Post # 1
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
Here is the back story: I was with my ex for 6 years, and ended up breaking things off back in 2007. I still loved him, but I wasn’t “IN” love with him and I didn’t feel it was fair to stay with him when I was unsure if he was the one. I ended up leaving him, and he was absolutely devastated. I still feel bad to this day about what went down. I pleaded with him to stay friends but he said it was just “too hard” and he refused to speak to me.
About 2 years after we broke up his mother contacted me on FB and sent me a lovely message saying that she missed me and hoped I was well and wanted to get together for lunch one day to catch up. I really wanted to because I LOVED his mother. My boyfriend (now FI) was totally okay with it and encouraged me to catch up with her. Once my ex found out, he yelled at his mother and told her she shouldn’t contact me. My ex’s new girlfriend told her she “had” to unfriend me and that if she made any more contact with me that it would cause a rift between her and her son. I understood and told my ex’s mom that the last thing I wanted to do was cause problems for him and his girlfriend so I left it alone and haven’t spoken with her since.
Today I found out through a mutual friend that my ex’s grandmother (his mother’s mother) passed away. I am heartbroken because I really cared for his grandmother and his mother (and still do) and I would love to reach out to her just to say that I am sorry. My ex is now married to his girlfriend and I just don’t see why she wants his mom to have no contact with me. I am no threat to her at all and would NEVER try to come between her and my ex. Plus, isn’t he over me by now? Why is she worried?
Anyway, I am debating what to do. Thoughts?
Post # 3
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
Nah, don’t contact him. Send him and the family good thoughts and leave it at that.
Post # 4
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
I would just send flowers or a plant to the funeral home. It’s going to be crazy right now for them so it’s better to just send something.
Post # 5
Member
10573 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I think sending a card would be a nice gesture. There’s no reason she would even need to mention it to her son. Going out for lunch and sending a sympathy card are two very different things.
Post # 6
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
I don’t want to contact him, I wanted to reach out to his mother.
Post # 7
Member
10573 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
@MrsElopement: Also has a good idea!
Post # 8
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
Send his mother/the family as a whole a card.
Post # 9
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
I think sending a card to his mother would be a nice gesture. And I can’t imagine it causing a problem if you sent one.
Post # 10
Member
6019 posts
Bee Keeper
At most I would send a sympathy card expressing your condolences to his mother and family. Send it directly to his mom. And leave it at that. I think its a bit ridiculous that that chick thinks she can dictate who his mother talks to. she doesnt ahve to like it but that seems a bit controlling to me. its one thing for him to not have contact but his mom? its not as though she was inviting you to family parties and making things awkward. I would send a card so the mom knows you are thinking of her. But to be respectful of the crappy situation his mom has been put in I would just leave it at the card and move on.
Post # 11
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
I don’t see anything wrong with giving her your condolences. This is not about him (the ex) or his now wife, but about your friend’s (his mother’s) loss.
Post # 12
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Post # 13
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
@stardustintheeyes: I know, I don’t get it. Why should she even care? I don’t care who my Future Mother-In-Law speaks to.
Post # 14
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
Yeh i would contact her, just let her know you heard the news and that your sorry and send her thought and prayers.
i dont see anything wrong with that at all. if you initial reaction was to contact her, then i think thats the right thing to do.
Relationship with ex’s mum is totally seperate from a relationship with your ex.
And also *hugs* its not nice to hear about news like this when your cared about the person.
Post # 15
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
Sorry I obviously skimmed the post. If you want to send a card/flower to the family I think that’s great!
Post # 16
Member
6019 posts
Bee Keeper
@Legallyblondiebride: well i can say that some women are just that way. I don’t personally agree with it but it happens. My good childhood friend is that way. She wants that spot for her self, you know the “daughter his mom never had” and feels as though because his mom has contact with one particular ex of his that she will always have to compete in a way and will never really compare or come first. Its really kind of backwards though because by demanding things like this the relationship is damaged between myf riend and her Future Mother-In-Law because she just comes off as an insecure jerk. But she is who she is and its just not ok with her. So you are not alone in seeing a situation like this play out. its crappy. But the most you can do is remain respectful of how they are all choosing to handle it. So in this case, as I said I would send a card.
By The Way, I would have a problem if my Fiance still talked a lot to his ex that he didnt want to leave in the first place. But that is my Fiance not his mother or anyone else. He is the only one I would expect to respect my feelings on something like this. I would not say “no you cant talk to her” but i would let him know it bothered me and if he is the kind of man I think he is and the kind of man I see myself with he would choose to not speak with her without me having to directly say that. Simply because he respects my feelings and puts me first. but thats a whole other topic lol.
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