(Closed) judging other peoples financial situation (vent)

posted 7 years ago in Money
Post # 18
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I have a friend that does this. She wants me to make an expensive trip with her this fall, I told her I couldn’t afford it, and she’s all mad because she knows I “can” afford it.

Not every penny I earn is meant to be spent, I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck, I want to put money away for the future. I think “afford” means different things to different people. Just because the money is there doesn’t mean I have to light it on fire. Priorities.

Post # 19
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Kandiss16:  Agree!!  Not everyone has the same budget, and we all should just mind our own financial business!

Post # 21
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Kandiss16:  it is! haha – my SO always says ‘well, we can go to 5 dinners out – or we can go to berlin this weekend, it’s the same price’ – and we always pick the trip! in other ways we’re super careful – we hardly ever eat out, don’t take the bus or own a car, i don’t buy many clothes etc, so we feel like if we can afford it, it’s an expense that’s worth it!

i should say tho – i’ve had the opposite (positive) experience too. a close friend of mine was getting married in jamaica and it was going to cost $$$ to go (with SO as well). Additionally, it was directly after graduation from our first degree and SO and I had planned a 4 month trip to southeast asia (which we paid for ourselves), the wedding was in the middle. we agonized over the decision and decided not to go, and to go ahead with our backpacking trip. we flew in for their engagement party and celebrated with them in other ways, but we never got any flack from that couple. they were thrilled for us to go on our trip, wished us well and there’s never been any bad feelings – if anything, we’re closer than ever, they came to visit us in europe this year! 

looking back, i appreciate how gracious she was, and how she never felt ‘entitled’ to that $$$ which had been earmarked for another trip. 

Post # 22
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

LOL I have the opposite problem where I am not judging other people but I am the one being judged. My Future Mother-In-Law tells me to get a job, often makes comments that we have no money and or we should be looking for free furniture on craigslist instead of buying new or bring free crap to our house that she finds. I insist that we are doing well financially and that I am looking for a job but won’t take one just for the sake of having a job but grad school is more important than working at Menards. FYI we are doing very well financially other than student debt and mortgage..no debt. She takes us out to dinner all the time because she thinks we are poor. I shouldn’t have to give her our taxes and bank records to prove that we aren’t.

Post # 23
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

Bank statements are PRIVATE. Everyone has different financial goals.

There are two things when it comes to money: ask from friends & family not and borrow not. If you borrow, you will never see them back unless you have a mutual  agreement and a timeline, with the risk of ruining relationships.

A cousin went snarky b-mode on me because I wouldn’t borrow her boyfriend $3000 for part of a downpayment on a second car that he wanted. Um, excuse me?! 3g? What am I? A bank? A sugar mama? I’ve lost respect for this relative of mine…. When I refused to lend her, she said I was treating her like dirt that you’d wipe off your shoes. (What kind of boyfriend would ask her girlfriend to solicit funds from her relatives?!)

Some people choose not to have kids for private reasons; I don’t think it’s fair to hear comments from parents-with-children judge on how DILDO families spend their money (Dual Income Little Dog Owners).

Post # 24
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@jessdoxy:  That sucks… I really do hate that for you! I’m in the same situation with graduate school and where people think I’m letting my FH support me because I’m lazy… even though I’m trying to better myself for our future…what they don’t know however is that I supported him through undergrad and worked two jobs and taking 19 credits to do so….And I’m looking at taking paid internships, just trying to find the right door to put my foot in!

 

On the plus side, for people who pay for our dinner because they think we’re poor! Yay free dinner! 🙂 Their loss!

Post # 25
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Kandiss16:  

I try my best not to judge and I definitely don’t count people’s money, but it’s human nature to judge a little bit, and I absolutely am fascinated, as I get to know people and see a little window into their lives, with how different people do and don’t spend their money and where they feel it’s important to spend and where it’s not.

Post # 26
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee

@Kandiss16:  Yes. I get judged for having nice jewelry and a Coach bag when I was unemployed for a year and a half and I get foodstamps. Except I’ve had all my nice jewelry for 12+ years and I got the Coach bag 8 years ago with birthday money my Dad sent me. It was the one and only time (since I became a parent) that I actually spent my birthday on me. And I had a decent job then too. Oh well, I don’t really care what people think. It is what it is.

Post # 27
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

A-freaking-MEN!

Apparently half my family thinks I make at least $10k more than I do. I wish. And while my parents never ask unless they need, when I’m happy to give, my brother likes to make little jabs at me about “making twice as much as him.”

I also get people at work telling me I’m “rich” and I can afford… anything. As if I don’t have anything else in mind for the rest of my paycheck.

I’ve taken to responding or just throwing into a conversation “Yup, rich. But you know there’s a big difference between getting rich and staying rich. You don’t stay rich by giving away/spending all your money!”

Post # 28
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ugh.  I hate this too.  The worst is when a bride b*tches about a Bridesmaid or Best Man saying that the Bridesmaid or Best Man goes out drinking or just bought a new phone so the Bridesmaid or Best Man should be able to afford the $300 dress and that the Bridesmaid or Best Man is being selfish if she choses otherwise.  Or that the BM/GM/guest has had X amount of time to save for the wedding, so said person should be able to afford to come/dress/tux and if they can’t they are clearly terrible people. 

The only time I will judge someone about their financial situation is if they complain about the amount of debt (CC and otherwise) they have then go out and buy an expesnive camera, digital piano, take lots of trips, etc.  I might also judge someone’s spending if I loan them money (though I haven’t come accross that issue yet).  But the rest of the time, if you say you can’t afford something, then I’ll take your word for it.  Seriously, unless you do someone’s taxes or they tell you every detail about their finances, then you have no way of knowing what their financial position is.

And even if the person can afford something, doesn’t mean they actually want to nor do they have to.  People have different financial priorities.  They might technically have money after paying all the necessary bills to attend a weekend bachelorette, but that money could easily be earmarked for something else (like a house or a vacation).  I certainly could afford a $300 dress but that doesn’t mean I want to spend that much on a dress for someone else’s wedding.  I have lots of other things I’d rather use my money on.

Post # 29
Member
2454 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Not going to lie, I judge people at the grocery store who are using food stamps or bridge cars or some other form of assistance, and then pull out their iPhones…  Like what the hell.  I understand that cells are basically necessities now.  But I really can’t see the justification of the iPhone when you’re struggling to pay for food.

But yes, I do agree.  I get it sometimes.  “You get a paycheck, you have savings, you can afford to come to my town and go out to [insert thing here]!”  Um, drinks/plays/concerts are expensive.  So is the gas to drive the hour and a half to you.  And I have better things to spend my money on, especially if I really don’t care about the activity or whatever.

I didn’t get my savings from spending it!

Post # 31
Member
2454 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@Kandiss16:  That’s true.  It’s wrong of me to assume.  And not being in their position or something similar, I don’t know what it’s like.

I did have a FB “friend” (old high school peer) who always complained how hard it was to live on government assistance… And, oh, guess what guys, I bought an iPhone with all my savings!  Um… I thought you were just complaining about barely having enough money for food…?

Unfortunately, I’m a terrible person and still judge.  I don’t say anything out loud to them.  I just silently judge.  Maybe that doesn’t make it better, but I can’t stop myself.

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