Judgemental in-laws

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

PP’s kind of already said it all, but I wanted to repeate what one Bee said, your husband could talk to them alone about how it makes the two of you feel and that they don’t need to worry, because you’re budgeting everything and that, even if they don’t agree, you’re not interested in their opinion on the things you buy.

Post # 17
Member
7879 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

catattack1990 :  the key for us was to just find something we didn’t care about that grandparents could feel involved in. For us it was clothes – my Mother-In-Law wanted to babysit one day a week, but we decided full time daycare was better suited for us and to ask her to fill-in for sick days, date nights, etc. That didn’t feel like enough to her so she’s taken it upon herself to bargain shop for all of my daughter’s clothes. Since she gets great stuff and I don’t care that much about day-to-day play clothes I let her have it. 

Post # 18
Member
1930 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

catattack1990 :  I don’t know. I wouldn’t encourage the behavior by asking him to send you any links to any baby stuff. You already have a problem with them butting in, just imagine how much worse it could get if you seem at all receptive to it. I’d shut it down and when they send you something, say, “No, thank you, we’re going to decide on this on our own.” Then continue to ignore the rest. It’s absolutely ridiculous that they feel the need to at all be involved in your life expenses and finances. 

Post # 19
Member
1102 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

“FIL, what we do with our money is our business and only our business. We do not need or even want your opinion.”

And if that doesn’t work…..

”Butt the fuck out of our business.” and then go no contact for a couple months. You need boundaries and fast, especially if you’re having a kid. 

Post # 21
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

I feel like you’re getting really solid advice from everyone on this thread. I just wanted to add, my dads parents did the exact same thing to my mom and dad. They always chided my parents for spending too much on this or that in front of my siblings and I. My parents were very smart with their money and were able to afford things that to my grandparents seemed unnecessary or frivolous. But it was the lifestyle that my parents wanted and could afford. I believe they just stopped talking about finances as much as they could. If there was something they didn’t have to tell my grandparents about, they didn’t. You don’t have to cut off all communication with them. Just set boundaries and try not to let it damage the relationship. 

Post # 22
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Butting in is the way they operate until you stop allowing them to butt in. Set some boundaries. Stop giving information or allowing discussion of anything connected with your finances. It will be good practice for not allowing them to butt into your parenting.

Going to polite to firm: “We’ve got it handled.” “Not a problem.” “That’s taken care of.” “I’d rather not discuss it.” “That’s personal.” “We’re not talking about money with you.”

Post # 23
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee

 

catattack1990 :  I 100% agree with knotyet. Give an inch and they will take a mile. It will be a green light for him to keep looking for deals for you both. Although it is a kind thought, I wouldn’t involve them in any purchases at all. Your money, your business.

It really is something that you need to make clear at the beginning. I found rules that we set out at the start of our marriage really hit home with the in-laws.

” Our finances and what we choose to spend money on is our business alone. We plan and budget. You need not have any fear of financial mismanagement. We have no opinions on your lifestyle and expenditures, please extend us the same courtesy.” Then change the subject. If you have to say it over and over then do so.

Post # 24
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee

I think mentioning bed bugs in used items is also good suggestion. ” Do you know how many thousands of dollars it costs to get rid of an infestation? We have no plan to waste that kind of money on something we can avoid. It is poor financial management to try and save $200.00 on a used dryer etc and get slapped with a 3-4 thousand dollar bill from a pest control company. No used furniture for us, ever. Now, how is grandma feeling?”

Post # 25
Member
7879 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I will just add to my example – my Mother-In-Law actually buys the clothes, doesn’t send me links to deals for me to get. That would drive me bonkers to be bombarded with “quick this store is having a sale! oooh oooh, look at this deal!”. 

Post # 26
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

desiderata :  agree!

 

ETA: I pressed send before I was ready. Oops. Yeah especially if theyre not tech savvy and look at prices and not quality 🤮

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