(Closed) Just found out FFIL is slightly racist…not sure how to handle this

posted 5 years ago in Family
  • poll: Would you speak to FFIL about his racist comments
    No, listen to your FH and keep quiet : (53 votes)
    88 %
    Yes, you are allowed an opinion too : (7 votes)
    12 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    2572 posts
    Sugar bee

    Maybe this won’t be a popular opinion but I wouldn’t pick this battle. If you would like the situation addressed your fiance should do it. It’s his father and if there is going to be a battle he is more likely to work it out with him. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    5944 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Hmmm… I guess I wouldn’t go out of my way to say, “Hey, I noticed via FB that you are racist and I don’t like that.” But if he said something in front of me I’d have to speak up. My thought was that you will likely have some muslim friends at your wedding. He wouldn’t be awful to their face would he?

    PS- I wonder if he even knows that people can see him commenting and liking? I know someone who just commented on a public FB page about his battle with his sex addiction. Something I did NOT need to know about this person!!!

    Post # 4
    Member
    8757 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    BizzzzyBee:  I didn’t vote because I fall in the middle as PP said. Don’t say anything about the Facebook comment, but if he says something racist in conversation with you most definitely speak up!

    Post # 5
    Member
    111 posts
    Blushing bee

    I wouldn’t say anything. Only because it’s a waste of valuable air. Bigots are bigots are bigots. He is unlikely to ever not be one. So for you to say something just creates strife between you and him. He is not likely to become a better person who isn’t racist because you shared a logical point of view with him.

     

    So I voted no based on what I personally know of racists and their nature.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1066 posts
    Bumble bee

    My father is one of the most racist people on the planet (my mother made sure I have a much more accepting view) so I can honestly say from experiance that if you bring it up, the conversation will not end well, he will more than likely turn on you. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion (ignorant or not) and it’s not your place to point out that it’s wrong. People with that strong of a view point will not be swayed by someone pointing out that it’s rude or offensive because they find support for other races/religions offensive and ignorant. If it comes up in person then it’s appropriate to say something politely so that he knows you’d appreciate it if he didn’t speak that way around you but that’s it. At 44 this man is set in his ways and will probably just be set off by you asking him to change his opinions/behaviors.

    As much as you accept other’s religions/races you also have to accept that he has a different philosophy even if it is one of hate. Just becuase you disagree with him doesn’t mean you get to turn the same amount of hate/dislike on him and his actions that he has for others and their actions. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    11428 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    If people ignore this kind of hate, it grows. The worst mistake is thinking tolerance means accepting hate. Quite the opposite, the worst evils have been done when good people said nothing. 

    You don’t need to be cruel, of course, but I doubt that was your plan. Correcting someone’s paranoia and misinformed pov isn’t “hate”. If you are going to broach it, do it logically. Ask him in what specific ways he has been forced to adopt Muslim culture. Etc. Good luck.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1054 posts
    Bumble bee

    I am also one who can’t keep my mouth shut when it comes to things like this. I am very passionate about the things I believe in, and it drives my Fiance crazy because he thinks I should be quiet- I won’t change anyone’s mind anyways. If you could see all my eye rolls you’d know I disagree, but in your case I would zip it. If he said something in front of me you can bet I’d have something to say, or if he asked why he was removed on facebook Id say something, but until that happens I wouldn’t go out of your way to start anything. Sorry!

    Post # 11
    Member
    2961 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

    View original reply
    Rafissch:  +1

    My dad has some ridiculous views (let’s just say he follows Fox News exclusively). You should see the bullshit articles he shares/comments on FB. Would I ever win an argument with him? No. He is an old dog, set in his ways. 

    Don’t pick this battle. Your Fiance knows him best, and if he is telling you not to go there, don’t.

    Post # 12
    Member
    105 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I agree with others that you shouldn’t attempt to address your FFIL’s Facebook comments in a direct conversation, if only because they didn’t originate in a conversation with you or anyone in the family.  However, I think you should make it clear with your Fiance that, when you are around Future Father-In-Law, that you will not keep quiet and ignore racist comments he makes, and that if you do confront him about them, that you expect your FI’s support 100%.  Additionally, your Fiance should also speak up if/when his dad says hateful things in front of both of you, so that you don’t get labeled as a trouble-maker and that it shows a united front.  If this really is a recent development, his simply being challenged on his rhetoric may make him realize that he’s misguided or at least that those types of comments won’t be accepted by his family.

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    2968 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    View original reply
    BizzzzyBee:  uhhh yeah NO you cannot say anything to him. This will only cause future problems and you’re not going to enlighten him in any way. He will just turn his rage towards you and you will end up with a bigger problem than some nonsense he is posting on facebook.

    Here in the states we have Fox “News” and various other conservative sites that spew nonsense all the time, and my husband’s family post crap all day long on fb. I’ve never seen people so faux outraged and acting like they are being persecuted and are under attack. Complete insanity. If you try to have a conversation with them or just disagree with them they go on the attack and you become their “godless, commie, socialist, minority loving- american hating, liberal” target.

    I am well aware that not only will I not change their minds, but I also don’t find it worth it to talk back to people that are so ignorant and full of stupidity. During family events I just walk away when they start up and pretend I have something else to do.

    My uncles’ brother also made some really horrible anti-muslim comments to family friends/guests at my wedding that were sitting at the table next to them. I can’t even repeat all of the things he said to that family, but it was horrific and so full of hate for people he didn’t know and never met. I was heartbroken. I no longer speak to my uncles brother because of it.

    Your best bet is to make your position known if they speak about this in front of you or say something you disagree with to you, and I would also make sure that you do it carefully. Do not engage them, just make your feelings known and walk away from the conversation. I don’t suggest going after him about something he posted on facebook though. It’s not worth it.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  MissJulianna.
    Post # 14
    Member
    1272 posts
    Bumble bee

    First off, just because you saw his post does not make it any of your business. He is allowed to express his ideas (right or wrong, offensive or not) as much as you are.

    Practice a little tolerance, and don’t comment on the matter unless you want to burn bridges (and this early in your relationship with Future Father-In-Law, it would be unwise). He comes from a different generation with different values and he is entitled to those, as much as you are entitled to yours. Unless he is actively hurting or insulting you or your friends, there is no reason to address it. It is unlikely you will be able to change him or “make him see the light” as many naive visionaries are so fond of saying.

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