Post # 17
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
@Jacqui90: I’m pretty insecure and when my husband isn’t initiating sex “enough”, I start to blame myself or feel like something is wrong between us. It took a while for him to get to me to understand (b/c he didn’t want to have to talk about it) that he was embarrased to be naked around me. If he’s not comfortable with his body, he’s going to avoid situations that call attention to it, including talking about it. He’s probably feeling pressured to sweep you off your feet and take your breath away, but he doesn’t see himself as fitting the role. Maybe this is the time for empathy and patience, as difficult as that may be. His seeming lack of interest is making you feel less than desirable… but maybe he feels less than desirable too.
Post # 18
Member
9838 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
but i show him how much i desire him, i tell him all the time.
and he knows he doesn’t initiate it, so yeah.
yeah he is my fiance, of just over two weeks 😛
i want to help him, i just don’t know how, i think maybe i should just not text him or call him or anything til he contacts me, wait til he is ready to talk. i just feel kinda bad for leaving without saying goodbye, but i just couldn’t sit there waiting forever
Post # 19
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
@Jacqui90: I’ve been in an extremely similar situation. My SO has always been a little overweight, but he’s gained about 15 lbs since he’s met me. When we first started dating everything was fine, but then it started to be only me initiating and it just kind of stuck. I keep bringing it up over and over and it changes for a while and then goes right back. I’ve finally just given up. I don’t want to pressure me or him and no matter how much it sucks I’ve just let it go. He initiated last night and it was great, so I’m hoping that this will continue to help. We’ll see I guess.
Post # 20
Member
9838 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
maybe i should just stop bringing up issues and trying to work on our relationship, since he obviously isnt willing to. every time i say communication is important he says ‘i know’ but never communicates.
i certainly express things that bother me more often now than i used to, because a couple things happened that caused him to say that i should tell him straight away if something upset me.
he and my best friend briefly liked each other before he and i were going out, now they didnt do anything or go out at all, despite my encouragement (i love seeing happy couples). after he and i started going out, they slept in the same bed when he stayed over at her house. they couldnt be bothered getting the stretcher. they didnt do anything, but it still hurt. And also I have always thought a guy giving a girl one of his shirts as a boyfriend thing to do, not something a guy gives one of his female friends, especially when that guy is not single. well he gave her one of his shirts that he never wore. up until about a year to two years ago i didn’t express how much these things upset me, i finally mentioned it. he didnt understand why it upset me, and said i should have told him at the time.
so now i tell him when things upset me, but that still doesnt seem to help him try to fix things. except that sometimes he says he will work on them, and doesnt.
Post # 21
Member
9838 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Just bought a few books I hope will help: The New Rules of Marriage, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, The Five Love Languages, and How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.
Anybody read any of these? Have they helped? I picked the last one to help me improve mainly, since I guess I try to talk too much and try to solve things by talking about them. But I hope he is willing to look at them together, since he won’t go to counselling
Post # 22
Member
2152 posts
Buzzing bee
@Jacqui90: of those books, I’ve only read the Five Love Languages,but both me and my Fiance really liked it. We found it helped us better understand where the other is coming from.
My “love language” is acts of service, so after he read that, he understood why I would always nag him to help do housework (I didn’t see it as nagging until I read that book) and he makes an effort to help.
And more relavent to your case: His love language is phyiscal touch, and I didn’t realize how much my lack of intimacy (not sex, but even things like cuddling and hugging) hurt him until I read that. Ask him to at least read the physical touch chapter, so he can better understnad.
Post # 23
Member
9838 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@adnama: thanks, i will do that 🙂
Post # 24
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
This post makes me so sad. The thing is, intimacy issues can be worked through but both parties have to want to improve things, and it doesn’t sound like your Fiance does, to be honest. Good for you for recognizing that this is a problem and seeking to address it before the wedding, because marriage will not make anything better; more likely, it will make it worse.
If I were you, I would not marry this man unless he agreed to go to counseling with me. And even then, I’d have to see an improvement in our behavior patterns before moving forward. Your fiance sounds like he has no desire to improve your relationship, which really concerns me. Regardless of his own insecurities, weight issues, etc., he should at the very least be respecting your feelings and be looking to work with you to improve your relationship.
Post # 25
Member
9838 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@mckernae: yeah often i feel like he doesn’t. this morning i was telling him about the books and everything, and how the last one i wanted to get to improve my reactions and stuff, and how i wanted him to look at them with me, and he explained that he doesnt feel he has a say in our fights cos of me getting upset when he leaves the room. he didnt really say anything about the books except ‘unless there is some sort of answer in those books’. and saying other stuff like he doesnt want me to be unhappy in this life if it’s him causing it. Then I explained how I was tired being the only one fighting for our relationship and trying to work out the issues. His response: “Ok well im sorry for giving you this miserable life, i do wish to keep going but i want you to have a happier life.” Great, but I want a happier life WITH him. I think you’re right, it doesn’t seem like he’s that keen on improving things, or changing. He is very good at making promises and saying that he will do things to improve, not so good at following through
Post # 26
Member
9838 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
he came over tonight and helped with dinner, he has agreed to look at the books with me, and go to counselling if need be. he says he really does want to improve, and seems to mean it, but all the other times he has seemed to also. but did the quiz on the five love languages website, turns out we both have the physical touch language as our main one and words of affirmation second. so maybe just more time cuddling, without tv or any other distractions may help us. i hope things get better from here on out cos we can’t keep repeating this over and over
Post # 27
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
this isn’t about sex or you. it’s about your Fiance. what struck me was you said you get angry or upset daily and it’s usually something to do with him breaking promises and making excuses. please read about passive aggressive men. here is a link. read it from top to bottom. there is no greater way to be frustrated daily than to deal with a man like this.
http://www.mailmandelivers.net/passive-aggression/
Post # 28
Member
9838 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
oh wow, that really opened up my eyes, thank you. the only part i disagree with in this case is the unable to form an emotional connection with someone, where he has formed a permanent emotional connection with me. i am wondering whether i should show him this article? what can I do to help him?
Post # 29
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
well it’s interesting and it’s not always a one size fits all when it comes to something like that. he may have an emotional connection with you, but what is interesting is that his and yours love language is the same (touch and words) but yet he withholds that from you? why? those are the questions to ask. is he withholding as a punishment? (his statement: you made things this way) or minimizes/blames you (his statement: oh i’m sorry for your miserable life” as if you are complaining about your whole life (making you look crazy) so it gets the focus off the issue. what was his childhood like?
Post # 30
Member
9838 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
fairly happy, his dad is like him – fairly quiet, withdraws, etc; his mum is very involved and up until last year would clean his room for him, etc. my Fiance is kinda a mamma’s boy, not so much as he used to be though
Post # 31
Member
9838 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
he is very good with holding my hand, holding me in his arms, etc – just the sex side of it he withholds
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