Not gonna “jump down your throat”. It’s funny you say that because I feel too often then not monogamous relationships seem overly messy/superficial. That is just my point of view and personal experience but for me monogamous relationship make me feel really insecure sexually and emotionally. It is only after I stepped away from all the rules and noise that I can develop true intimacy based on love and trust.
I have never questioned my FH devotion to me or how I fit in his life or how special I am because we are nonmonagious. That may not be the case for everyone but it has made me whole and happy, atleast relationships wise and allowed me to meet someone who love me for me. Which he does, feel free to check out some of my recent post if you wanna get an idea how much. Spoiler alert, I am currently on a dating hiatus outside of FH due to PTSD and CPTSD, which he has been on the front lines against the crazy for years and guess who is still marrying me and on that hiatus with me? Usually people don’t have a solid example of poly commitment which is the only reason I mentioned it but historically polyamorous relationships have been quite successful. Check out the history of marriage some time if your curious, I don’t wanna bring it up here because I don’t want you to feel like I am challenging you instead just providing my experience.
Which as one of the few people who tried really hard to be monogamous, I cannot say that I ever felt that a strong level of trust or intimacy in any other committed relationship. Infact, when I was monogamous I have a really toxic view of sex and massive trust issues.
The day I questioned why I should be in just one meaningful relationship with just one person just because some people at one point decided for me that it was the way to do it, was the day I finally didn’t feel like I was being suffocated by gender expectations and defined my sexuality. Then agian, that’s what you get for forcing yourself to be something you’re not.
I will ad though that the level of communication and trust it takes for polyamory to work well trumps anything I experienced in monogamous relationships. I mean you have to be on top of things, all the time. Always talking it out and making sure everyone is ok and no one is having issues or feeling slighted. There is no room here for unaddressed resentment or jealousy because even the smallest unaddressed issue can reek havoc. It’s a l’m it of work and requires you to be emotionally fit and secure in yourself, hence the hiatus I mentioned earlier.
For whatever reason, people think it’s just one giant sex party but nope, it is real relationships with real people but instead of just one other person’s moods, desires, wants, hang up, and insecurities to deal with you have multiple people. You got to want it, you know. It can’t just be something you talk your spouse into because you want sexfriends who live with you. If you wanna be open, do it but also understand it isn’t polyamory.
That is the other thing, and I am only mentioning this to circle back to the success of poly relationship but sex in non poly marriages/relationships can be a relationship killer.People rationalize that when it does kill marriages, it is because of some major flaw with one or both people instead of something inherently wrong with the way people communicate in marriages and address unmet need. If you love someone, you want them to be happy and people with unmet needs are not happy, especially if they think that have to forfeit there desires for the survival of the relationship as a whole. Poly folk talk this sort of thing out and rectify it before it becomes a huge issue or a trip to a sex therapist. I know some monogamous who have opened their relationship under these circumstances, which works too but the levels of resentment seem to be higher depending on how that couple views sex. I know everyone can’t be poly, nor would I suggest it but I mentioned this to point out I never have to worry about this. This will never stress me out or hurt my love for FH or the security I feel in the place I hold in his life.
I have endometriosis and this is a hot button issue on the support forum I subscribe to. It makes me so sad to see some women grieve over what they can’t do and stress over if or when there partners will bail or cheat or resent them. I am a pretty empathetic person and it just hurts to see all that worry when endo is it’s own massive stresser.
Sex, with me atleast, it is more utilitarian, which FH shares those views. We look at it as a need completely separate from intimacy. It can be intimate but by itself it is just fulfilling a need. Some people find that unhealthy, for me it is the sexytime healthy standard. I don’t define my worth or place is FH life by it which is a relief. I know tons of people who do, I used to when I was monogamous and it was like this huge weight of expectation had been lifted. I love sex but on my terms, you know.
As for your comments on platonic vs romantic, we get that alot. I feel like there is a huge misconception that sex = love in our society. Or worse that sex = Intimacy. Just because you really like someone and sex is fun doesn’t mean your in love with them. Being polyamorous just takes into account that the romantic concept of “the one” is statistically unlikely. Think about it, out of the billions of people in the world, do you really think that your soul mate just happens to live in your town and meet you randomly? Happening upon someone that you have a true connection with that transcends friend or mere attraction is not an everyday thing but thinking that it can only happen once is just mathematically impossible. Most people don’t think of it that way since it is a very unromantic way to think of love but once you do it kind makes sense.
Which brings me to marriage, anoth place I am sure you and many others with differ in opinion. Marriage is announcement, it says “This person is my family, this person is irreplaceable in my life, this is a person that I cannot live without.” and I think you should marry anyone that statement is relevant to. I also think anyone marrying anyone should really consider that statement.
Besides legal marriage is really just paperwork and it is the celebration of love around that paperwork that makes it meaningful. I just fail to see how making a commitment to one person suddenly makes it were you are incapable from committing to anyone else.
Anyway, I don’t expect to change your mind, as other people opinions/life experiences rarely do.Alot of people have to experience things for themselves to have a revelation. The point of my response was not to insinuate one relationship model was better then the other but to outline the benefits and differences and correct misconceptions.
I will say this, just as I can’t tell you how you feel about your partner or speak to your level or dedication, you can’t do the same to me. Notice all of my opinions are anecdotal, the reason being is as empathetic as I am I do not pretend to know how others feel. I didn’t even get into the history of marriage, which I mean, was really hard for me being I am actually pretty argumentative. In a nice way, but still, it would have been a fun but completely derailing discussion.
Anyway, if you got through all this thanks for reading my response and I hope you have a good night and maybe meet some positive respretations of the poly community in the future.
*on my phone and not even gonna begin to spell check this bad boy. I know the difference between your and you’re, I swear, lol