(Closed) Journey of TTC after miscarriage part 5

posted 8 years ago in TTC
Post # 512
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498 posts
Helper bee

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4littlekitties:  That’s so, so true. I’m not going to apologize for being sad. I’m not going to pretend it didn’t happen, just for pleasantry’s sake. I AM sad. It DID happen. 

You’re a wise one. 

Post # 514
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1673 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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minniemluv:  I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself here… but welcome. I also was prescribed misoprostol.. twice because it didn’t work the first time. It was horrible. I know it’s supposedly safer than a D&C, but I don’t know if I would do it again. I had to do it on Christmas Eve, and I sent my husband to the family dinner we were supposed to attend because I wanted everyone to believe I just had a GI bug. About an hour after he left, the UPS truck showed up with a little college onsie I had bought for him as a last minute gift. Sometimes the universe is cruel.

Post # 515
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1327 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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minniemluv:  Sorry you found yourself here and sorry for your losses.  

Post # 516
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Well yesterday was torture.  I went to the OB to get confirmation of MC.  There was no growth like I expected but it was still so hard to be there again.  At least this time the ultrasound tech was really nice and explained everything.  Last time this happened the tech did not say one word about the status of my baby.  The only way I knew is the doctor said sorry.  I opted not to get the D&C this time and got the pills.  I will take them this weekend if it doesn’t happen naturallly by then.   This sucks! 

Post # 517
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498 posts
Helper bee

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desertgirl:  I’m so sorry. It sucks to go through the whole process, but going through the physical process is especially painful. I hope your body take care of it naturally and that it’s as least-traumatic as it can be. Lots of love. 

Kiss your son. 🙂

Post # 518
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844 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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desertgirl:  I’m so sorry. I remember the tech and my doctor looking for the heartbeat and it was the longest minute of my life. Sometimes it just sucks to have to endure all that pain. 

 

AFM, I’m having a bit of a rough patch. With DH gone all week I’ve been feeling lonely already. While I appreciate the time to myself, it has also given me more than enough time to think about my POAS date this Saturday. I don’t even have any inclination that I’m pregnant so I’ve already prepared for the disappointment of AF coming. I’ve been trying to be so positive and find the silver lining in all this TTC again. I just keep thinking that this isn’t where my life should be. I keep reliving the moments of my mc. Some days it just hits me hard that I’ve lost a happy piece of me that was so optimistic and positive about getting pregnant. I just wonder if I’ll ever get that back :(. I struggle daily with happily trying and not wanting to try for a few years. Both thoughts make me sad sometimes. I guess I’m just grappling with starting over again for real since my POAS is this week. It makes the mc too real now.

Post # 519
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179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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MrsNebraska:  I’m sorry you’re having a rough time.  I think until we get our BFP’s it’s going to continue to be an emotional time.

I’m in the same spot this week, and I had a huge temp drop this morning and I know AF is coming (probably early, wtf)….it’s so upsetting.  I’m trying to stay positive but a part of me was really hoping that I would get a BFP right away and not have to keep on TTC with BFN every month.  On another note, I’m waiting for my Day 21 results to come in and kinda hoping that might give me some insight.  How sad is it that I’m hoping there is a problem there?

Post # 520
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498 posts
Helper bee

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MrsNebraska:  I’m sorry you’re struggling this week and having sad, dark thoughts. If it’s any consolation, I know exactly what you mean about wondering if you’re ever going to feel happy and excited about trying again. I don’t know if I will. Losing my pregnancy was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It wasn’t just a passing phase. It changed me. I’ll never be the way I was before it happened . . . so now I’m trying to figure out of any good came of it. Am I better in any way? Or just sadder? 

I think Spinwife is right, that it’s not going to feel “better” until we get our BFPs. And even then, will I ever stop thinking about it? What you said on the other thread last night about thinking about it every single day — so do I. I think most people do. I wish it weren’t so consuming. I wish I had some advice for how to move forward with a better attitude.

That said, it’s good to prepare for the possible disappointment, but you’re also at a time in the process full of so much promise. This could be your cycle! I’m really hoping it is.

Post # 521
Member
844 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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Spinwife:  
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redux:  Thank you both so much for you words. I’m suppose to be 12DPO and got a negative today. It’s just so hard readjusting back into all this. Sometimes I feel so alone IRL because my DH is the only one who openly will talk to me about this. It still hurts when people mention us having kids, even in the hypothetical future sense. I had a student tell me that when DH and I have kids…someday… blah blah blah. He felt the need to add “someday” because he knew of the mc. It just sucks. I wish I could just start all over where everyone didn’t know I was pregnant.

Post # 522
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

A nurse called today and told me that my blood test from yesterday showed my HCG still at 800 something. They want me to repeat the blood test in a week, but she warned that if it doesn’t go down I may need a D&C afterall. I went through the misoprostol experience over last weekend and they confirmed with an ultrasound yesterday that everything came out, so the thought of having to have the D&C anyway just makes me really angry. I’ll just pray that my hormones go back down. I was pregnant with twins, so maybe that’s why it’s still high?

Post # 523
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1673 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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minniemluv:  I had this exact thing happen. I used misoprostol Christmas and New Year’s eve and my Hcg was positive until the end of February. It has to do with the lining of the uterus still being thick. They also threatened the D&C, but after using the misoprostol, I just refused. I couldn’t swallow having gone through that for nothing.

Post # 524
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ladies, I need some perspective. I’m in a bad way right now. My MC was such a traumatic experience and I can’t move past it. Quick recap: was told on 8/20 that baby’s heartbeat had stopped 2 weeks prior, just shy of the 7 week mark. I waited almost 2 weeks to start to miscarry naturally, only to have an emergency D&C on 9/8 after hemorrhaging. My spotting stopped 4 days ago. I cry every day. I’m so sensitive to everything anyone says to me. I ache for my baby. I’ve started Weight Watchers to lose some “newlywed weight” before trying again. I’m scared to try again next cycle and go through this again, and I’m scared to wait and have unpredictable cycles that make it difficult. As many of you are, I’m watching friends and other women in my life announce their pregnancies and I have such a hard time being happy for them. I have two weddings coming up in October and have no interest in going, especially to the one where I will be at the same table as a girl who announced her pregnancy the day before I would have been announcing mine. I just want to hide for a while. How did you handle these kinds of situations? How did you start to move on a little bit? How did you get past the fear of the unknown and start trying again? I thought time would heal but I just seem to be getting worse. Please help me. My husband is afraid to leave me alone like I’m going to do something stupid. I love him, my life and God way too much to do anything drastic. I just feel stuck and need help getting out of this rut. Please offer your advice and experiences. Anything will help. I am so grateful to have you ladies to come to. Thanks in advance.

Post # 525
Member
844 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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Kay1126:  I’m definitely not the strongest person in this group. But we had told everyone about the pregnancy because we were suppose to be in the clear at the 2nd trimester. So I know how hard it is dealing with people who know and struggling with how to act around people. I still get the occasional person that asks about the pregnancy. It took time, which was not easy for me. Eventually I started to cry less every day, and eventually every few days. Some days are definitely harder and some are just fine. I just always tried to look forward to the days where it would hurt less, but know that it never would completely not hurt. People around me are getting pregnant, having kids, and talking about starting families. They give me weird, sad looks that just make me think I can’t do it again. But then it stops and I can breathe again. I had some seriously dark thoughts during my week of limbo between knowing I had a mmc and seeing no heartbeat and having the D&C. I told my DH I thought about taking all the pain pills my dr prescribed just in case I started mcing on my own because it hurt so much. I thought I could never want to TTC again. I questioned my whole life during that. It has been the darkest moment of my life that I have ever had. I’ve never told anyone but my DH that. After my D&C my hormones leveled out and I felt better. I became more optimistic. It still scares the ever living shit out of me to TTC. My mom actually asked me about our plans today. I told her we would probably try (making it seem like we werent really) and that we wouldnt tell anyone if it happened again for awhile. She got so upset with me that it hurt my feelings how not understanding she was. And she even had a MC before! She said it would hurt her feelings if I didn’t tell her I was pregnant right way. I am NOT going through telling people only to have a mmc or a mc again. I am still angry about feeling guilty for that. It is 100 times worse untelling someone than not telling them at all. The guilt I carried around with me and still feel is one of the hardest parts. I hurt so many people, even though it wasn’t my fault. I regret telling anyone. We will wait until 14+ weeks next time. It just takes time, which is not easy for anyone. I just tried to be gentle with myself. You deserve to feel everything you are. 

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