(Closed) Journey of TTC after miscarriage part 5

posted 8 years ago in TTC
Post # 62
Member
2402 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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bouncybee:  Congrats on joining slimming world. Hope it is going well for you x

Post # 63
Member
2402 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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KatieBklyn:  
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4littlekitties:  Mother’s Day sucks! It happens in March for us and I hid and drank lots of wine.. It helped!! Then I was in the US last week and saw the ads and I thought ‘ugh, not again!’. I remember last year thinking I’d have a baby by this Mother’s Day!!

Post # 65
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hi everyone, I’m new here, although I’ve been lurking for quite some time. All your stories have helped me immensely through TTC and my miscarriages. Thought I would finally join in!

Status (MC cycle/rest cycle/TTC cycle): Rest cycle, waiting for the ok to TTC again.

MC History: Natural MC at 9 weeks in July 2013 after hearing a strong heartbeat 3 days prior, blighted ovum at 8 weeks in Dec 2013 w/ a D&C.

Issues (if any): I sought the advice of 4 different OBs who all told me to just try again. I ignored them and went to a fertility specialist anyway and she found a uterine septum and that I have slight hypothyroidism. Also saw a urologist who found that DH had a varicocele causing poor morphology & slightly elevated sperm DNA fragmentation.

Action Plan for next TTC cycle (ie Baby Aspirin, progesterone, etc): I just had a hysteroscopy to remove the uterine septum, I’m on thyroid meds and my levels are being monitored by my fertility doc. I need to wait another cycle to heal from surgery and then go in for an ultrasound to see if I am healed enough to TTC. She also plans to put me on baby aspirin and progesterone. My husband had surgery to repair the varicocele 2 months ago. One more month and we’ll do another SA to see if it’s improved. He’s also on a heavy vitamin regime. The last four months have felt like non-stop doctor appointments, tests, surgeries…..ack!

Link to chart: Giving myself a break from charting πŸ™‚

What are your biggest challenges right now? With my first pregnancy/miscarriage I shared a due date with my best friend, with my second pregnancy/miscarriage I shared a due date with my SIL. That has been the hardest thing for me through this – watching their pregnancies grow and hit milestones at the same time I should have. I feel like such a failure, and also feel so guilty when I avoid them or can’t feel super happy for them. Also getting through all the testing, procedures & surgeries was very stressful, especially because we had to schedule it around my husband’s crazy work travel schedule (he is a consultant and normally travels every Mon – Thurs, but a few months ago was needed in Germany for 2 months!) It was tough managing all of that, especially when we would get bad news on test results. Now that most of that is behind us, I am feeling better but getting more and more scared about trying again…I feel hopeful because we’ve fixed so many issues, but terrified at the same time!

Current coping strategies/favourite inspirational quotes: Trying to enjoy all the things I wouldn’t be able to if I were pregnant or with kids – traveling often, enjoying lots of wine, sleeping in, etc.  I’ve been seeing a therapist who specializes in all pregnancy related mental health issues and it’s been really helpful to help process all my feelings and learn ways to cope. I also try to stay off Facebook, although that never lasts πŸ™‚

 

Post # 66
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Well today was my first day back to work after my D&C.  Can you believe that the moment that I walk in this lady screams across the courtyard.  Hey Jessica are you pregnant again? I was like no! She says oh I thought your purse was hiding it.  Then she says. No offence!!  Ugh!!  Not how I wanted to start my day back.  Then last night I went to the ER cause I was bleeding and passing lots of clots.  They checked me out and said I was ok.  The rest of my day was ok.  No one really asked any questions so that was good.  Today is my Birthday so my husband is bringing me some goodies and I think I will crack open a bottle of wine.  Hope everyone is having a better day than me.  

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Lex922:  Welcome to the board. 

Post # 68
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Thanks for the welcome to the board. 

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desertgirl:  Comments like that are like a stab to the heart….so sorry that’s what you returned to. My first day back at work after my first MC I burst into tears at the first “how are you?” (someone who knew I had been out of work, but didn’t know why). I ended up going home early after that! The first day back to work is definitely the hardest. How are you feeling today? 

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4littlekitties:  Thanks for the nice words. You are going through so much right now, I’m so sorry to hear about your Mother-In-Law and sister. And the MC grief on top of it, that’s so much to deal with. People that haven’t gone through it often underestimate the grief women experience after a MC. It’s easy to feel like you don’t have a right to your grief because there are other things that are “worse” (i.e your DH losing his mom). But loss is loss, in whatever form, and the experience of MC grief is similar to any other loss that we tell ourselves would be worse.  That said, what your DH is going through is awful and I’m sure it’s so difficult to not be with him, and be torn in two directions and feeling so helpless. Hoping your sister starts to get better soon. Prayers for your entire family. How heartbreaking!

It’s been 10 mos since my first MC and 5 months since my 2nd MC, and although on the whole I’m feeling stronger and happier, I still get so sad. I can still cry so easily about it all. My SIL is about 7 months along now, exactly where I should be, and even though I’m excited to be an aunt for the first time, I still get so sad around her, maybe because it’s becoming so real now. She’s got the cutest bump, and she and my brother are starting to decorate the nursery, doing hospital tours, and her shower is in a few weeks. DH and I are getting closer to being able to try again (perhaps next cycle?) which is exciting but emotional/scary. And I’ve been trying so hard not to wish this time away….I know it’s precious time with my DH and freedom we’ll never get again. But it’s so hard when your heart is broken to not want time to go by faster!

Post # 69
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

Hi ladies…

funny, it seems like I just roll called on the April POAS and December mama thread…wait. That’s because I did. Sh*t. Obviously that didnt work out so well, and now I just kind of feel in limbo.

like some of you have said, there’s no one besides my mom, my hubs, and one friend that I can talk about this with in real life…so I’m sorry that I found you ladies here, but selfishly glad.

 

Roll call:

 

 

Status (MC cycle/rest cycle/TTC cycle):

 

Still in what I guess is MC cycle from an ectopic, about 10 days post surgery. Waiting on a period in a few weeks to start counting cycles.

 

MC History:

now: ectopic diagnosed…gosh, 2 weeks ago tomorrow. Treated with methotrexate, but ended up being one of the lucky 10% it doesn’t work for (of course, that’s of the 2% of pregnancies that are ectopic in the first place…yay.) ruptured Easter weekend, lost the right tube. 

Issues (if any):

 

doc said the ovaries both look good and leftie looks good. 

Creeping up on the “advanced maternal age” cut off…I’m 34

terror that when we try again it’ll be ectopic again and ill lose leftie and with it any chance to conceive without I’ve…does that count as an issue? πŸ™‚

Action Plan for next TTC cycle (ie Baby Aspirin, progesterone, etc):

ill head to my follow up later this week so i will know more then, but it’ll be a cycle or two before we try again because of A. Sitches B. have to get the all clear from the doc before we BD again C. Conflicting info about how long I have to wait because of the methotrexate shot

unless doc says otherwise, will be restarting prenatals (had to stop because of the mtx) to get the folic acid going, restarting the excercise program, and getting back on eating well…post surgery food was either crackers or my husbands cooking (pizza) 

oh yeah, and since I’m at least one cycle, maybe 2 or 3, out from being able to try, I see a couple glasses of wine in my future.

Link to chart:

 

none…

What are your biggest challenges right now?

Irrational jealousy of all the mommies I see out and about…I swear, it’s like they know my schedule and follow me en masse to lunch, the post office, the grocery store…thank goodness I work at home. 

Fear. I miss rightie. not just because I’d had him…as long as I can remember. Also because now I feel broken, like I’m failing at this, like I waited too long and this is what I get for trying to wait till we were at least mostly being responsible. Fear that itll happen again. fear that without rightie and with my age my statistical chances are dropping quickly. Lame, I know. Self pitying, i know. This part will pass, won’t it?

sigh. Sorry.

Current coping strategies/favourite inspirational quotes: 

well, since I have some cycles to kill, wine.

working on learning to knit…slowly

i work. A ton.

baking. 

Post # 70
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

Wow! So sorry that was a huge post. Oops.

Post # 71
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Roll call: Well I’m coming out of lurking also. I got my BFP the beginning of march. Discovered twins with healthy heartbeats. Follow up ultra sound showed no heartbeats at 9 weeks. I was pretty much the most depressed i have ever been. It’s been two weeks now and I’m starting to feel better mentally and emotionally. The change in my bodies hormones was absolutely crazy and made the situation so much worse. I’m just ready to move on though.

Status (MC cycle/rest cycle/TTC cycle): I’m in my MC cycle still…..peed on stick and it is still positive so there is def still hcg in my body. Never thought I’d be wishing for a BFN while ttc lol. We plan on trying again right away.  Does anyone know if I will ovulate before I get my first real period again? I know I’ve heard of people getting pregnant after miscarriages without a period in between.

MC History: Issues (if any): Action Plan for next TTC cycle (ie Baby Aspirin, progesterone, etc): I’ve had 1 healthy pregnancy and 1 miscarriage. I’m not going to do anything differently next cycle since the doctor thinks it was just a complication of twins. I plan on using opks and mucinex again. If I miscarry again I’ll ask about aspirin and progesterone

What are your biggest challenges right now? Two things. First I am dealing with guilt. I never wanted twins in my life so when I found out they were twins I can’t say I was thrilled. BUT I never wanted them to die. I sometimes have irrational thoughts that they could sense my fear and felt like I didn’t love them and that somehow caused me to lose them. I know that’s ridiculous but I can’t help but feel that way sometimes. 

The other thing that sucks is that I would have been 11 weeks along right now so all of a sudden my Facebook feed is filling up with other people announcing pregancies with due dates right around mine. I’m sure there will be more in upcoming weeks. I might need to take Facebook vacation. 

Post # 72
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

 

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Lex922:  Welcome, sounds like a rough journey, but you’re making progress. 

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Frohike:  welcome, I feel a bit in limbo too, was pregnant in dec and march, now I can’t do anything until after my follow up appointment at the end of May.  I hear you on getting back in to exercise and eating well, my 5 weeks of morning sickness was carb heaven with little movement!

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TigerLily13:  Welcome, the twins thing is hard to digest.  We didn’t find out it was twins until the first ultrasound at 9 weeks, and they had stopped going at 8w6d, so I had to digest the fact it was twins and the loss of them at the same time.  I too would have been about 11 weeks, and some days i feel pretty frustrated seeing pregnant women around or baby stuff.  My doc said don’t try again until after the follow up at 6 weeks post d&c.  I’ve read a bit about it’s good to have one cycle to shed and build the lining properly.  After my first mc (natural) I tried right away, but didn’t get pregnant until after my first period, I have heard you’re more fertile in the months following though. 

I’m finding this waiting portion before being able to try again really hard.  it’s like i’ve already spent the last 6 months being pregnant/not pregnant, I just want to move forward and start again!

Post # 73
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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Lex922:  Welcome, and I’m so sorry for your losses. I shared a due date with my SIL, too. It is super, super tough at times. I’m happy to hear that you and your DH are on the road to better fertility though! I hope your rainbow baby gets here really soon. 

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Frohike:  I’m so sorry for your losses – both of baby and rightie. (I love that you call it “rightie” though!) Being in that limbo stage is really tough. I have to say, I felt a lot of relief when I finally got my period after my d&c. Wine definitely helps! The self-pity fades in and out, for me at least. But it all definitely gets better. I think that limbo phase is the worst, and it will pass. 

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TigerLily13:  I’m so sorry for your losses. The limbo period is really awful – I know I felt a lot of relief when I finally got a BFN (ironic, right?) and then again when my period came. You likely will ovulate before your next period. I chart, and it looked like my cycle started up again a few days after I got a BFN – I ovulated 17 days later and got my period 12 or 13 days after that. From what I’ve read, it seems like there’s no medical reason to wait for your first period – conceiving again right away doesn’t have a higher risk of miscarriage – but doctors like you to wait for your first period for dating purposes. (If they don’t know when you conceived, it will be harder for them to tell if your baby’s growth is behind schedule, etc.) Also, please don’t feel guilty – nothing you did or could have done caused the miscarriage. If we could cause miscarriages with our thoughts, no one would ever need an abortion! The pregnancy announcements are rough. A Facebook break might not be a bad idea. 

Post # 74
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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KatieBklyn:  Thank you! I’m sorry for your loss as well. It’s nice to have someone who understands the SIL situation. The jealousy makes me feel sick to my stomach sometimes!

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Frohike:  So sorry for your losses. That must have been such a scary experience. I can really relate to all the fear/jealousy that you talked about. Wishing we started earlier too and kicking myself for trying to be responsible! (I’m 33, quickly aproaching 34).  And I’m afraid of everything, I even get afraid to let myself feel positive or optimistic about next time!

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TigerLily13:  I’m so sorry for the loss of your twins. I agree the limbo period sucks. I think some women ovulate before the 1st period and others may not – I don’t think I did (was not charting though), although my period came exactly 4 weeks later both times. I’ve also read/heard conflicting reports about how long to wait to TTC again. I’ve heard there’s no medical reason to wait, to wait 1 cycle, and that you should wait 3 cycles. 3 cycles seems like torture to me though! I forced myself to get off facebook until I was feeling stronger after my MCs – the pregnancy announcements and baby pics were too hard (and still are!). 

Post # 75
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2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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Lex922:  Yeah, the jealousy is really, really rough. I had a conversation with my brother a few weeks ago where he was like, “I feel like I can’t talk to you about the baby without you getting upset,” even though I felt like I was really overcompensating and trying to be *extra* happy for them and not let any jealousy seep through to their faces. So now I’m even more like “omg how’s it going? How’s pregnancy? How’s the baby? Here, let me buy you some stuff!” to make up for it. 

Our parents are not exactly helping the situation, either. They aren’t great with dealing with sad things in general, and I feel like there’s just this expectation that I need to suck it up and not rain all over my brother and SIL’s parade. And it’s not like I want to rain on their parade, but… I wouldn’t mind if everyone could just acknowledge that it really, really sucks for me. Instead, it feels like everyone just feels like it sucks that they can’t barf their joy all over the place. I’m like, “wow, I’m sorry that the worst thing that ever happened to me is inconveniencing you so much.” 

Oy, families. 

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