Post # 1
I guess I just want to know everyone’s stance on this. I know this thread has probably been done a hundred times before, but it’s 2018 and it seems like the year to change society’s perspective, so looking for more recent opinions.
Did your Fiance (or you, if you were the one proposing), talk to the proposee’s parents before getting down on one knee?
For me – I am very close with my family, and Fiance knew this. He took a day off work and went to my Dad and asked him – he also called his parents to let them know (they live on the other side of the country). Well, sort of, haha. In a far far more tactful way he was like, “I want to marry your daughter – I’m pretty much going to do it anyway whatever you say, but I thought I’d give you the respect of talking to you first”. Dad loved it – gave his blessing without hesitation.
FI’s sister just got engaged – his parents found out about it in the group text they sent to the family after the fact. Fiance was a bit taken aback – although he was going to marry me no matter what, he though my parents at least should have been given the respect of a heads up. Not in the group text, two days after it happened. Kind of a nod to tradition, without being too caught up in it.
I’m pretty on the fence about it. I am very close with my family and I am so happy he acknowledged that and spoke to my Dad. But I too understand it’s 2018 damnit! There’s also nothing wrong with not speaking to the parents – it’s not like it’s 1750 where fathers own their daughters and pay a dowry….
How did it work for you guys? Any thoughts on it?
Post # 2
Well , I see no necessity for it at all, if it were both set of parents then maybe ,but it ‘s always the girls father/parents being asked. Whether or not their answer would make any difference is immaterial , the inference is still guardianship/ownership change.
If two adults are getting engaged I think they are the only two in the equation. Nice to contact parents immediately afterwards though.
Post # 3
I actually told him not to ask. I’m a very grown adult with my own kid so I think it’d be ridiculous. Although even if I wasn’t, I’d feel the same. In general I find it outdated and irrelevant. If someone wants to give a heads up to the bride’s parents that they’re proposing, that’s fine of course, but asking – nope.
Post # 4
Its one of those things that give people credit for things they don’t do anymore. Back when women were dependents it made sense to go to her father because if she married a f up then he would in theory be on the hook for her expenses and now she was “unmarriageable.” Since women are now expected to have jobs and pay their own bills, there is no one to ask about their opinion on the matter. In most cases if the father was asked he is being asked about something that hasn’t had anything to do with him in over a decade.
Its like when parents go on about how its tradition to let them make decisions about the wedding, but unlike tradition they aren’t paying for it. You can’t have it both ways.
Post # 5
If the woman likes the tradition, that’s cool, but I can see why a lot of people find it outdated or even offensive. My now-husband didn’t ask. I think he actually tried but couldn’t get the phone number right (my dad lives overseas). I mean, my husband had only even met my dad a few times so it would have been a kind of odd phone call. I think he only tried because he wasn’t sure if I would expect it of him.
I did tell my parents together in a conference call before telling anyone else, though.
Post # 6
We are very traditional so this had to happen. My husband more like told my dad what was happening though 😂😂😂
Post # 7
My husband took a day off and drove all the way to my parents place. About 250km. And then back home again. For most Europeans that’s a lot of driving. From our place 500 km means also Paris, München, Amerstam, Basel, Brussels and so on.
I didn’t know he planned on doing that and neither did my parents. But they where so touched. My dad had tears in his eyes and my mum flat out cried. They found his gesture to die for. He never asked for their permission but for their blessing.
I also loved that he did that. I found it sweet and considerate. After all my parents entrusted him their only daughter. – not that they had any say but it made them love him even more.
After the official proposal my mum called like everyone and told them how he came and asked them. She was so proud.
And I think exactly that: it’s a gesture. It’s symbolism. Like wearing white. Or how many people are actually Virginis on their wedding day 😉
Post # 8
MiaSuperstar : Oh bless. What a lovely story 😀 😀
Post # 9
I have a real bee in my bonnet about this one. The roots of this tradition are horribly misogynistic and I can’t get over that, and wish society was a little more critical before repeating these things. Even if it’s just ‘symbolical’ and asking for a blessing, rather than permission – for me, that’s splitting hairs, and the meaning is the same.
Surely the point of marriage is that you form a new unit with your partner and they should come first – why go and speak to the parents beforehand, especially if the outcome has no bearing on anything? It just doesn’t make sense to me, and the ‘respect’ argument makes me a feel a bit queasy, and isn’t a proper justification to do anything. To me, it goes hand in hand with the whole ‘waiting/surprise proposal/man making all the decisions about timelines’ thing, and the female partner not really taking an active role in their own future.
Soapbox rant over, but there are my feelings. I understand that most of these arguments can and also do apply to the institution of marriage, but I feel like marriage provide multiple benefits (hence why I’m willing to overlook elements of its history), but I don’t really see any benefit from keeping this tradition hanging around.
So no, no parents were ‘asked’, any partner that would do so really doesn’t know me well enough to marry me, and my father (or both parents) would be completely perplexed if this happened.
Post # 10
My take on the matter is that no one (other than my fiancée) has the right to know about my engagement before I do.
Post # 11
My fiance thought it was really odd that anybody would know about our engagement before I did or that it was anyone’s decision apart from mine, so he didn’t ask my dad’s/parents’ permission. We hadn’t talked about it and initially I felt slightly mixed as I am very close to my parents. However, my fiance and I are both feminists, and when I actually stopped to think about it I thougth he was 100% right: it would have been so odd for my dad to know before I did, or to suggest my parents – but not his parents – needed to be involved! Looking at these traditions from the perspective of someone who hasn’t heard of them before (my Fiance is from a different country where this isn’t done) can be really illuminating!
We flew out to tell my parents in person and it was so exciting breaking the news, so I’m extra glad they didn’t know in advance!
Post # 12
misslucy : this is how I feel. My parents previously told me that they think the tradition is dumb because it’s my life, but my bf also asked me if he should give them a heads-up and I said no to that, too. It’s my life (and I’ve been waiting long enough!), I want to know first.
Post # 13
My husband did not ask for permission. I’m not property. We did tell both families immediately and celebrated with them the next day.
Post # 14
I explicitly told Darling Husband not to ask or speak to my parents beforehand. Although I gave my own parents the heads up that we were ring shopping.
Post # 15
My Fiance didnt ask my dad, didnt even talk to my dad about us getting married, and thats exactly how i wanted it.
I love both my parents dont get me wrong, but they dont own me, and if theres “permission” to be given, its coming from me not them.