Post # 1
Going to try and make this short, bear with me.
My parents are not paying for my wedding, they cannot afford to. I had initially planned on doing small wedding that Fiance and I could afford on our own. His parents wanted a big wedding and offered to pay for entire thing. They asked us to keep it between us which I was glad of. My family is very weird about money and who owes who what. Also, I didn’t want FI’s sister to find out bc she had talked bad about her inlaws helping pay for some of her bro in laws wedding.
So wedding planning has been chugging along. My parents assume Fiance and I are paying for everything. I still want my mom to be involved in the planning bc i value her opinion yet I feel like I need to run most things by my Future Mother-In-Law as well without my mom getting suspicious as to why I am doing it. Future Mother-In-Law mentioned renting something and it threw my mother in to a tail spin. She says she wants to back off and let me do it on my own, but I need help. She still has no idea who is oaying but sometimes I find it so hard when I am trying to go a cheaper route and my mom constantly suggests spending more money when she isnt paying for anything.
My mom also mentions things like “Well your Future Mother-In-Law should really do you a nice rehearsal dinner bc she can afford it” it gets under my skin bc she has no idea they are paying for whole wedding so rehearsal dinner may not be extravagent which is fine with me. But if I tell my mom it will put my FIL’s in bad spot with their daughter and I feel like my parents will feel left out which I dont want to do.
It is just the comments my mom makes sometimes along with wedding stress that I just do not know how to handle without spilling the beans!
What would you do?
Post # 2
I always felt it best to be honest with the parents about who was covering what. I thought transparency was the best approach because as you alluded to, whoever pays gets a say. There is already likely to be tension between the sets of parents during the wedding planning process, and clearing up who is paying for what may help alleviate some of that tension especially from your mother’s perspective. I know you mentioned that his parents have asked to keep it between you, but would they understand if you told your parents? If your parents are weird about money, what is the worst that could happen if they knew?
Post # 3
If you are determined to keep the funding a secret from your parents, then you need to learn how to handle your Mom’s comments. Your response should be the same as to anyone else who makes an unwanted suggestion.
“Thanks for the suggestion, but we have already made our decision to have a more casual RD”.
“That’s a great idea. We’ll take it into consideration when we make our decision”.
Post # 4
Ideally, honesty with your mom would be easiest, but if it goes against your FMIL’s wishes, then here ar some ideas:
I find it so hard when I am trying to go a cheaper route and my mom constantly suggests spending more money when she isnt paying for anything. Just tell her you are trying to stick to a reasonable budget.
I need to run most things by my Future Mother-In-Law as well without my mom getting suspicious as to why I am doing it. It’s FI’s wedding too, so I want to keep his family involved.
My mom also mentions things like “Well your Future Mother-In-Law should really do you a nice rehearsal dinner bc she can afford it” We’re still deciding what style of Rehearsal Dinner we’d like to have. We might keep it casual.
Post # 5
+1 – when she suggests something out of budget just say you’ll consider it or tell her it’s more than your budget.
Her making comments about what your ILs can afford is inappreopriate. I’d shut that down explicitly.
Post # 6
It’s kind of a hard situation because yes, her comments are inappropriate but at the same time, your Future In-Laws saying to keep it a secret from your parents is kind of rude as well. I can see not telling other people, but your parents? Sooner or later it will come out, and probably won’t be pretty. Especially if your parents, especially mom, thinks Future Mother-In-Law is getting a huge say and she isn’t and neither is “paying for it”. personally I’d tell Future Mother-In-Law “i understand you wanting to keep it between us, but I think I should tell my parents”. After all, they’re paying but it IS your wedding. And your parents.
Post # 7
but clarifying question: Why does this put your FI’s parents in a bad place w/ his sister? I’m not clear on that piece.
Even so, how does telling your parents mean that FI’s sister will know?
Post # 8
I am scared if I tell my parents my mom will just be completely hands off with the wedding and that is what I dont want to happen. I mean even when she says some rude comments, she is still my mom and I would like her to be involved. It is just how to handle it best.
Not telling the sister because she was so critical of her inlaws helping with her brother in laws wedding.
Post # 9
I would leave the sister out of it. But as for the parent thing, I still stick with what I said before. Cause sooner or later someone will find out or say something and it’ll get worse. It seems you have several choices. Tell your mom and let what happens happen. Tell your Father-In-Law thanks but you’re paying yourself and they can do the rehearsal dinner or something, or jut go with it. I don’t see any other options.