Post # 92
@fivemonthsnotice: I’m sorry but I don’t think you are being reasonable–asking if you can take his cards–he’s an adult….and he is not carrying an unusual amount of debt for his income level—or at least it doesn’t seem like it
I read through and saw that part of the debt was accrued while supporting his mother–that to me would be a problem. It’s nice to help out your mother if you have the means-but she should NOT have encouraged him to wrack up debt with interest in order to ‘take care’ of her—I would worry that this sort of behavior would continue
People finance cars…that is a normal thing to do….
If you don’t want a joint account that is just fine…but you can’t expect to tell a grown man that he can’t use a credit card or finance a car
Why don’t you set aside $ for your goals and you can both pay into it?
As far as I’m concerned–I have a couple k in cc debt–student loans (ugh)–fiance has a car loan with about 15k left on it
Post # 93
I’d go see a credit counselor. If he’s not willing to go with you, at least go find out what you’ll be responsible for after the marriage. Anything in his name should be his debt and not affect you, but I wouldn’t sign any financial papers with both your names on them until he gets his debt paid off. Maybe some sort of paperwork needs to be drawn up beforehand to protect yourself and your children.
Post # 94
I can tell you that money is one of the biggest points of contention in relationships. Differing attitudes on money, and how to spend it, account for more divorces than infidelity. I would have a serious talk with him. If he is committed to the relationship he should be willing to do his part to get a handle on this debt…like sell the camaro. Just my opinion…
Post # 95
I would postpone the marriage until there is an aggressive plan in place to get this paid back, plus 3-4 months’ track record of sticking to the plan. This is especially important if you have kids. And even then I would still get some sort of prenup. This is the sort of thing that can really devastate your life. If your fiance loves you and is smart about this, he will make sure that you are protected against that happening.
Post # 96
We will have quite a bit of student loan debt when we get married — he went to a top tier law school and I went to a very expensive grad school, so we’ve definitely got that – but NONE of it is consumer, and if it was, I’d be really upset by it. When we first moved in together though, we pulled out all of our bank statements, loan statements, credit card statements, and any other assets/liabilities so we were on the same page.
I think you need to sit down with your Fiance and figure out all your finances. Credit counseling, working with the bank, and anything else you can do. I’d also be hesitant to attach your name to anything of his, because then you could be liable for the debt, too!
Post # 97
I would consider meeting with a financial planner. FI has $35,000 in student loans (which is actually amazingly low considering he went to a fabulous private university and to business school). We’re meeting with a lady who is helping us lay out a budget based on our income and debt and our priorities for saving for retirement, standard of living, future children, etc.
An unbiased outsider may really help you both adjust to the reality of your situation and plan for how to get Fiance out of debt, and help your Fiance think through WHY he is compelled to spend money he doesn’t have.
Post # 98
I have my car and my University debt. around $20,000. Together we have our home and its renovatons.
Post # 99
You are right, I can’t distinguish because right now things are so separate and they are about to be joined. And I am freaking out about this! I do NOT live his lifestyle at all. I can live off 2K a month, with thrree kids. I am frugal.
Post # 100
I know, I know…that is why his first marraige dissolved: he had lots of contracts as he worked for the government and he didn’t make enough money…his ex wanted to have kids and it broke down the marriage as she was afraid to go on mat leave…like, he didn’t learn. My Fiance is planning on getting back in to government but it will be a few years as there are no seats that have opened up in our riding and ithink the problem is ya, he was a single guy, with a lot of influential friends and he feels he needs to show off. He has worked with some of the top politicans in Canada and right now, if ANYONE of our friends really knew what was going on, they wouldnt believe it.
As his uncle is a mayor out west, mother was on city council for TO and his whole family is pretty politically-inclined, I haveno doubt he will get there eventually. But it is getting there now.
In terms of the laziness, I should honestly say that when he realyl enjoys something he is engaged and committed to it, but he is helping out wit the biz for me so Ican be home with the kids…he hates his role in the company, we both know this. His passion is people, contracts and legal work, not what he is doing now.
I feel guilty even complaining sometimes 🙁 I think what I wrote in the beginning was out of frustration (the comment about being married to a rich lady)…
it seems right now it would make more sense…he wants a lifestyle that he can’t afford right now, he has had it before, and I think he misses it. He is contributing to the biz mostly for me, and sacrificing his dreams, it is a mess right now. Argggh.
Post # 101
Hey Zanne, its ok, honestly-yes the shock is overwhelming. I didn’t deal with it well this weekend. I had a little too much to drink, too much to eat..just sort of dazed around. Sulked. I haven’t talked to him yet…I am so afraid of this..i need to go talk t ohim now. We have had not a lot of provacy with the kids around this weekend but I am scared…I don’t want to leave him but I am so mad and scared that this won’t work out for us well, financially he has dug too big a hole. I mean, I don’t think he has paid taxes for the RRSPs when you wrote that my gut went even further into the hole. For the first time in oru relationship EVER, I am doubting him, doubting us. It is so hurtful, I am crying writing this, I don’t know where t ostart with him.
Post # 102
We owe $218,000 on our mortgage, over the next 30 years. I owe about $12 or $13k on my car. Other than that, we don’t have any cc debt, or student loan debt.
Honestly, I would definely postpone the wedding. I’m assuming that you guys have been together for some time since you have a business together… With that assumption being made, what else is he hiding from you, or not being forthcoming about? The ONLY way I would move forward with things is if he gets on some sort of strict budget/set plan for debt elimination. I don’t really like the guy, but he’s some sort of money guru that has a radio talk show. His name is Dave Ramsey. He has some good ideas, but just don’t like his personality. I wouldn’t be able to move forward with the relationship until you guys make a solid plan, and you can see that he is abiding by the plan for debt reduction. I agree with a previous poster that a good point to consider is that money is one of the top divorce reasons…
I’m really sorry that you’re having to go through this!!
Post # 103
Then you have your answer. An honest conversation, an evening spent going over your bank accounts and putting a budget in place, sticking to said budget, and, if you’re both up for it, premarital counseling. I know it sounds like a lot, but just take it one step at a time. The vows say for richer and for poorer…but that deosn’t mean you shouldn’t both do everything you can to stay in the black.
Post # 104
We have over $60,000 because of my student loans. Without those, I would say around $5,000 or less.
Post # 105
This part of your original post concerned me more than the debt itself:
He is also not a typical “provider”…he doesn’t like to work and I know he is a bit lazy in his work style. I have to kinda kick his butt all the time to do work and this is a whole other argument. I do not want to be left supporting him, I have enough on my plate, and his lifestyle and attitude sometimes makes me think maybe he was better off being some 60 year old lady’s boytoy, instead of my future Hubbie.
Debt can be worked out and paid off, but you don’t want to have to be someone’s mother and remind them to be motivated. Not many people “like” to work, but as a spouse and a business partner, it sounds like he doesn’t pull his weight.
Post # 106
I have £3000 of student debt left and that’s it. Our mortgage is 100k but manageable. Your Fiance sounds a lot like someone I know who has always been bailed out. But it is possible to turn it around. A friend’s mother runs the all their finances and gives his father £100 a week pocket money. He prefers it as he can’t say no to debt and this gives him clear limits. Maybe worth a thought?