(Closed) Juggling who is paying for what in wedding. Stressed out.

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I always felt it best to be honest with the parents about who was covering what. I thought transparency was the best approach because as you alluded to, whoever pays gets a say. There is already likely to be tension between the sets of parents during the wedding planning process, and clearing up who is paying for what may help alleviate some of that tension especially from your mother’s perspective. I know you mentioned that his parents have asked to keep it between you, but would they understand if you told your parents? If your parents are weird about money, what is the worst that could happen if they knew?

Post # 3
47188 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

waitingintn:  If you are determined to keep the funding a secret from your parents, then you need to learn how to handle your Mom’s comments. Your response should be the same as to anyone else who makes an unwanted suggestion.

“Thanks for the suggestion, but we have already made our decision to have a more casual  RD”.

“That’s a great idea. We’ll take it into consideration when we make our decision”.

Post # 4
4509 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ideally, honesty with your mom would be easiest, but if it goes against your FMIL’s wishes, then here ar some ideas:

I find it so hard when I am trying to go a cheaper route and my mom constantly suggests spending more money when she isnt paying for anything. Just tell her you are trying to stick to a reasonable budget.

I need to run most things by my Future Mother-In-Law as well without my mom getting suspicious as to why I am doing it. It’s FI’s wedding too, so I want to keep his family involved.

My mom also mentions things like “Well your Future Mother-In-Law should really do you a nice rehearsal dinner bc she can afford it” We’re still deciding what style of Rehearsal Dinner we’d like to have. We might keep it casual.



Post # 5
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

julies1949:  +1 – when she suggests something out of budget just say you’ll consider it or tell her it’s more than your budget.

Her making comments about what your ILs can afford is inappreopriate.  I’d shut that down explicitly. 

Post # 6
1011 posts
Bumble bee

It’s kind of a hard situation because yes, her comments are inappropriate but at the same time, your Future In-Laws saying to keep it a secret from your parents is kind of rude as well. I can see not telling other people, but your parents? Sooner or later it will come out, and probably won’t be pretty. Especially if your parents, especially mom, thinks Future Mother-In-Law is getting a huge say and she isn’t and neither is “paying for it”. personally I’d tell Future Mother-In-Law “i understand you wanting to keep it between us, but I think I should tell my parents”. After all, they’re paying but it IS your wedding. And your parents. 

Post # 7
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

futuremrsc2016:  this +1


but clarifying question: Why does this put your FI’s parents in a bad place w/ his sister? I’m not clear on that piece. 

Even so, how does telling your parents mean that FI’s sister will know?


Post # 9
1011 posts
Bumble bee

waitingintn:  I would leave the sister out of it. But as for the parent thing, I still stick with what I said before. Cause sooner or later someone will find out or say something and it’ll get worse. It seems you have several choices. Tell your mom and let what happens happen. Tell your Father-In-Law thanks but you’re paying yourself and they can do the rehearsal dinner or something, or jut go with it. I don’t see any other options. 

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