- 6 years ago
Let me preface this by saying while I’m not an active member of the hive, I’m an active reader. I’ve read all of your wonderful and inspirational posts and I trust you ladies to help guide and pray for me. I’m not your typical person. I have SEVERE obsessive complusive disorder and question/doubt everything. The disorder attacks what I care about the most which is the Lord and my fiance. I suffer from what most people would call scrupulosity. The Lord has always been an obsession of mine. I used to have to write “I love Jesus” on my hand every day, and was even made fun of because of it in high school. I began medication and the OCD subsided for years. I can’t honestly say I’ve been the most diligent Christian, but the Lord is faithful and always draws me back to him. About a year ago shortly after Fiance and I started dating, the OCD came back with a vengeance. It was right around the time that I ALMOST moved in with FH. We don’t have sex, so I had convinced myself
that it was okay. A sermon I heard that weekend convicted me to the core so I didn’t go thru with it. I’m thankful that the Lord convicted me and we have kept seperate living quarters, but the OCD didn’t stop at that. I began to question Fiance and his salvation, and everything he has ever done. Throughout all this, both of us have grown as Christians and I’ve learned so much about grace and what it means to be saved, but I still question him constantly. Satan will use whatever he can to make me question Fiance and put a wedge between us. Even though Fiance has told me over and over again that he is saved and knows beyond a shadow of a doubt he will be in heaven, I STILL WANT TO QUESTION him, and anazlye his every move and word, his conversion, etc. For years both of us had been out of church and since we have been together we have joined a church, him via Baptism and myself by transfer of letter. We LOVE our church and it feels so good to have a church home for support. We have completed our pre-marital counseling with our pastor and have started having devotions and praying together, not as diligently as we should but I know this will get easier as time goes along, especially when we live together. I am certain that the Lord will bless us, BUT I can’t stop questioning him and analyzing everything. Consequently, it makes him insecure as well and I know if someone constantly questioned my salvation I’d probably go off the deep end. So I can’t blame him for being upset, I just don’t know how to stop. I would not marry a man that was not a Christian, and I have no reason to think he isn’t so HOW do I stop this? Even my pastor has told me if I don’t stop this I will lose him. I’ve read on OCD support groups of women who have done the same things to their husbands. Its discouraging and makes them feel like they’re inadequate and even makes the most faithful of men question themselves. I don’t expect you ladies to understand the nature of OCD or how it works. This is a painful obsession of mine thats wreaking havoc on my relationship. Our wedding is in 18 days and I would like to ask for fervent prayer that the Lord would give me peace about this and that I would KNOW that we both are saved and in accordance with his will. Thank you ladies for all of your prayers and encouragement. Blessings!