- 8 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013
Hello everyone. As some have mentioned, this thread seems quiet, which I know is a good thing, but I’m joining and hoping to find and give some support from bees facing the same difficulties as me. I’m glad to see a lot of you ladies have moved on to the POAS/mommy threads and I am so happy for you. I recognize a lot of you as fellow posters from other TTC and pregnancy threads that I participated in. I’ve already told my story on some other posts, but I’ll rehash it here. After getting my BFP on our first cycle trying, I had a miscarriage on Christmas morning. We went for our first ultrasound 2 days earlier at nealy 9 weeks and there was no heartbeat. The baby only measured a few days behind, so the demise was recent. The memory of the ultrasound is itself traumatic. The tech seemed to be taking too long, and I was starting to worry. That feeling momentarily vanished as the baby came into view. I smiled and let out a sigh of relief. I clearly saw the head, nose, arms, legs, and the umbilical cord. Just as I was about to say something to my husband, the tech said she was sorry to break the news, but there was no heartbeat. She asked if I wanted the doctor to look (yes! duh) and left the wand in place while she went to find the OB. When they returned, they turned the scrren away and quickly confirmed that it was a miscarriage. We were then escourted to another room where we waited an hour before the doctor came in and presented our options. I was told I could wait up to 4 weeks or induce a miscarriage and “pass the pregnancy” by taking cytotec. Initially I didn’t know what to do. I went home and googled all of this stuff about misdiagnosed miscarriages and decided to call back after the holiday and request a repeat scan just to be sure. However, after going to work the following day, I felt like I just couldn’t stand carrying around a deceased baby, so I administered the pills and miscarried Christmas morning. I still don’t know if I made the right decision. I have a repeat ultrasound scheduled for Monday to make sure everything passed and to rule out the need for a D&C.
Other than my mother and a sibiling, no one knew about the pregnancy. The afternoon before the appoinment, we bought all of these baby gifts to make the announcement to DH’s family and my dad and grandparents. So we spent Christmas Eve returning those. We opted to skip the Christmas festivities anyway since I just couldn’t bear it. We told everyone I had a GI bug, and were promptly greeted with a call from my step-mother (who I hate) telling me that I should take a pregnancy test since that might be why I was feeling sick. UGH.
I think this has been one of the most sad and isolating experiences of my life. I guess that’s why I keep finding myself reaching out to internet strangers going through the same thing. Because in reality, only another woman with a similar experience can understand. I know DH is sad, but I feel like his sadness is more of a disappoinment. I don’t feel like it’s possible for a man to actually grieve for the little life that was lost because they don’t know it. At least not in the same way. He can’t understand the emptiness of not having that little person growing inside of you anymore.
So now I’m just waiting for the results of my next ultrasound and then for my next AF so we can begin again. I take some comfort knowing we conceived so fast, I cannot even imagine what this is like for people who take months or years to conceive and I hope that I don’t have to. I don’t want to suggest that I hope this thread becomes more active, because I don’t wish this to happen to anyone. But I hope that other ladies who find themselves in the middle of this awfulness will join so that we can get through this together.