Post # 31
- Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK
catskillsinjune : Yes that was definitely the case at our wedding. Aunts, uncles and family friends gifted more than our friends. Most of our friends were 25-32 and had just bought houses or saving for a deposit or were saving for their own weddings so we defintely weren’t expecting hundreds of £s from them.
Post # 32
weddingmaven : I wish I could find the words to adequately explain why I don’t think there’s anything wrong with couples expecting cash gifts. I guess the simplest explanation for me is that just because traditionally cash gifts were deemed unacceptable, doesn’t mean that is everyone’s tradition. I grew up in an area where if you went to a wedding, you gave a cash gift. That is my norm. To me there’s nothing wrong with expecting a gift of cash vs. a physical gift. No one is obligated to give a gift either way.
Post # 33
leahbeeah : he still might just be giving $5 because you like the charity, but he’ll give you a gift directly at the wedding. Or maybe Uncle Bob isn’t doing as well as everyone assumes. Or maybe he is just cheap and didn’t realize you would see the donation amount. It’s better to not give it too much thought since it sounds like you weren’t factoring in gifts when planning to throw a lavish wedding (which is smart!)
Post # 34
leahbeeah : like I sort of get what you mean, but if a couple asked me to give my wedding gift to charity I wouldn’t do it, normally we gift £50-£100, depends on how close we are to the couple. If they don’t want that gift then we won’t give it. There is a lot we would need to buy (we have just bought our first home, have a young child and are saving for our own wedding plus I’m just turning 23 and my fiancé is 24, we don’t have a lot to spare!) before we have the spare funds to donate to a charity, and if it’s a charity I don’t agree with I don’t think I would ever donate.
But thats just me!
Post # 35
bostonbee2018 : Actually, I grew up similarly and the large majority of our own gifts were checks. As I said, I don’t at all disagree that it’s customary in some circles to give money. Depending on the crowd, I often do myself.
Where I do take issue is with entitlement and expectation on the receiving end, to the point where some people plan affairs they can’t afford and feel resentful when people don’t give enough to “cover the plate” or more.
Post # 36
bostonbee2018 : wow that’s amazing how much you received! My jaw literally dropped. Especially if you didn’t pay for your own wedding, that’s a steal.
Post # 37
weddingmaven : Yeah, that’s pretty much what I was always taught. If you throw a big wedding, do it because you want the celebration itself. Not because you expect people to pay you back for it.
Although I do think there’s a difference between entitlement (feeling like people have somehow wronged you by not giving you a gift or the amount you think you deserved) and expectation (assuming based on your experiences and knowledge of the traditions of your group that people will give gifts and that they will be in a certain range). But yes, it’s foolish to plan a wedding or spend that money until you receive it.
Post # 38
Souzie : you spent $150 K on your wedding…?
Post # 39
EllyAnne : I agree.
It is both poor form and financially unwise to host a wedding that you can’t afford on the assumption/hope that you will make back your costs in gifts.
Post # 40
OP – I think that most of your guests probably read your request for donations in lieu of gifts as you saying “we don’t want gifts” so they figured they might as well keep their money. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. People typically want to give a gift to their host and to celebrate your marriage, but you told them not to. They aren’t obligated to donate to charities in your name. I’d leave it alone.
Post # 42
leahbeeah : I’m not surprised people didn’t donate as much as they would have gifted. People want to give generous gifts to the couple to ‘set them up’ for their life together, it’s a way to contribute in a significant way to the couple’s future. Whereas people tend not to see their money as having as much impact on the charity, and don’t see its specific purpose.
That’s why people often have to have charity events and things, to whip up interest in the charity and remind them where the money is actually going. Weddings kind of do that for wedding gifts. People are excited about the marriage so they’re excited to contribute.
Still a great idea if you don’t need the cash, just not surprising that people aren’t as inspired to give to charities they didn’t necessarily choose.
Post # 43
Where I’m from the registry is for the bridal shower and then cash is given on the wedding day. It’s common etiquette to give what you think would “cover your plate” so most guests give around $100 per person ($200 for a couple). We had 100 guests and received 11k
Post # 44
I was surprised at how much we got: wedding guests 0, cash gifts about 15K from mostly my family. I also got huge natural south see pearls from my mom.
Post # 45
Souzie : May I ask where you are? US or?