could at least relate to.

This is why your child abuse  analogy is so inane.  Daisy_Mae :  

Post # 64
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee

It’s less a matter of not “getting it” than knowing that if you found yourself in the same position you’d bail early on, forget the wait. And yes, it’s hard to leave someone, but most people have, I know I did. I think it’s much more a matter of being afraid, afraid you won’t find someone else and afraid about how hard it can be. So inertia rules, and sitting around and waiting becomes the choice. But the best thing is to ask yourself what you would do if you weren’t afraid. Personally I always knew I would find someone. I was more worried about the wrong person finding me and being trapped in a dead-end marriage. And I didn’t commit to being faithful to someone until I was damn sure that I had found the one, for which I’m being roasted on another thread.  I’ve been engaged 2x and had 3 marriage proposals. It’s not that difficult to get a proposal. If it is difficult, maybe you’re not in the relationship you should be.

Post # 65
Member
7751 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

sunburn :   I think it’s much more a matter of being afraid, afraid you won’t find someone else and afraid about how hard it can be. So inertia rules, and sitting around and waiting becomes the choice. But the best thing is to ask yourself what you would do if you weren’t afraid.

Yep, I think this is spot on advice.  

Post # 66
Member
862 posts
Busy bee

Supernurse :  I don’t disagree with her assertion that men’s happiness typically increases with marriage, only with suggestion that it implies men should be more eager to marry. Did you read my comment in its entirety? In short, she neglects to consider dispersion of outcomes.

Also, I think your argument fails to get at the crux of the issue. While, conditional on marriage, men are less likely to recover upon its dissolution, that does not imply, ex-ante, that men should be more likely to prefer marriage.

Post # 67
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

ladyjane123 :  Bringing the post back to the OP since it’s gotten a little side tracked, “joking” about the future is not a normal “guy thing” at all. The only reason people in general would “joke” when confronted with the future is because they are uncomfortable. Think about it, is it funny? Like at all? No, it’s not a joke that is going to be laughed at because it’s not funny, it’s not even funny to the people saying it. It’s a discomfort reaction passed off as a “joke” when the other person gets upset.

People “joke” like that when they don’t know what else to say. If he doesn’t know what else to say it’s because he doesn’t want to confirm that he is also looking forward to your future and future children (probably because he’s unsure still and doesn’t want to encourage the conversation) and he doesn’t want to tell you he’s not in the same place so he resorts to “joking”. It’s a discomfort reaction, I’ve 100% done it in past relationships. When I’ve been with someone I know I don’t see a future with 100% and they’ve made a comment about our future wedding, or marriage, or children the reaction I’ve always had is “haha yeah our wedding suuure” because I’m uncomfortable and don’t know what else to say.

That’s not to say he won’t get there but it’s a pretty solid indicator that he’s not there yet. He sounds like he wants to be where you’re at which is why when you get serious and have a serious talk with him he’ll agree with you but he’s probably not being completely honest about where he’s at, most likely because he does like you and wants to be where you’re at and he’s afraid that if he admits that he isn’t there the relationship will possibly end or change drastically when he just needs more time. 

Also I completely disagree that “men” as a whole don’t understand womens fertility and therefore don’t understand the need to try having kids by mid 30s. “Men” don’t live under a rock and “men” are not stupid. If a guy doesn’t know that it’s more difficult for women to have children when they get older and eventually becomes impossible because they’ve had their head down their whole lives then once you tell said guy that womens fertility…blahblahblah… now he knows! You’ve had the conversation with him before, he knows about womens fertility now. 

You’ve raced through this relationship, technically you guys are still in the honeymoon phase. You were pushing for a proposal timeline before you even knew him! Yes you knew him a bit but 3-6 months in you don’t KNOW him if you know what I mean. You’re still learning about eachother and it really seems like (based on all your posts) he’s just not in the same place as you and you’ve just pilled on the pressure in the relationship which I’m sure is quite overwhelming. 

I’m not suggesting a break up either, if you are happy with him (not because of an imminent engagement) slow down and give him more time, when he knows what he wants you won’t hear a single “joke” from him, no one makes jokes about things they take seriously. Just enjoy eachother, and keep learning about eachother, remember you’re deciding to spend the rest of your lives together, make sure you both are 100% sure that it’s what you want without pressure from the other person or you might be heading for disaster. 

Also addressing your time concern, why not start trying to get pregnant once you’re engaged? It’s not the same as marriage but you’ve both officially agreed to marriage so why not? Or have a quick courthouse wedding like the day after you get engaged and then you can start TTC. You are pushing for an engagement right now because you want time to get married and then have kids and you feel like your time is running out but pushing when he isn’t ready is not a good idea. What if you got engaged next year when he actually feels ready and then just go to the courthouse and get married. You may want a big party sure but life throws curveballs, knowing someone 100% wants to be with you for the rest of your life is more important than a party and having kids is more important than a party so you may need to comprimise on some of the things you want and work a new plan. 

Post # 68
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

LOL at the chocolate analogy!!  Hilarious!!!  Sums things up really well though.  Daisy_Mae :  

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