(Closed) Judgment from coworkers about having money.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Bee, I think you’ve got a legitimate gripe that people make judgey comments and broad generalizations about people who have big weddings. Heck even with uncomfortable coworkers it’s totally understandable that people have different ideas of what constitutes an acceptable wedding budget and it can get super uncomfortable when you’re outside the consensus. When I first started reading, I was totally feeling you because I’m planning a big 200 person hotel ballroom blowout, and one of my other young coworkers recently had a backyard, DIY heavy, mom-catered wedding. It’s been super uncomfortable a few times! However, no one has you up to a polygraph demanding this information. Stop giving it. If you talk in generalities and evade dollar amounts, people will get the idea and stop asking for specifics. If they demand to know that kind of information that’s a pretty hostile work environment. 

However, I agree with the PPs that you need to watch the humblebragging and entitled behavior. Everyone works hard. Just because you have the ideal results of working hard doesn’t make the person working 2 minimum wage jobs any less valuable. You are really young. You may have a shiny ring, a real job, and plans for the future, but no one has it all figured out at 21, so don’t be so quick to pat yourself on the back. 

Post # 47
Member
593 posts
Busy bee

Those people sound like they love to gossip and you got tricked into sharing sensitive info. People will talk about you no matter what. Don’t overshare in a professional setting.

Post # 48
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Looking through your past posts, there is a lot of hyperbole in this thread. 

Post # 49
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

hairstylist101 :  Listen, if you are 21 years old, working for a little over min wage, and sporting a 2 ct diamond, people are going to wonder.  It’s rude, but they will.  You need to do two things:

1) Keep out of the conversation.  I can’t believe someone asked your budget, but if that happens again just say you’d prefer not to say.  Just stay out of it as much as you can.  It sounds like your trying but are maybe struggling because in a small way you DO care if people think you are running up debt.  Maybe reflect on that.

2) Own your choices and hold your head high.  So people look twice because you have a big ring.  Whatever.  So people think your venue is fancy.  Fine.  Don’t justify it – you don’t have to make the excuse that you got a good deal or whatever.  Just say, “yeah, we’re really looking forward to it.”

There is nothing you can do that will stop people from speculating.  Just do your best to ignore it and don’t engage.

Post # 51
Member
6751 posts
Busy Beekeeper

It is inappropriate for people to ask about your personal finances and it’s inappropriate for you to answer. You and your Fiance should discuss what he’s comfortable with sharing regarding your joint finances–he may not want half the world knowing the wedding budget. I know I would be appalled if my Fiance shared that sort of information with people. (Insert mortgage info, etc. as well.)

Post # 52
Member
14964 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

cmbr :  oh wow, the past post about buying a house is particularly interesting. 

It seems like OP *want* people to think she/they “have money”.  I mean, in all honesty, 100k income between the two of you is not what I would really consider all that high.  But what is interesting is that you want to buy a house, but might not have the 20% down payment?  Yet could “afford” this ring?  I guess you prioritize the ring and wedding over the house downpayment, and are maybe trying to “show off” with this “huge” ring and expensive wedding like you “have money”?  All it really shows is that you are good at spending money.  30k wedding + 10k+ ring… man, if that was invested at age 21… the potential growth it could have.   

Post # 53
Member
3224 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

hairstylist101 :  in another thread you say that your Fiance would rather spend the money on a house than the wedding and you want a “real” wedding, but now you’re saying you’d rather elope and he’s the one insisting on a wedding. 

It doesn’t really matter what the truth is, but a piece of advice? Stop backtracking or twisting truths or whatever – not on the Bee, but IRL with coworkers. I bet that’s where a lot of your issues stem from. 

Also I totally agree – suggesting that people should just “actually work hard” so they can have as much money as your Fiance (which, 80k isn’t necessarily something to be throwing around like you’re the Trumps) is incredibly insulting. 

Post # 54
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I didn’t read all the comments but anyway. Stop sharing personal information. The wedding cost is none of their business. Sure some of their comments are rude but it may come from being such a young age and having an expensive-ish wedding, so when you give out information they don’t need to know, they will make assumptions. And really you all just need to stop talking about weddings so much at work. So simply: Ignore them and stop over sharing personal information

Post # 55
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I live a very comfortable lifestyle and stay at home with our children.  We were comfortable in our early 20s and more so now in our early 30s.  I just smile and change the conversation.  It’s rude (in my opinion) to discuss finances.  If someone comments on my jewelry or ask about our vacations or whatever, I just say things like “Oh, you like it? Me too! Got a great price” or “Oh yeah, it was beautiful there.  You should go!”  Like, basically just turn it back around on them.  Or you ask them about what they have on or where they went recently.  That way, it’s not about YOU and YOUR MONEY.. it’s an exchange between people equally.  Besides, money is nice, but it’s not everything.  If you’re very fortunate, practice generosity and humility… it helps.

Post # 56
Member
16 posts
Newbee

It actually sounds like you want them to know your fiance has money, so let me tell you this… if you are okay to flaunt then you need to be okay with criticism.  

Post # 57
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

garnobella :  she told coworkers she paid cash after a snide comment was made about how foolish it is to go into debt. So I can see how she over shared to defend herself.

OP there are plenty of people who concern themselves with what others have. Try some of the avoidance techniques suggested and if others persist in asking, maybe tell them outright that you think your finances are your private business.

You do not have to invite any of these people to your wedding. Invite only people who care about you and who you want there.

Post # 58
Member
2128 posts
Buzzing bee

Carolsays :  Why say anything though? Like seriously who cares, let them make the snide comment, but quickly jumping in with “we paid cash” only fans the flame. I think people who go into debt to pay for their rings are stupid. But if someone jumped in with “we paid cash with what we could afford” I’d find that seriously weird. Like, good-oh, do you want a clap? A pat on the back? 

pinkshoes :  All of this.

Post # 59
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

Why are you even telling your coworkers all of this? I’ve noticed the drama people have at work sometimes is brought upon themselves. Why are you discussing intimate details about your wedding to your coworkers? And your finances? Keep that to yourself! You brought all this drama upon yourself, you’re flashing around this ring, telling them how much the wedding is….holy cow, I don’t even tell my FRIENDS how much my wedding is!  It’s none of their business, unless they’re pulling out a checkbook and contributing they do not need to know how much you’re spending on your wedding. Also, if they’re not invited, why are you telling them WHERE you’re getting married? Why can’t you vaguely say ‘oh we are getting married in this city, details are still being ironed out’? 

Bee, I know you’re young but bragging about your fiance’s finances is classless. I know that’s harsh to say but it is, talking about the money you’re putting into your wedding, bragging about your real 2ct ring (because how else do they know it’s a diamond ring unless you told them), etc, isn’t okay. It’s frankly rude. Keep it vague, keep it classy about EVERYTHING pertaining to your life. You give them information, you’re adding fuel to the fire.

Post # 60
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

 

garnobella :  I agree with you that responding by saying that she was paying cash was not the best way to respond. But I do not always come up with the best response in the moment myself. The best answer might be a more aggressive approach. Something along the lines of “You do not know if I went into debt or not and it is none of your business anyway.” A lot of this prying can be avoided if we just forgot “politeness” and told people to F off. But this may not be that easy when you are 21 like the OP and trying to figure it out.

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