(Closed) Just feels like he doesn’t want me

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Intimacy issues are always kind of tough to deal with, but they’re definitely not unworkable.

Some questions: 

How does he respond *during* your conversations about your feelings?  You said he’s responsive afterwards, as in he intiates sex more, but how about during, as in, what does he say?

 

Also, how is sex when you guys are actually having it? Satisfying to you both? Passionate?

 

Is there something going on within himself? (ie. depression) Within yourself (ie. general insecurity)?  Or in your relationship (unhappiness, dissatisfaction?)

Post # 4
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’ve been going through something VERY similar to this with my fiance. He too is a bit overweight, and whenever we do talk about it- he says his weight gain has completely taken down his sex drive. But of course as a woman, I take it personally and often feel neglected or like he’s just not attracted to me anymore.

But, when it comes to being insecure- men seem to be much more sensitive about it than we are, ironically. If they aren’t confident- they seem to not be able to display as much affection or maintain a regular sex drive. Maybe try walking your neighborhood together? I know I’d love my fiance just the same at the weight he is now or 30 pounds smaller, but, if we go do something active together- it’s enough to make us both feel better and he seems to be more apt to initiate sex. 

Every relationship is different, but hopefully this helps. <3 i know it’s not an easy thing to go through. 

Post # 6
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

It sounds like you need counseling together and maybe alone too.  It sounds like you have some things you need to work on together but also maybe things alone too.

Intimacy is a huge part of a relationship, I know I couldn’t be in a relationship without it.

Post # 7
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It’s probably not u. Men can be more insecure then us and that’s why he is holding back. Try talking about his insecurities without bring up sex that way u know what he needs reassurance with and u know what could be holding him back.

Post # 8
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Jacqui,

How long have you guys been together?

Has it always been like this, from the beginning?

Do you think that there’s something going on with him outside of the relationship? (ie, work stress, someone else, something that could be affecting his sexuality — ie, past abuse?) — I don’t mean to be extreme, but its owrth it to explore every possibility.

 

I was engaged once before, and NEVER wanted to have sex with my partner. He would always initiate sex and like you would lament the fact that I never initiated.  I was very unhappy in our relationship, but wasn’t even aware of it until I took a step back and really started to evaluate things.

 

Now I’m in a new relationship and am extremely happy. I enjoy having sex with my partner, but again, I don’t usually initiate sex, but he *always* does, and very frequently, so I also don’t feel as if I have a chance to.  But, I am also noticing this about myself is that its just not something I tend to do, and in this case it has nothing to do with my unhappiness in our relationship, its just me.

 

I’m not trying to create a problem in your relationship that doesn’t exist, but I think its worth it to take a look, especially if its an issue that led you to seek help.

 

I, too, would recommend counseling, especially if its affecting your confidence and your relationship. There are likely other things at work here, and I can almost guarantee that its not about his sexual attraction to you.

 

ETA: Counseling both together and separate, for both of you if possible. I sought counseling while in my last relationship and still go because of the outlet it provides me to process life in general. 🙂

Post # 11
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Before I started talking to a therapist I was *horrible* at expressing my feelings. My family never really talked about stuff. My mom is notorious for everything always being “fine”, my father will talk your ear off about things that interest him, but never about emotions or feelings about personal issues, and my brother is the same.  So,… in my relationship I just let things bother me, pushed them aside in my mind, never expressed how I feel, and it wasn’t good for our relationship. It eventually ended and it was better that way…. but now that I’ve been in therapy I’m a great communicator, and its benefited me and my partner in many ways.

 

Anyway, all that to say “maybe your SO will get better at communication”, especially if he goes it alone. 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
869 posts
Busy bee

I’m happy to see you’re trying to sort things out with counselling.  I really really hope it works for you.  I’m hesitant to post this, because I don’t want it to come across the wrong way, and I certainly don’t want to cause even more strain on your relationship… BUT I think many of us relate to these posts, and respond to them based on our individual experiences.  A few years ago I went though a similar experience.  It lasted for months, maybe close to a year.  I ALWAYS initiated.  He gave in, sometimes.  More often than not, he’d find an excuse, and even stop me from trying to initiate.  He was cheating on me.  I’m not saying that is the case for your relationship, but since my experience, I read several similar stories.  I really hope things work out for you.  

Post # 16
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Is this a Darling Husband or an FI?

Not all sex lives are perfect, but you need to mostly be on the same page. 

If he is an Fiance, you need to figure this out before you are married because it can and does cause bigger problems- as you are discovering.

I dont have a high drive, but my Darling Husband understands that. To make up for it every few months I make a grand gesture to him (like wearing lingerie when he comes home). Also, I realize some of it is miscommunication. Sometimes I feel like I initiate and he thinks its him. Maybe some of that is happening?

 

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