Post # 1
Its not easy being green… and frankly for the last week and a half i have gone through a range of emotions all of which I don’t know how to really express to anyone around me until today. I am green with envy.
You see my best friend J, whom I adore and have been friends with since we were teenagers got engaged last weekend.
My first reaction was elation. J is engaged to another friend of mine T, who I had wanted her to date for years… finally 4.5 months ago they began daing. I was so happy for them. J and T are a perfect match and I knew that an engagement would be fast coming for them, I just didn’t think that fast.
Then I was angry, not at them but at Mr Tri… I mean come on after 2.5 years and the fact that we have been through a lot together he doesn’t love me enough to marry me… as a note when I told him about the engagement he made his usual smartass comment of sucker. ( I hate those comments, but they are kinda his sense of humor). I was furious
Then I was critical of them, thinking that they were dumb and had rushed into it. and that it would never last.
Then there was the self doubt taht maybe I wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve to be happily married… This doubt is always magnified in my mind due to my first marriage that was a disaster ( being cheated on the whole time was a nightmare) and to this day I blame myself.
Luckily two of my dearest friends have been there for me. My “work husband” W ( he is one of my best friends and he and his family are wonderful… he is also one of the biggest supporters of my relationship with Mr. Tri) reminded me that things will happen in time, and reminded me that part of loving Mr. Tri is knowing that he mulls over EVERYTHING. My friend CK who is the girl who honestly has the most level head on her shoulders that I know reminded me that at even a year I would have freaked out if Mr. Tri had proposed, and asked how I truly felt about J&T’s relationship. I told her I was thrilled that they are together, and that they are a great fit. Her response to me was simple, to just be happy for them, Having those two around helps a TON… it at least keeps me from getting snarky with Mr. Tri
And now I realize its envy. I want to be married, and waiting is driving me crazy. I’ve even told Mr. Tri’s family, they all tell me to give him time and that he does love me and does want to marry me eventually. I know for a fact my weird moodiness for the last month or so is driving Mr. Tri crazy too. I’ve told him I am sorry for being a basket case lately and that even little things freak me out. However adding this envy on is horrific… I want to tell him that I hate that she is engaged and I’m not, but that is not the way I want our relationship to be… so… For now I will just remember its not easy being green
Post # 3
I sooooo understand you. All my friends are getting engaged and married right now. my SO has learned I am happy for some, jealous of some, and can look at some and know they wont last. (Now i tell my SO that ______ just got engaged and he brings me a bowl of chocolate ice cream). He always reminds me that I should be happy I have found the love of my life and my best friend. No we aren’t engaged and yes i want to be married like right NOW!! but it will happen with time. Just enjoy your relationship and the man you have and count your blessings that you got such a great guy.
Post # 4
First of all, stop blaming yourself! Being cheated on is a nightmare in itself, you don’t need to drag it on by taking it out on yourself. Whatever the reason, the first time didn’t work out. The first time you ate cake or spaghetti was probably disasterous, but it probably didn’t stop you from having dessert or dinner again.
Yes, those comments like “don’t do it man” or “sucks to be him” or “sucker” really annoy the s*%! out of me, just be happy for them already lol! It’s normal to feel a little jealous, it’s not that you aren’t happy for them, it’s just hard to see it right in front of your face. It’s awesome that you have such level headed friends, and they’re right. Things will happen when they are supposed to.
Post # 5
@trirunner56: *Hugs* it sounds like you’re dealing with this the best you can. If it helps, I don’t think you’re crazy or anything.
I think as you get used to the idea of your BFF’s engagement, the jealousy will slowly fade.
2.5 years isn’t ridiculously long.
Have you gotten a timeline from your boyfriend? Is he thinking marriage in the next 1, 2, 5 years? I think at the very least, he owes you that much. You’re a couple… he can’t hold all the cards.
Try and bring it up at a time when you’re not in the woe is me mood. And don’t nag, don’t blame, don’t bring up the other couple.
Post # 6
I can honestly understand how you’re feeling. Fiance and I were together for 5 1/2 years when my BFF got engaged to her Boyfriend or Best Friend of just over 4 years. Granted, 4 years is a while, but we always thought Fiance and I would be first. I was elated, and then I was upset, had a bit of a meltdown, threw a giant pity party for 1 in our bedroom while he was down in the basement completely unaware of how I was feeling. Eventually he came upstairs and we talked about things and he hugged me and told me our time would come. I was upset for a bit longer but then I was elated again for her with a bit of a pit in my stomach. It was such a roller coaster.
Trust me when I say, the feeling will pass and you will be 100% excited for her and that’s the only feeling you’ll have for their relationship.
Post # 7
2 and a half years is not really that long, and just because he hasn’t proposed yet certainly does not mean he doesn’t love you enough.
It’s wonderful that you can be so happy for your friend, but you cannot and should not compare your relationship to hers.
I really believe it cannot be said enough on these boards: Nothing good ever comes from comparing your relationship to others.
Enjoy what you guys have. The rest will come when it’s meant to.
Post # 8
@trirunner56: It is a common theme on these boards to be jealous of those who get engaged before you. there are a million different reasons or degrees of it. i am a little tired of the world (not really on this board, but the world in general) in general implying you are a bad person of you are jealous.
i don’t look at it as envy really… it is seeing others do something, and being reminded that you have not done it. if you were the only one of your friend to not graduate from college, would you be jealous that other people did? not really… it just brings it home that you did not, and you might feel inferior or like a failure, or that you are falling behind. its totally natural… but somehow when the situation is marriage and family, people apply this catty, bridezilla lens to it.
if there was no barometer of society, of other people doing the same things at the same basic stage in life, how would we guage or judge anything? no one wants to be the only kid not going to prom, not going to college, not having a good job. and getting married and having kids is the same.
it sounds like you are being a good friend and you can always vent here. we understand how you feel. 😉 go ahead and be green… and don’t feel to bad about it.