(Closed) Judgemental sister help

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would *politely* tell her she’s being a bit rude/condescending and it hurts your feelings (or bothers you). If you tell her nicely and she still doesn’t get the picture, then simply tell her that you can’t have negativity during this awesome planning process. Don’t let it turn into a huge argument, just stand firm. She’s your sister so I’m assuming this isn’t the first time you all have disagreed, so she’ll be okay in the end. 

I could understand if she were your Maid of Honor or chief bridesmaid (that position would allow her some input) but she declined…so her input should be nonexistent. 

I stress easily as well, but the best way I’ve found to manage it is to keep negativity at a minimum…otherwise I’d pull my hair out. 

Post # 3
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
katierattray:  I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Shut her out of the wedding planning, and only involve people who are going to be supportive. You don’t even need to tell her – just carry on planning without her.

It sounds like she is projecting her ideas onto your wedding. That’s not how it works. You do your wedding how you want, she can do it her way when it’s her wedding.

You can still have her as chief bridesmaid if you want. You don’t need to involve the chief bridesmaid in wedding planning at all, if you don’t want to.

Post # 4
10636 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

You’ve got two years to go, two years!    No need to run stuff by her for ages yet. In fact, as pp’s have said, no need to run it by anyone who is going to be pointlessly critical now or later. 

It may well get easier too, once you are formally engaged and have actual plans in place that you can inform her (rather than ask her) about. 

Post # 5
8454 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
katierattray:  Has she always been this way? If so, she will probably always be this way. What if you discussed your ideas with a friend or your fiance instead of this sister? She’s not likely to change, especially if this has been your family dynamic all along.

Post # 6
1465 posts
Bumble bee

Since your wedding is 3 years away you arent’ going to be able to get solid prices – just ballpark.  And PLEASE do not ask anyone to buy a dress for at least another 2+ years.

I planned both of my weddings as well as the weddings of all 4 daughters – 6 in total (their weddings were to their vision, but a gift from us).

Here is what I strongly recommend:

1.  Have a solid budget.  Not a “I think we can save 15000.00 over the next 2 years – a solid budget.  A savings account aside from your regular account and your emergency fund.

2.  Make a guest list.  You CANNOT make an accurage guest list 3 years out.  You don’t know who will be married or in a serious relationship, etc.  If you are doing this now you need to leave a decent amount of wiggle room in the list for additions.

3.  Find the venue.  Doing 1 and 2 leads you to 3.  Allocate 60% of your budget for all reception costs.  Once you know how much that is and how many people you want to invite then you can search for the appropriate venue.  

In all honesty, 3 years is way too far out to be making any firm plans.  No one is going to take planning seriously this far out.

Another thing to keep in mind is that this is your and FI’s job to plan this – you don’t get to decide that any of your girls have to help you with that.  If they volunteer that is great, but it isn’t their responsibility.

Your save the dates shouldn’t go out for another 2  years.

Post # 7
2618 posts
Sugar bee

Wait, you haven’t booked (or even found) a venue, don’t have an exact date, OR a deposit.  Yet you plan to send your save the dates out two years early as soon as you announce you’re engaged?  Maybe that’s why your sister is telling you that you’re doing everything wrong??

Post # 8
683 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

View original reply
katierattray:  This wasn’t any of my sisters, this was my Mother-In-Law, who questioned EVERYTHING and then had a strange reaction to everything as if every little unimportant detail was just the weirdest thing she had ever heard of. 

Anyway, how can you send Save the Dates when you don’t have a date set?  I wouldn’t say you are planning it wrong, but just think that is not necessary.

On the plus side, at least you are finding this out right now and your sister does NOT want to be involved, becaus as you said you do not need her negativity.  What gets to be a problem is people who insist on being involved yet continue to be negative and unhelpful.  This way, to hell with her, she can just be a guest.  Easier to ignore her that way.

Post # 12
1465 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
katierattray:  is your corrected date your wedding date?

Post # 14
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
katierattray:  Don’t ask her for help. Let her know that since she doesnt want to help, you’re going to ask someone else to be the “chief” bridesmaid (I assume thats like Maid of Honor). Then, send an invite and don’t ask anything else of her other than to show up. Lower your expectations and they won’t be ruined.

I get that it’s upsetting – my own sister wasnt very involved in my wedding process. She told me I was wasting money and a wedding was stupid, etc. I simply relied on my other bridesmaids to help me out more than my sister and it all turned out great! 🙂 

Post # 15
78 posts
Worker bee

I’m going through the same thing with my Future Sister-In-Law, so I can feel your pain. Unfortunately, if this is her personality, you’re going to have to grin and bear it. I’d advise not sharing every detail with her, because the last thing you need when planning a wedding is the additional stress and hurt that comes with having your ideas shot down. It’s your wedding, plan what you want. If other people don’t like it, tough. It’s not their day.

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