Post # 1
Oh hive! I’m so stressed out right now!! I’m going to give you the abridged version of the story.
I have no relationship with my biological father. He was extremely physically and emotionally abusive when I was a child. My mother left him when I was about eight. The last time I saw him when I was 18 and I visited him in jail. He told me straight up that he had no regrets about what happened in my childhood. I walked out and never looked back.
In the past four months or so, my older sisters for whatever reason have decided they wanted a relationship with him again. I have my made wishes clear – I want him to know *nothing* about me and my life (esp. the fact that I have two children). Up to this point they have abided by my wishes.
UNTIL…. a little birdy told me two days ago one of my sisters has this elaborate plan to BRING HIM TO MY WEDDING!!! Honestly, this would literally ruin the entire day for me. When I start thinking about it, I want to start crying. What can I do? I’m not supposed to know about this plan, but it infuriates me.
What if he shows up at my wedding???
Thanks for any and all advice.
Post # 3
I’m sorry you have this difficult situation. I think you absolutely need to sit down with your sisters and explain that you heard they may be trying to bring your father to the wedding. You need to explain how this is NOT something you want and would be very upsetting to you. You can tell them it’s fine for them to have a relationship with him, but it’s not something you would like and would infact be very stressful and extremely upsetting to have him at your wedding and ask them to please respect your wishes. I do hope this works out, I’m so sorry!
Post # 4
I’m so sorry. I am also estranged from my (extremely mentally ill) biological father.
You need to tell your sisters (kindly) how you feel and that you are not ready to reunite with your father. Ask them to let you do it in your own time, if ever. Tell them that you appreciate the sentiment and kind thoughts, but your wedding is such a big, stressful event on its own without adding in your father.
Just in case, you may want to alert some male family members or friends (preferably strong ones) that you do not want your father in attendance. Ask them to keep an eye out for him and to escort him from the ceremony or reception, but make it clear that you don’t want a scene or fight. If you can spring for security, it might not be a bad idea.
Post # 5
Wow, you have every right to be infuriated. I would sit down with your sisters ASAP and tell them what you’ve heard and again make it clear that you don’t want him there. Maybe if your mom is on your side ask her to be there too. If you are still worried that they may try to pull this off, I would tell you father (in a letter, over the phone, in person, whatever) that you don’t want him there and will have him escorted out.
You have the benefit of time on your side. Hopefully things may change, such as an, um, a falling out between your sisters and father. I can’t believe how disrespectful your sisters are being about your feelings towards your father. Are they disillusioned about what happened?
I hope as time goes on everything works out for you.
Post # 6
That’s horrible! I agree that you should definately make yourself clear to not only your sisters, but your father. Whatever their reasons for getting back in touch with him are, they probably feel like you need to follow suit by any means necessary.
Who cares if you aren’t supposed to know about this "plan", let them know that you’re onto them, and will not stand for it!
I have a few people that I would rather not see on my wedding day, and I’ve already begun to plan out which big guys are in charge of enforcing my security wishes.
Good luck, I’m hoping this is resolved for you by just talking to your sisters.
Post # 7
oh you poor thing… (hugs!!!)
my best friend has a similar story. her father sexually abused her as a child and she had no contact with the man for almost 20yrs until her older sister decided that for her wedding she wanted what she hoped would be a movie styled family reunion by re-introducting the dad back into the family and all it brought was tears, harsh words, hurt feelings, accusations and drama.
tell you sister in no unspoken terms that the man is not welcomed at your wedding. tell her that you love her (if you do that is) and you want her to be there but if she brings that man to your wedding then he will be removed. and get someone at the door to do the job of removing him. follow this up by getting your Fiance to phone him and tell him directly that he is not welcomed
because of my experience with my best friend i may seem over the top about this but you do not want that man brining up bad memories on the day that is suppose to be about your happiness
goodluck and sending you hugs
Post # 8
Oh my GOD, how AWFUL! *HUGS* I agree with the others — you NEED to sit down with your sisters and tell them straight-up that you DO NOT WANT HIM THERE. If they don’t take no for an answer, have the best man and some of the groomsmen (as well as the staff at the venue) ready to bar him from entering.
If you have enough time, you could get a restraining order — if there’s the slightest though in your mind that he may continue his abusive pattern on you now, I would try.
I cannot believe your SISTER would do this. *HUGS* I’m so sorry.
Post # 9
I would call your sister AND your father and explain that he is not welcome. If you don’t want to talk with him, have your Fiance do it. Sorry this is happening. How in in the world does she think this is a good idea?
Post # 10
Wow. You’ve been given some really good advice in here so I don’t feel like I need to add much in. This does sound like one of those situations where people (your sisters) had some good intentions but they are just very misguided. You have every right to talk to them about this and THANK GOODNESS for that little birdy letting you know about this news.
When you do speak to your sisters about it, perhaps let them know about the ideas of having the big guys at the wedding physically force your father to leave, just to illustrate the extent to which you do NOT want your father there.
Post # 11
Talk to your sister ASAP. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you understand she was trying to create a nice surprise ffor you but that you don’t want to see him. Ever. And especially not on your wedding day. Be nice about it and acknowledge that she probably wasnt’ trying to a sneaky b*tch (even if she was) to keep the peace with your sis (at least until after the big day).
Then make a back up plan. Inform someone (your venue staff, your wedding planner, a couple of burly friends of the groom, whoever works for you) that an unintended guest might show up. Give them a picture and instruct them to escort him from the premisis discretely if he shows. If you think that violence is a possibility you might want to hire a bouncer and purchase some liability insurance.
And tell them that you don’t even want to KNOW about it if he shows up. No need having them ruin your lovely wedding day with that news. You can find out later.