(Closed) Journey of TTC after miscarriage part 6

posted 5 years ago in TTC
Post # 212
Member
4675 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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4littlekitties:  I’m sorry that you’re going through this again.    I can’t imagine going through so many MC’s.  Stay strong girl and FX you get your sticky bean soon! 

Post # 213
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4675 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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SaltedCaramel:  I thought about telling my mom, but after I thought I was over my ‘grief’ I decided it would be pointless.  I still might tell her if I get the right opportunity, or find myself too emotional tomorrow.  I hope you find the peace you need over Christmas.  

Post # 214
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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SaltedCaramel:  Oh she knows. She just doesn’t always think before she speaks. 🙂

4littlekitties:  I’m so sorry to hear your update. Do you have the okay from the doctor to still go on your trip?

Post # 215
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1831 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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4littlekitties:  Oh what the fuck?!?!?!? I just want to scream at the universe. How can women who want nothing more than to be mothers endure this same awful thing over and over again??? I don’t understand. It’s making me bitter. I know we must be having similar feelings about the holiday and where we are now versus last year. I’m just thankful I didn’t know then what was in store for me. I’m glad that everything was over relatively quickly for you, and I hope that you’re able to find some enjoyment in your trip to PR if you decide to go. I’ll be thinking of you.

Post # 216
Member
2089 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I know I haven’t been active on this thread much but I’m so sorry to see so many new faces here and of course seeing the familiar ones return. 

auggiefrog:  MusiqueEstVie:  PenelopeQ: SaltedCaramel:  

4littlekitties:  I am so so sorry that you’re going through this again. This is utterly unfair and I’m just so mad for you.  Take care of yourself. 

Wishing everyone a peaceful holiday season spent with the ones you love. Xoxo 

Post # 217
Member
764 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Thanks for the support, everyone. 

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alove31:  I do have the all-clear for the trip, and our flight is at 6:40 tomorrow morning (yuck). The only thing I have top watch out for is excessive bleeding, but in passing a lot of tissue and clots, so hopefully it will clear itself out.

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GrannyPantiesRock:  I do feel bitter, and between the miscarriages and everything that’s happened over the last year, I don’t feel like the same person. I don’t care about my job at all. At all, and it’s a good job with good people.  I was supposed to be a stay-at-home mom by now, so I’m like fuck it, we’d actually save moneu if I quit now, since we don’t have a baby to take care of. Darling Husband doesn’t agree. I know I need to find a therapist for all of this, iincluding help with how to decide when to call it quits.

Post # 218
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

http://www.weddingbee.com/members/auggiefrog/:

I also feel that my body has betrayed and after three miscarriages, I just sometimes feel that I am broken and I am dissapointment to my family. That’s how the pity party usually starts! Now everytime that I start thinking about how useless my utherus seems to be, I just repeat myself: there has to be something wrong with me but now I know i it, so the doctor has to find a way to fucking fix it!

We will have our babies, somehow in some way we WILL have our babies! 

Post # 219
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

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SaltedCaramel:  I am so sorry that you have to go through this. My first pregnancy was also a missed miscarriage that I found out at 10 weeks but the baby stopped developing after 6 weeks. I also got an D&C. Try to rest and time your time to grieve. I had to move to a new state because of a job and between the move and the job, I didn’t grieve properly. I had to go lock myself in job’s bathroom to cry. I wish you a speedy recovery from the surgery and I am here if you need to vent. 

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Kay1126:  thanks for the welcome! I was also asked yesterday when I was having a baby. I lied and said that after spending two days in a cabin with a couple of toddlers, I got scared. So that lady who has a couple of teenagers started telling “oh that’s ok you are still young blah blah blah”.In my head I was saying if you only knew that they only thing I really want is to have a baby with my husband who I adore! 

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4littlekitties:  I am so so sorry for your loss! Try to enjoy your vacation as much as you can. Are you going to a fertility specialist? 

Post # 220
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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SaltedCaramel:  I’m sorry you’ve found yourself here. Your story is very similar to mine, in regards to the timing of everything and the 1 good ultrasound. I felt like I was never going to feel better about things. What helped me was taking a few months off. I had my D&C in the beginning of September and am just back to TTC now, but obviously everyone is different. Just take it one day at a time. There’s no denying that it sucks, and I hope you and your Darling Husband can lean on each other and will get your rainbow baby when the time is right.

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4littlekitties:  Fuck. I’ve been silently stalking the other thread to check on updates from you and andthepupmakes3. It sounds so redundant, but all I can say is I am so sorry you’re here again. I hope you’re able to regroup a bit on your trip. I also hope you’re able to find a therapist that can help you sort through your emotions. I’m so sorry.

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PenelopeQ:  I hear you. I find myself fibbing all the time to avoid further questions. I just say Darling Husband and I wanted to focus on finding a house and making it perfect before starting a family. In reality, the house we just moved into was found as a result of us beginning to house hunt when we found out I was pregnant in July. It kills me sometimes. Nosy people just get BS out of me and that’s okay. One day you will have that baby will your awesome husband and people will ask when #2 is on the way. You can never win!

Post # 221
Member
1534 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

alove31: That sounds so annoying!!!

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MrsBananas:  Thank you.

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PenelopeQ:  
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Kay1126:  Thanks ladies.  I feel like finding out at 10 weeks about the MMC was so hard– I wish there was a way to know right away, so I wouldn’t have gone so long thinking that everything is fine.  I have a f/u appointment after New Year’s and plan to ask about monitoring the next time I get PG.  Right now we are talking about waiting one cycle (per OB’s recommendation) but then trying right away.  We just feel ready to be parents, and as much as this sucks, I don’t think that waiting longer would be helpful to me… I feel like it would just make me bitter.  We’ll see though, it’s still very fresh.

 

How was everyone’s Christmas?  We met my BFF’s brand new baby on Christmas Eve (he was born 12/23).  I was nervous that the visit would be really hard for both Darling Husband and I, but we both ended up feeling like it was positive.  We are so excited for them, even though we are obviously very sad for ourselves… Darling Husband was saying that it felt like a nice reminder that healthy babies are born.

We spent the rest of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family.  I felt better than expected when there was stuff going on (like lots of conversation) but very sad in quiet moments, like when we went for a walk, etc.  I’m sure that’s to be expected.  My mom was very focused on telling me that I’m young, have lots of time, will have healthy pregnancies/babies in the future…. which I do have faith in, but it doesn’t mean I’m not sad that this one isn’t going to be. 

Today I had to come back to work, and I thought I looked okay, but a coworker told me that I look sad…. they only know that I was out sick for a few days.  I’m guessing things will continue to feel up and down for awhile.

It’s so weird to be undoing all of the plans…. things that Darling Husband and I talked about, and things that I just thought about myself.  I had also been spending lots of free time researching baby gear, nursery decor, etc, so I kind of feel like I don’t know what to do with myself these days.  I’m also so frustrated and pissed that I got to 10 weeks and now have to start all over… all of the morning sickness, not fitting into clothes, not telling people, being exhausted, worrying that something would go wrong.  I was almost to the point where we were going to go public, and now we’re back to square one. 

 

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Post # 222
Member
4675 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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SaltedCaramel:  I feel you on the empty feeling.  After I found out I was probably going to miscarry I was just at a loss to do anything.  I got pretty depressed, and I think I might have just surpressed the feeling because of Christmas.  Although I hope we get pregnant again quickly, I’m in dread of those first few weeks, even the first trimester.  I know I’m going to be a nervous wreak that it will happen again.  

Christmas eve was hard on me.  We were with my IL’s, who were partially driving me crazy.  I privately cried a few times, it was the first time I’ve really cried since before I actually miscarried.  We drove to my parent’s house late Christmas eve night and I eventually told my mom about the MC.   She offered me some comfort.  I got through Christmas with my family a lot better than I did the day before.  I think it helped being around people that I trusted and weren’t driving me nuts.  

For those of you on your MC cylce, or on a break cycle, are you doing anything to prepare for TTC again?  I’m planning on trying to lose some weight.  I got a nutribullet for Christmas and I want to do some juicing.  DH and I talked about eating better.  Now that I’m mostly done with school I’m going to try to work out more.  I also want to work on boosting my CM. It’s going to be hard going back to TTC mode.  I was so happy when I was done with it, and now I’m being thrown back in it again.  

Post # 223
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

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auggiefrog:  I’m sorry that the IL’s were driving you crazy. I have a very intense mother-in-law and she can drive me totally crazy. i’m glad you found some comfort with your family on Christmas.

I also want to lose some weight. The thing is that I lost some weight while on metformin and for months I was eating low carb, almost no sugar, no soda, no processed food. And guess what… I still had another miscarriage! So I have been in a non healthy-eating a lot of bread binge! and chocolate! So I need to start taking care of myself if we are going to try next cycle. I need to focus on the things that I can control like my diet, exercising every day, taking my vitamins, trying to relax and enjoy life. There are some days that I don’t even recognize myself, most of times I can only think about either TTC or the miscarriages. It’s exhausting!

 

 

Post # 224
Member
515 posts
Busy bee

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4littlekitties:  I’ve been checking in and rooting for you since you first shared some words of wisdom with me back in July. This just totally fucking sucks, and I am so sorry. I’m thinking of you. 

Post # 225
Member
959 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I took a break for about a week. Heading into the holidays I tried to be as stress free and I had to detach myself from my own little world for a bit. I am so, so sad to see some familiar faces here 🙁 I just don’t get why some of us have to have reoccurring mcs and why we don’t get what we deserve. I am also sorry that those of you who made it further along had to suffer. I was in that same boat my first mc. It’s hard to readjust to thinking that you are no longer pregnant and you were suppose to be X amount of weeks along by now. I am so, so sorry.

Darling Husband and I talked some before Christmas about how this year went. We are hopefully going to have a better year. I mentioned that as January gets closer my emotions are getting harder to control about my mc. He told me that he saw I had changed and he didn’t think I would ever be the same. I don’t quite know how to feel about this… I tried to tell him that it will always be different for me, he doesn’t feel the same things I feel. It is impossible for him to feel what I felt and still feel. We talked about if we were going to stay in this same town that we just TTC again, as we both felt better and were healing during that.

Then I brought up that when we got pregnant again, one of the first things he said was, “Oh, I guess we can’t move in May now.” I told him it still sits with me that he was disappointed we got pregnant again. While he was happy after that, I guess he was looking forward to moving. But we still don’t know what we want to do. Move or stay. Not TTC or TTC. He asked me what I wanted to do. I have no efing idea. Some days I want to TTC and have my rainbow. Some days I want to move, start over fresh, and wait a year to TTC again. I’m just worried that if I haven’t gotten one to stick yet then what happens the older I get. Ugh, just so many fears and it’s so hard to talk about it because I start crying :\

Also, as far as what I’ve been doing to prepare again: I have lost a lot of weight over this year, and I will continue to try to lose 10lbs plus whatever holiday weight I put on. I give myself a breather this week because I don’t ever snack and eat the way I do during Christmas. I have lost (pre-Christmas candy buffets) 34lbs since late Feb/early March. I sometimes remember to take my prenatal. I should still do that since it’s great for my vegetarian self. 

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