(Closed) Just engaged, already having FMIL issues

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 3
160 posts
Blushing bee

@NicoleByTheLake:  I don’t deal, I settle ;). Lol. Crappy advice, I know. I just don’t get MsIL that are so controlling they want their little-but-really-grown-a$$-boy-actually-man to themselves… I say, ignore it ! That’s what I do now. She will be in your life forever *shrugs* but you don’t have to let her get in between you and your future husband if you pretend she is acting normal and is saying normal things, and keep living your life with him. I found that is the healthiest way for me. 

Post # 4
2685 posts
Sugar bee

Yeesh, that doesn’t sound like a good start.  You guys need to start handling wedding things on your terms.  Your Future Mother-In-Law had the opportunity to celebrate and contribute on her terms by having the party, and she totally blew it.  From this point on, you guys should take charge of conversation about the wedding and how you visit/interact with them.  Only discuss wedding topics which you or your Fiance have brought up with her first (if any).  If she tries to derail your plans like she did before the dinner, don’t engage her at all.  Set those boundaries now and things will go so much more smoothly.  Hopefully, she will get over the initial shock and will handle things better as things get more serious.

Post # 5
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Give her some time.  She knows her behavior wasn’t the best, otherwise she wouldn’t have had the party for you.  She’s probably worried that you’ll spend more time with your family than her, I have 4 brother’s and this is the case with 3 of them, the 4ths in laws have passed away.   She’s also not going to help much with the wedding, alot of the desicions will be your’s and your mom. 

I would let this go. It sounds like she got blind-sided, and reacted badly.   

Post # 7
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@NicoleByTheLake:  give her a little time. my fmil and i get along great – we’ve been together nearly 7 years. but when we got engaged – things were a bit off. we went on vacation with them a few days after and they asked to see the ring on day 1, and then until day 5 there was not ONE mention of our engagement, upcoming wedding – nada. it was wierd! so we brought it up and she was very much like ‘this is way too early to be discussing this’. hm. that continued on for another few weeks, even though we were going on venue tours etc. 

we decided to just leave it. we emailed her the venue we chose, the photographer we booked and just left it. now she asks what we’re up to with the wedding, she loved the photographer we booked, and she’s offered to help me get a discount on my wedding gown from fashion buyers she knows. 

so i’d say – as hard as it is, don’t bring it up for a while, let her get used to it and she will likely come around. parents want to be involved in their kids lives – she’s being wierd now, but hopefully she’ll get excited 🙂

sorry this was so long!

Post # 8
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My FI’s mom isn’t that way (thank goodness) but my mom is, and especally with my one brother who got married first.

Don’t take it personally.  She wants to spend time with her son before he’s married.  While “last minute” is not cool, perhaps some one-on-one time for him and his mom is in order.

I have to remind my Fiance that his mom exists some days, and be mindful to give him some one-on-one time when we are out to their house visiting.  Sometimes this means that they go to the grocery store and I stay in.  But his mom needs it, I know, but he’s clueless

Again, my mom was worse, but once she had her fill 2-3 times she settled down.  Moms of the grooms often feel like they must “shut up, show up, and wear beige” and that they should not share in any of the joy of the wedding planning.  Women are also usually closer to their mothers, and if his mom is anything like my mom she figured that she’d never get to spend a holiday with my brother again.  Does she have brothers?  My mom’s fears were very much correlated to those…and she didn’t even think that we spent more holidays with my dad’s family than with hers.


Post # 9
207 posts
Helper bee

I hae come to realize over the past few weeks that my mom is the nihtmare Mother-In-Law… SO and I are planning on getting engaged in the next few weeks and I knew I had to have a discussion with her because that would be her exact reaction. Maybe your Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t take change well, I know my mom doesn’t. By the time I got done talking to my mom she was saying all these great things about SO, that they love SO (my dad definitely doesn’t) and that she wanted things for me that I don’t want for myself. I think a lot of parents want something for their kids that their kids don’t want and maybe that it part of it. From your FMIL’s POV her relationship with her son will change, you will suddenly be above her on his priority list, a lot of mom’s have a problem with that. My SO is an only child, and is very close to his mom. I’m glad that she understands that I come first in his life though, it certainly makes things easier.

Post # 10
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

My Fiance is FMIL’s “baby” too, and the only boy, so she’s been bringing the crazy like it’s her job lately. I’m sorry yours is being so unwelcoming! Hopefully she’ll warm to it and settle down, but if not, the best you can hope for is the support of your Fiance every step of the way. You’re the woman he chose to spend his life with and that’s that. Take it or leave it.

Post # 11
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Similar situation with my fiance and I.

The reaction from his parents: “We are NOT paying” THat was all they said.

Reaction from one sister: “I don’t understand why she would want to be a part of a family that doesn’t want her”

Reaction from other sister: *tears* She just started crying and hung up.


Sooooooo… Needless to say getting engaged was not the “happiest time in my life” that I would have imagined haha.

Time cures all though. We have figured out (we think) that the root of it all was not about him, but about his daughter. They did not like that my fiance’s daughter had a new main lady in her life. She is the only child in the entire, and large, family and the women in the family can get pretty territorial of her. It can be overwhelming actually, now that I have been in the family longer and have seen more of it.


Anyway… moral of the story:

I learned not to take things too personally. There are things I can control, and things I cannot control. If others decide to behave in hurtful ways, that is their’s to deal with, not mine. 

Give it time, treat his mom nicely always, and things will shake out nin the wash 

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