Just curious. How many bees are in Alt. relationships?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

View original reply
sarathemermaid :  There’s no rulebook, no easy answers, no shortcuts to understanding people and putting them in boxes. Every alt relationship is different. It’s a totally different beast.

I genuinely think a lot of people find this intimidating because they can’t make easy, shorthand assumptions about people based on limited knowledge. There are too many unknowns.

There are a lot of reasons why people have a problem with it, but for people who aren’t basing their discomfort in being religious (all “Sanctity of my relationship” etc, the same arguments used against gay people), I think the uncertainty/inability to categorize plays a big part in it tbh. But I’m just speculating based on my experiences.

Post # 32
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
manylovesbee1 :  I am someone who is judgmental of/intolerant to alternative relationships and I can confirm that categorizing probably has something to do with it.

I would never advocate for legislation against alternative relationships or anything and I think people should be in alternative relationships if they want to. I just also, personally, think that they are (again, to me) messy/superfluous. I also feel the inability to commit/dedicate yourself to loving one person monogamously distasteful. I usually judge those who in alternative relationships as incapable of establishing boundaries between platonic/romantic love. I also feel those who get married while continuing an alternative lifestyle do disrespect the sanctity of marriage, which is supposed to be a union of 2 people (not 2 and then 2 more on the side lol). It sounds harsh and I will probably have posters jumping down my throat for the way I feel, but it is what it is.

Again, this is just how I PERSONALLY feel. I don’t think people should be legislated against or discriminated against for their lifestyle choice.

Post # 34
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2021

View original reply
mrsbarack :  Sheesh. Yeah, this feels harsh, especially on a thread that isn’t a “How do you feel about ethical nonmonogamy?” type of thread. 

Thanks, I needed the reminder from internet strangers that there are people out there who think I’m disgraceful. You’re making my day. 

Pettiness aside, definitely agree with the OP.

Perhaps the biggest difference between my monogamous and nonmonogamous relationships is the level of communication, trust, and then the closeness and intimacy born out of those things. It all blows anything I’ve had in a monogamous relationship out of the water. 

And it’s not because you can’t have those things in a monogamous relationship. You totally can! But in my experience there are so many unspoken rules and customs to monogamy that people assume a LOT about their relationship without communicating about it. And it breeds a lot of resentment and toxicity and misunderstanding. 

Nonmonogamy means the participants get to build their relationship from scratch, with no script. And that can really set the stage for better and deeper relationships. 

Nonmonogamy definitely isn’t for everyone, and it’s no better or worse than monogamy. But in my experience those who choose it are “better” at relationships because they are more open to and more practiced at communication, working with boundaries, and and dealing with the “messiness” that is inherent in all relationships where humans are involved. 

Post # 35
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

View original reply
soonzak :  Alllll of this.

 

Post # 36
Member
764 posts
Busy bee

 

I am in a very different place in my life right now after an abusive failed marriage and a two-timing relationship. Now, I feel like I want to live alone and have occassional sex with a select few with no strings attached.

I don’t know when/if I will be able to do that because I do have a 4 year old so it’s not like I will be inviting anyone over to my place. And, I don’t even want to do that when the little guy is not at home because I don’t want people to know where I live, in case someone gets ‘too attached’. So it will be interesting trying to navigate this ‘new me’.

I felt differently about relationships at different stages in my life…

  • When I was younger, I saw marriage between two people to be the ‘be all/end all’ of everything.
  • When I got older, I realized that marriage is not necessary… anymore unless you want those tax breaks, which by the way are not that great anymore.
  • When I got even older, I decided to just say f**k it to ‘serious’ relationships altogether! I wanted to spend more time taking care of ME, and buying things FOR MYSELF and taking TONS of ‘me time’.

End of the day, I have no qualms about polyA relationships because even though I don’t personally know anyone who is in one, I feel like even if I did, I wouldn’t care! Lol!

 

Post # 38
Member
764 posts
Busy bee

 

View original reply
pantsapocalypse :  I love the ideas you just presented. Especially about hosting in a local joint where I can get to know the staff who can ‘bail me out’. I feel that part of the reason I had such crappy relationships was because I was too trusting too fast. 

Post # 40
Member
5230 posts
Bee Keeper

Well I don’t believe in the “sanctity of marriage” and I’ve been married for about a million years. It’s just a state of being, nothing more, nothing less. Non-monogamous people don’t bother me. My husband and in have turned down “offers” from other couples. It’s just not for us. We’re probably too conservative to enjoy it!

Post # 42
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

How do people have time and energy for more than one partner? 

Post # 44
Member
10634 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

The “sanctity of marriage” was fucked long ago and it wasn’t done by people in alt relationships. Just sayin’.

Post # 45
Member
2475 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Serial monogamist here. Just wanted to say thank you to all the lovely alt. bees who have shared their experiences and stories. I find this lifestyle, in it’s various iterations, to be interesting and complex. 

I have a friend (*someone I care about very much)  who is not poly, but definitely not a cookie-cutter-relationship gal. Her stories and insights and perspectives are fascinating. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors