(Closed) Just found out FI made big purchase behind my back!

posted 11 years ago in Money
Post # 3
2570 posts
Sugar bee

I dont think its OK to make such a large purchase without the other person knowing, however it is still “his” money.  On the flip side, his decisions affect you.

Maybe you should sit down and redo the finances so he has that flexibitlity without affecting you.

IE (these perentages are random)

Put 50% in a joint account for bills (or whatever covers all of them)

Put 25% in a joint savings for wedding

Put 10% into Joint or personal savings- not to be used

The remainder he can spend as he wishes without dicussing with you.

Then if he wants to buy something he cant afford from his “remainder” it needs to be discussed if its worth coming out of savings for.  

Really unless it makes sense (IE 0% interest) something like tools should never have to have its own credit accound.  It should always be paid for in full.  Make that a discussion as well- not buying on credit (not the same as buying with a credit card and paying off immediately)

Post # 4
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I understand open communication but he probably did it because he thought you would get upset or try to convince him not to get the tools. I think when it comes down to it, its his money and he doesn’t need your permission to get anything. However, this also goes along with the idea that he must also make sure hes keeping up his end of the bills with whatever you are splitting. 

Try to understand that while you may be more frugal and devoting your money to the wedding, he might be in a different mode where not everything is wedding related. I’m cautious with money issues, especially when someone is spending their own money because he has a right to do that.  You might see it as a voice of reason but if he has his mind made up, going through you might not have any benefits in his mind. 

Post # 5
30393 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Can you not agree upon an amount that each of you can spend without consulting the other?

Post # 6
3928 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Although it was bad that he didn’t let you know that he was making this purchase, I am thinking that he probably needed them for his job and was afraid to tell you because he didn’t want to fight with you. I think you both should have a discussion about how to communicate with each other and you should let him know that you support him in purchases that are needed for him to do his job, but you would like him to at least talk to you about it. Also, let him know that you will still likely voice your opinion, but you do understand, you just have to reason out everything and that you will do you best to keep calm when he comes to you about things like this.

Post # 7
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m probably one of the few that see it this way but I know with my relationship I feel as though if its our own money we are spending & the bills are getting paid then its ours to spend.. As long as their is set aside money in case of an emergency and its not a brand new car that he’ll be paying on for 5 years then he’s welcome to spend it how he wants to. I make more money & I definitely don’t think twice about purchasing things.. I want a new tv for our bedroom and other than asking his opinion on the brand I wouldn’t check if it was okay. We do have separate accounts & more than likely will keep separate accounts once we are married.. Like I said though I’m probably one of the few that see things this way.. I just know that as long as it doesn’t affect me and its his money than if he wants something he should go buy it.. Given though that usually if he wants something & he doesn’t have the money I still buy it for him..

Post # 8
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I wish you didn’t have to go through this–I know just how you feel.  Fiance and I have had 2 arguments over this very issue, and we finally wound up in couples’ therapy to work on how to make this better.  The problem we had was very similar; he just wouldn’t ask about a purchase if he knew I would disapprove and he really wanted it. I was all “if you really want it that much, talk about it and convince me!” We do share finances so it was a huge deal.

Since therapy, it’s gotten SO MUCH BETTER. If you can, I would definitely encourage you to take that route.  Finances are so important in your life, and it’s not going to get easier post-marriage.

Post # 9
748 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Keeping big items like this a secret is a problem, even if it is his money. It does effect you because it could effect the budget you have agreed upon for your wedding.

Post # 11
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

I think I agree more with @jenn6051. I buy things sometimes without telling my husband. Just today I dropped a bunch of money on boots and pants, and he doesn’t know at the moment. But it’s because seriously: what am I going to do, call him and say “Hey I bought fashionable accessories”–as if he cares to know that during his workday.

Like you, we pay the bills 50/50, so if I buy something, I dont see it as a huge deal provided that all of our bills and our savings goals are paid for that month. I would not expect him to tell me all his purchases either. I don’t think he’d be all that interested in a laundry list of what I bought or plan to buy–though we both usually end up mentioning whatever it is at some point anyway. (“By the way, I ordered this..so if we get a package on Saturday that’s what it is…”) In fact, sometimes I’ll be all “ooo i really wanted this handbag but i didn’t know if you’d be OK with it” and he’s like “why didn’t you buy it if you wanted it? I don’t really think it’s a big deal–or necessarily healthy–to control what your Fiance spends his money on, provided that your needs and goals are met.

The big thing though, is that neither of us is *hiding* these purchases from eachother. And, if your Fiance doesn’t have the money for this tool set (I know Snap-On tools particularly are expensive!!), and/or if he’s slacking on his bills or needing to borrow money from you because of it, then you have yourself a problem.


Edited to add, regarding the comment about his $500 paying for your flowers: did you ask him to contribute $500 for your flowers and he spent it on tools instead? Or is it just that you’re upset that he didn’t realize that the money could have really helped with the wedding? Men in particular often don’t realize the costs of weddings or the stress it can be financially — many need to be specifically told “I want you to spend x amount on these items for the wedding.” I know I have found myself frustrated with this at different times. Like, why did Mr. MJ go out and spend such-and-such amount on a new computer component? I could have bought those new curtains we’ve been wanting for the house with that money! (But really, I never asked him to set aside money for the curtains, so it wouldn’t occurred to him to do so because it’s not as big a priority to him, ya know?)

Post # 13
1174 posts
Bumble bee

@FallBride100111:It’s his money and you can’t control what he buys. The only thing you can ask is that you both contribute xxx amount of dollars to the wedding fund each month. Outside of bills and that agreement he is free to burn it in the fireplace if that makes him happy. He is your Fiance not your child and he does not have to ask for permission to spend his own money.

Post # 14
2166 posts
Buzzing bee

If he’s keeping up on his end of the bills, rent and savings, then I don’t think he needs to tell you a thing.

He probably didn’t tell you because he was afraid you’d harp on him maybe?

Post # 15
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My situation is the same with Maryjane , we don’t hide our purchases from one another.. Anytime I go out shopping or purchase something I always tell him what I’ve bought or if I’m thinking of getting something.. I bought a Coach purse during Christmas, I worked my butt off in over time though & told him from the get go I’d be buying myself that as a Christmas present to myself. He has no problem with that.. He feels like I do as long as our bills are paid then its okay.. But my situation is also a little different than yours because I’m not asking him to pay for anything except his suit for the wedding. The rest of it will mainly be coming out of my pocket and my dads. His mom is contributing a little money but not much. And he doesn’t make much extra so I’ve told him not to worry about sitting any side.

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