(Closed) Journey of TTC after miscarriage part 5

posted 8 years ago in TTC
Post # 76
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1327 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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4littlekitties:  I will keep your Mother-In-Law and sister in my prayers.   Sorry you are having such a hard time right now on top of the MC stuff and body playing tricks on you.   

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Lex922:  Thanks.  I’m  feeling better now.  Looking to the future instead of thinking about what went wrong and why me.  Though I still get those feeling sometimes too. Hoping you will get your rainbow baby soon. 

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Frohike:  Welcome and sorry for your loss. 

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TigerLily13:  Welcome and sorry for the loss or your twins.  Please don’t blame yourself.  I too feel like I was not excited enough with this baby since is would have been my second and that is why it died but of course that is totally irrational.  Yes, I think a FB break is needed. 

AFM – Today I’m feeling better.  No bleeding in the past 2 days and my energy has seemed to increase.  I have decided to wait till July to TTC and looking forward to the time in between.  We have some fun trips coming up to occupy the time.  I’m going to start charting tomorrow to see what is going on with my body and to get used to charting again. I have not done it in 2 years so it will take some practice I’m sure.  

Post # 77
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7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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KatieBklyn:  Ugh, it’s such a hard thing for others to understand if they haven’t gone through it! And understanding that happy and sad can exist at the same time, within the same person and within the same family. And both things deserve to be equally acknowledged. I find myself over compensating as well, trying to act happy while on the inside I have a big knot in my stomach. My brother tries to be sensitive but he forgets or doesn’t realize what he’s saying sometimes. With my first MC I shared a due date with my best friend, and she said some hurtful things and then pretty much disappeared….like she said she was relieved I hadn’t called her after my MC b/c she didn’t want to have to feel bad about being pregnant, and she told me that it was really hard for her to hear about my miscarriages while she was pregnant. Each comment felt like a stab in my heart! Our friendship hasn’t quite recovered from that.

 

Post # 78
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2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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Lex922:  Wow. I am not surprised your friendship hasn’t recovered from that… Insensitive doesn’t even begin to describe it. 

Ditto completely to understanding that happy and sad can exist at the same time. I really am happy for them, happy to have a new nephew, happy for all of that! But it is so hard not to look at them and be like, I should be there, too. 

Post # 79
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62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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banana330:  
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KatieBklyn: 
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Lex922:  
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desertgirl:  Thanks everyone for your kind words, they really mean a lot to me. It’s nice to have an online community of support like this when you don’t always feel like talking to people in real life. 

Anyone else excited it is May now? I love a new month, feels like a fresh start. I’m going to TRY and focus on some other areas of my life besides TTC. I know that’s a little hard though cause it’s always on my mind. As soon as I woke up today I felt compelled to POAS and i only got the faintest line so I’m pretty excited that my hcg is dropping off. I’m thinking I’ll test again this weekend and hopefully get a negative. 

Post # 80
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

Thank you ladies for the welcome and the kind words. im trying to figure out how to reply on the iPad to more than one person without losing my post again 🙁

just had my follow up with the doc, he says all looks good and I’m free from diet and exercise and BD restrictions…so that’s a good thing. Came home and made myself my first green smoothie since I was told to 86 folic acid…poor vitamix was getting dusty.

he says I should get my period 4-6 weeks after the surgery, so in the next 2 1/2 to 5 I guess…c’mon AF!! It is so strange that on this board it’s like we are all anxiously awaiting AF because it means we can at least start to move forward.

He said the mtx is out of my system, but wait 6-8 weeks before trying again to let everything settle post surgery…sooooo WINE! Kidding. A little. 

Really though, I think that’s a good thing. Let the dust settle. Even though he says the mtx is gone and not an issue, dr. Google scares me a bit on that front, so a little wait is good. And I’m scared of having a second ectopic, so this is some time for emotional dust to settle…and get back on the exercise and diet train.

welcome to the new faces after me, and I’m sorry. 

Post # 81
Member
1673 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m feeling bummed. Just got a BFN at 9 dpo. I know that is still early, but I compare everything to last time. Last time I got  my BFP at 9 DPO. Last time we only tried 1 cycle. Last time I ovulated on CD 14… like always. Last time everything went splendidly except for the fact that it ended in a MC. Now, over 4 months later, my cycles are different than they have ever been in my life, I ovulate whenever, and despite perfect timing no BFP. I feel like I’m regressing. It took over 2 months for all the Hcg hormones to go away and even have the possibility of trying. I was feeling better for awhile, like I could put it behind me and move on. But now every failed cycle just puts me back in that dark place.

Post # 82
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2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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GrannyPantiesRock:  Oh man. Boo for the BFN. You know 9 dpo is still early, etc, but… yeah that sucks. I am totally with you on every failed cycle just knocks me back down. I really was feeling much better for a while and now it’s like I’m almost back to where I started. 

I’m trying to be a little more relaxed about this cycle – not because I think relaxing will help, but because I just can’t sustain this level of anxiety/disappointment anymore. It’s just too much.

I’m trying to find a place of acceptance – like, thinking about how most people do get pregnant eventually and even if we can’t get pregnant, we will figure out another way to be happy and fulfilled. DH and I are fantasizing about things we can do if we don’t have to worry about raising kids – we can move to New Orleans if we don’t have to worry about “good” school districts, I can quit my day job and do something more creative if I don’t have a kid who needs stability and great health insurance… whatever happens, we’ll be okay.

But it’s easy for me to think this way when I’m pre-ovulation. It’s the TWW where I really go batshit. 

I really hope tomorrow morning brings you a BFP. 

Post # 83
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1673 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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KatieBklyn:  I definitely feel a difference in the end part of the TWW. Just as AF ends I start to not totally hate my life. Then it’s the fertile window. “Fuckmefuckmefuckme. I don’t care if you don’t want to do it again. Doesn’t it bother you if we have another childless month because you didn’t feel like doing it tonight? Yes, I told you I was fertile last week, but I thought I was supposed to ovulate on day 14 but it doesn’t happen until day 18 now.” Then I feel ok during the beginning of the TWW. Especially when we time things right. I start to get more and more optimistic. Then comes 7 dpo until the end and it’s the worst. I feel more and more despair with each FRER. I’m so sick of this.

Post # 84
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

So, out of curiosity I took a test on sat morning 2.5 weeks post D&C.  It was negative after 5 min, but did have a faint line a few hours later.  I’m taking that as most of the HCG is out of my system after the D&C and hopefully my cycle is returning soon.  I’m surprised it’s dropping so quickly, I swear I read lots of people not getting neg until 4 weeks or so. 

I am supposed to wait until after my follow up appointment in 3 weeks.  I really don’t want to.  My DH is adament we will wait and says it’s for my health and to see what the doctor says and testing they decide to do. 

Anyone else feel like the whole process is a hurry up an wait thing? The whole wait between cycles, tww, and even when you are pregnant feeling like you can’t/don’t want to tell people until things stick. 

Another woman at my work, just lost her twins at 20 weeks.  Sometimes I feel like you’re never safe, and there’s always a risk.  I get unfairly frustrated by the naivety that newly pregnant women feel.  I guess cause I know I can never feel like that again, that I’m more acutely aware of the risk and that it really does happen. 

 

Post # 85
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2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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banana330:  Yes, there is so much hurry up and wait! It’s incredibly frustrating. But also true that you’re never really “safe” – I mean, even after your baby is here, there are all kinds of horrible things that could happen. Thinking about that can be so scary, but I think it’s also a good reminder to be mindful and enjoy things while they’re here… nothing is really promised, you know? I wish I’d spent more of my pregnancy just feeling joyful in the moment rather than just focusing on the next milestone ahead. In the end, none of the worrying did any good, and I know it couldn’t possibly have hurt any more than it did – so it’s not like it would have been worse if I had just allowed myself to enjoy being pregnant. 

AFM, I’m really trying to focus on being mindful now. It’s not easy, but I think it’s helping. I’m heading towards my fertile window and I’m trying not to have a “plan” per se – I’m not taking OPKs, not saying to my husband “we have to have sex tonight!” – and it is so much easier on both of us. Last night, we started getting it on and he was like, “Are you ovulating?” and I was like, “Not sure, I’m not really paying attention this month… let’s just have sex when we feel like it and hope for the best” and he totally relaxed. It just changed the whole experience. 

I’m just like… we may be in this for the long haul, so I should try not to put so much pressure on myself about getting the results and instead just try to enjoy the journey. I’m in love, I’m relatively young and healthy, we’re moving in to a great new apartment that actually makes us feel like grownups instead of broke-ass twenty-somethings – and last night, I got to have rare roast beef and a beer. I’m not pregnant and I would like to be, but there are things to be grateful for right now. 

Please remind me of all of this in a couple of weeks when I’m tearing my hair out trying not to POAS at 4 dpo! Haha. 

Post # 86
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2402 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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GrannyPantiesRock:  Just saw your last post there as I’m catching up. I’m now 5 cycles past my mc and still everything is all over the place. Before they were 29 days every month and since the mc I’ve had 33, 32, 32, 26 and now 35 (and counting!). While this doesn’t do much to reassure, it does show that it’s ‘normal’. I hope everything goes back to normal for both of us soon (or we get BFPs!)

Post # 87
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2402 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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banana330:  That sounds positive. Hopefully you’ll get AF in the next couple of weeks. I got it within 2 weeks of hcg dropping. I know what you mean about never feeling safe. I found out my friend is pregnant today. She decided to tell people after she had an early scan. She’s 9.5 weeks. I had my mc at 10 weeks and had already seen the hb so I’m surprised that she thinks she’s safe!

Post # 88
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

KatieBklyn:  I get the mindful thing, I was much more relaxed when I was pregnant and made it past the first miscarriage timeline, plus I had terrible morning sickness, so i was convinced everything was going ok.  Next time, I’m sure I’ll try to relax but doubt it will ever leave the back of my mind. 

I think what’s hard right now is we’re preventing until my appointment, which just feels like a massive step back.  If we could be spontainous and just not worry about timing then i think it would be more fun!

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phoebephoebo:  Good to know.  I cringe when I hear people do that, not that they shouldn’t feel safe but after what we’ve been through it’s hard to. 

Post # 89
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1327 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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banana330:  Yeah, I hate the waiting part too.  My follow up is next Monday so I’ll see what the doctor says.  Before he said that I should get my AF 4-6 weeks after the D&C and then we can TTC in June.  I’m going to wait untill July I think.  My whole pregnancy did not look good and I was worried all the time so this time of waiting is kind of nice too.  Mixed emotions for sure though!!   

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KatieBklyn:  Glad that your more relaxed approach is working for you and your husband.  Maybe that will help to get a BFP.  You always hear how people get pregnant once they stopped trying so hard.  Good luck in your new apartment.

AFM: My follow up appt in next Monday.  I’m guessing I will get the all clear.  Depending on my cycle I might start TTC in June but most likely it will be July.  That sounds so far away but time always flys so I’m sure it will be here fast hopefully.  I started tracking my cycle.  Here is my link. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/desertgirl 

Post # 90
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

Roll call:

Status (MC cycle/rest cycle/TTC cycle): My miscarriage started on friday, I ended up in ER cause I was loosing much blood (I was teaching when it happened, so I not have a lot of traumatised students now).

MC History: I was 10 w 5 days when it happened. It was my first pregnancy, but it took us only 2 months before I got pregnant.

Issues (if any): I don’t know. They did an ultrasound friday, the placenta was all gone but DH saw our little bean still there (with no heartbeat, of course). So I don’t know if the baby is still inside me or not. I still have cramps (is that normal?) and heavy bleeding. For now I don’t know if there are issues.

 

What are your biggest challenges right now? Go to work everyday and answer my teenagers students questions about what happened. My main challenge is to try to comfort people around me. I have the feeling they are sadder than me when I’m trying to tell myself that life goes on.

Current coping strategies/favourite inspirational quotes: There’s one sad song that makes me cry and think about that episode, it is the song Queen Jane from the movie Inside Llewin Davis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KnlEuOqF0o But that’s not really coping I guess. I try to think about the things I will be able to enjoy this summer if I’m not pregnant.

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