Post # 1
I had planned to take up the goal of not talking wedding or engagment until after the holidays.
I recently finished the school semester and was on WB A LOT! as well i received the ring I ordered to give to my SO onces he proposes. I keep playing with it and want to give it to him… and it has really put a strain on me. I’ve been doing well, but all this really isn’t helping.
tonight we went to see the muppets and had a very wonderful dinner out. we have been looking forward to the movie since it came out, and i didn’t think anything of it until he took me to this beautiful restaurant and then as I was watching the movie i realised this is it! the woman in the movie had waited 10 years for her SO and I thought “this is it. he’s trying to apologise with the sub-plot and will propose on our way home or at home or something.” well the evening was perfect, we loved the movie, got home and he started flossing and getting ready for bed!!!
I just couldn’t hide it anymore and started tearing up. After begging me to tell him what was wrong I said, “i’m tired of waiting. i don’t want to still be waiting at 10 years and feel like a fool.” he said “i’m here. i’m right here babe.” it just made me sadder and he held me and kept trying to make eye contact to cheer me up. but then he finally had to go to bed and i just feel like crap.
I am so tired of this game. it’s not fun for him or me. So why are we still playing this horrible game?!
I dread the thought of going through the holidays again without his commitment.
Post # 4
Why don’t you ask him for more concrete of an explanation than “I am here?” Ask him when, tell him you don’t want a surprise, and make things more transparent if it’s making you this emotional.
Post # 5
@bookworm88: Yeah I have talked with him so much that I’m sick of talking. I need some action on his part. In September this same thing happened and he told me that he is paying the ring down and when he does he wants it to be on his timeline and for it to be special. Eventhough I keep telling him he just needs to be there and it will be special. It has been another 3 months since that conversation and I am so tired…
I don’t even really know if I care much anymore. waiting this long has ruined the excitment around it anyway.
Post # 6
He’s paying the ring down? Does he have it in his possession?
My fiance did the “I want it to be special” (and on his timeline) thing as well. It was tough when our anniversary, last Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and Valentine’s Day passed with no proposal. Meanwhile, I was going full speed ahead already with wedding plans. I had people asking me if I was sure I was actually going to get married. I got my proposal on my birthday in March, which actually did surprise me. And you know what? It was totally worth the wait!
Post # 7
@SillyStacey: He really should of given you more than just “i’m here” he hasn’t reassured you i am sure you are feeling just as lost as u felt before he even saw you get upset. I hope it made him realise he needs to get off his butt and do something about it.. i am sure no guy wants to intentionally make their girl upset he needs to be more reassuring of the fact it is going to happen.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards
I know exactly how you are feeling. We went ring shopping in July 2010. My birthday, some trips, and Thanksgiving went by without a peep. Some men want the ring to be fully theirs before they present it…and some don’t want a big, grand proposal. Mine wound up proposing on Black Friday 2010 (no holiday so the day didn’t get lumped in with another event).
He has the ring. The proposal is coming. Try, try, try to manage your expectations. I know it’s hard. This is an exciting time! You know he’s not going to wait ten years.
Post # 9
Towards the end of waiting it got sooooo bad between my Fiance and I. I was upset all the time and I can’t say we enjoyed our relationship. I knew he bought the ring and that it was coming. Although he didnt’ want some grand, huge proposal, I knew that he was waiting for the best time. It sucks. Hang in there a little more!
Post # 10
I know it feels like your going to be stuck waiting ten years but at least you know he has the ring. While it make take him a while to pay it down it’s still a major step in the right direction. Their are plenty of girls who SO haven’t even gotten that far me included. When it does happen I’m pretty sure all of this will be a distant thought. I failed the challenge too. I was so excited about these diamonds I found I told my SO last night. I tried to get a timeline out of him but it was a no go.
Post # 11
Things were really bad for DH and me in the last 3 months before the proposal as well. I tried to play it cool, but was totally unable to, outside/societal pressure didn’t help. People constantly asked us (actually just me) when we were going to get engaged, people even called me his wife when we were on vacation together over Thanksgiving. Meanwhile I was never really sure if he had been saving or not despite our multiple talks. And he never spoke about engagement or the future since he knew that was an explosive topic of conversation.
At least you know he’s on board to get engaged and is paying down the ring. YOu know it’s only a matter of time, ‘not if, but when’. So try to be your normal self from here on out. If you are totally unable to, then I would sit him donw and have a serious talk about your mental health and the proposal. Say that it’s making you extremely depressed, anxious, angry, sad etc. and waiting is too difficult for you. Ask him to agree upon a deadline that he has to propose by so at least you know it will be within X amount of days/weeks/months. I finally did that with DH and it was life changing. Because I no longer stressed about if or when it was going to happen and it also made him go out and get the ring quicker.
Post # 12
Just a note to say you are not alone in these feelings, behavior, etc. I have to make a daily effort to not say something about marriage and keep my head up about the situation. It does seem so unfair and cruel on their part to continue the waiting stage. MY SO and I are going on 4 years. How long have you been together with your SO? I agree with Vegan that your SO has made the big step of purcashing a ring. That is a BIG step. I am another one who is hoping that their SO will get to that point sooner rather than later. Taking the step of buying the ring is a sign that it WILL happen – you don’t have to wonder IF it will happen. That should help ease any stress you may have regarding “IF”. Who knows…. maybe he didn’t delve into conversation because he is planning something sooner than you think?
I know it’s hard, but really try to focus on yourself and all the other people in your life – especially since the Holidays are coming. I know the Holidays are hard, but honestly, in the blink of an eye Christmas will be over, and it will be onto the next thing. Remember to share the season with all the other great people in your life! I think in reality, we “waiting ladies” have more control of the situation than we may think – it’s just realizing that and trying to use it to our advantage.
I try to remember this… In reality, he still hasn’t “sealed the deal” yet, and you have the power to be independent and make him “chase” you (in a sense) without ever even saying a word! It is hard and frustrating, but I’ve noticed the longer I do this, the easier it gets to “wait” and allows me to feel like I re-gain some control of the situation. Are you part of Mr. Bee’s Plan Pact?
Post # 13
@strawbabies: Yeah I think the worst is feeling that my friends and coworkers are secretly thinking “what a poor fool. she thinks he’s going to come around but he’s not”
I believe he has the ring in his possession because he had is almost paid off three months ago and it is not expensive (under $1000 – i picked it out) and he makes good money and has mentioned limiting his pending in order to pay it off. So knowing it is close is killing me.
You are right, I am being very impatient. I am happy to know he is moving forward, even though not at my pace. I think I just got so consumed by it last night it was really hard to stay postive.
Thanks. It’s good to hear that I am not alone in feeling our relationship is having a tough time because of this. We are so good together, but the pressure is really getting to us I think. I have an anxiety disorder that has been a challenge over the last year, and I think he is worried that plannign awedding will affect me negatively, since I’m also in grad school. I wonder if he is not trying to protect me by not proposing, but is realizing that it is hurting me as well and now feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know he worries about me and doesn’t like seeing me hurt. I think that’s what was difficult about last night. He didn’t want me to hurt but didn’t know what else to say to make it better. so he went to bed and hoped it would be better by morning.
Yes I have been doing Mr. Bee’s back up plan for over a year… before I knew what it was. Just trying to focus on myself by going back to school, getting to the gym, taking care of the house, getting a new hair cut and anything else I can think of to have my own life. He notices but we have always been independent so he is just happy for me. Hahaha! We have been together 6 years. I told him at 4 years that I wanted to get married and he didn’t (He never thought he would want to) but recently (last year) he changed his mind and seems more gung-ho about the idea. He is still really scared though as he doesn’t know anything about marriage and his parents never married and are still together, while all his friends parents divorced. So he is hesitant.
Post # 14
“Yeah I think the worst is feeling that my friends and coworkers are secretly thinking “what a poor fool. she thinks he’s going to come around but he’s not”
I feel this way ALOT! It’s hard cuz you have to trust your gut and ignore the pessimistic tones that seem to come towards females who are with their SO for a long time without getting engaged. I think it’s one of those things people get thrown-off by, so they don’t know what to think other than something must be wrong. They also just care about you so they want you to have everything you want.
I think it shows great progess that he went from not being a fan of getting married to now seriously talking about it happening. That is a big change that alot of men don’t seem to make. I think since he has a history of not being a fan of marriage, then it is okay to give him some time to make it happen! It really sounds to me like he has made great progress. I also think it’s sweet and responsible of him to make sure the ring is paid for before proposing. Although it sucks waiting, it sounds like he is financially responsible and has a good head on his shoulders. He also is really thinking this through and you’ll know that WHEN he asks, he will really mean it! Sure, he may be taking longer than you’d like, but if he really is the one, the wait will be worth it in the end. At least your SO is making strides and growing as a person. Hang in there!!!
Post # 15
Thank you all! I feel a lot better now. It good to get an outside opinion and a reality check.
@butterflylove: You are absolutely right. he has made a lot of progress and I am not giving him enough credit. We have both done a lot of work on ourselves and it has really helped the relationship. This past year has been very taxing on both of us, so I should cut him some slack. He is moving, just at a different pace than me. That is a positive and I will focus on that. I will hold on and wait.
Post # 16
He has the ring, the proposal is in sight which is why you feel negative, your SO can’t console you at the moment as he doesnt want to ruin your surprise, your doing ever so well, just hang in there a bit longer 🙂