(Closed) Just feels like he doesn’t want me

posted 9 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 17
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@Jacqui90:  I’m pretty insecure and when my husband isn’t initiating sex “enough”, I start to blame myself or feel like something is wrong between us.  It took a while for him to get to me to understand (b/c he didn’t want to have to talk about it) that he was embarrased to be naked around me.  If he’s not comfortable with his body, he’s going to avoid situations that call attention to it, including talking about it.  He’s probably feeling pressured to sweep you off your feet and take your breath away, but he doesn’t see himself as fitting the role.  Maybe this is the time for empathy and patience, as difficult as that may be.  His seeming lack of interest is making you feel less than desirable… but maybe he feels less than desirable too.

Post # 19
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@Jacqui90: I’ve been in an extremely similar situation. My SO has always been a little overweight, but he’s gained about 15 lbs since he’s met me. When we first started dating everything was fine, but then it started to be only me initiating and it just kind of stuck. I keep bringing it up over and over and it changes for a while and then goes right back. I’ve finally just given up. I don’t want to pressure me or him and no matter how much it sucks I’ve just let it go. He initiated last night and it was great, so I’m hoping that this will continue to help. We’ll see I guess.

Post # 22
Member
2152 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@Jacqui90:  of those books, I’ve only read the Five Love Languages,but both me and my Fiance really liked it. We found it helped us better understand where the other is coming from.

My “love language” is acts of service, so after he read that, he understood why I would always nag him to help do housework (I didn’t see it as nagging until I read that book) and he makes an effort to help.

And more relavent to your case:  His love language is phyiscal touch, and I didn’t realize how much my lack of intimacy (not sex, but even things like cuddling and hugging) hurt him until I read that. Ask him to at least read the physical touch chapter, so he can better understnad.

Post # 24
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

This post makes me so sad. The thing is, intimacy issues can be worked through but both parties have to want to improve things, and it doesn’t sound like your Fiance does, to be honest. Good for you for recognizing that this is a problem and seeking to address it before the wedding, because marriage will not make anything better; more likely, it will make it worse. 

If I were you, I would not marry this man unless he agreed to go to counseling with me. And even then, I’d have to see an improvement in our behavior patterns before moving forward. Your fiance sounds like he has no desire to improve your relationship, which really concerns me. Regardless of his own insecurities, weight issues, etc., he should at the very least be respecting your feelings and be looking to work with you to improve your relationship.

Post # 27
Member
304 posts
Helper bee

this isn’t about sex or you. it’s about your Fiance.  what struck me was you said you get angry or upset daily and it’s usually something to do with him breaking promises and making excuses.  please read about passive aggressive men.  here is a link.  read it from top to bottom.  there is no greater way to be frustrated daily than to deal with a man like this. 

http://www.mailmandelivers.net/passive-aggression/

Post # 29
Member
304 posts
Helper bee

well it’s interesting and it’s not always a one size fits all when it comes to something like that.  he may have an emotional connection with you, but what is interesting is that his and yours love language is the same (touch and words) but yet he withholds that from you?   why?  those are the questions to ask.  is he withholding as a punishment? (his statement: you made things this way) or minimizes/blames you (his statement: oh i’m sorry for your miserable life” as if you are complaining about your whole life (making you look crazy) so it gets the focus off the issue.    what was his childhood like? 

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