Just found out how much money he gives future MIL

posted 2 months ago in Married Life
Post # 136
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

One thing to add to this. It was her choice to retire at 62. When you start collecting  social security that early your benefits are reduced by 25 percent. Most people cannot retire at age 62 because of this. Even a part time job could make a difference here. I donn’ think you are wrong to questions here what is a LUXURY vs. NECESSITY. Her financial needs will only grow as she gets older. If she had no savings, 401k etc. she shouldn’t have retired yet. You have to set some boundary here. 

Post # 137
Member
565 posts
Busy bee

I mentioned your story to my husband today because it felt very familiar and here are a few thoughts:

– make sure you know everyone’s finances before getting married. Both him and his mom’s (because let’s face it, it’s a package deal). ESPECIALLY loans.

– In case you REALLY have to pay her 20% of your income, consider buying the place she lives in to build equity. It shouldn’t make a difference to her since she’s already dependent on her son and at least you’ll have something (the house can be sold if she needs more assistance when she’s older etc)

– if your fiance is impossible to negotiate with, take him to a financial advisor. Sometimes a stranger has more impact. 

Op I really hope you figure this out. I know how difficult this situation is, especially for the other spouse. Good luck!

 

Post # 138
Member
2492 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@ashleybbee:  I haven’t read any responses or updates because I wanted to remain neutral. So, my now husband was paying quite a few of my MIL’s bills when we moved in together. That’s a dealbreaker for me. It stopped almost immediately. And now, he’s more stingy than I am. 🤣 My thought process is that if our parents drain our resources now when they don’t really “need” help, we won’t have the resources to help later on when they actually need it. We are not American so it’s against our culture to utilize nursing homes so we are prepared to take on that responsibility later. However, we do not contribute to either set of our parents financially in any way now and we won’t until the time that they can no longer care for themselves. In the meanwhile, I need those years to get my degree, put my kids through private school and college, buy a house, save for retirement etc. If we can focus on building our own foundation without the distraction of paying other people’s bills now, we have the option to help later on. Hope that helps!

Post # 139
Member
1492 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

(I didn’t read all 10 pages) 

Are we talking $500 a month or $5,000 a month? I would expect him to start saving for his own family now! 

Post # 140
Member
1461 posts
Bumble bee

This would not work for me. Like, at all. 

– Even if there were cultural differences at play here (and OP has said that there aren’t), that doesn’t mean that you can’t enforce healthy boundaries. My in-laws are Indian and try to be way more involved than I’m comfortable with (stopping by unannounced, asking me super personal questions while pregnant, trying to dictate what improvements we make to our house). My husband has explained that it’s cultural, but that doesn’t change the fact that these behaviors will not work for me or our growing family long term. Thankfully he wholeheartedly agreed and we’ve since made it clear what is and is not ok, and our relationship is great. 

– I can’t imagine my mom intentionally retiring early, taking fewer benefits because of that, and then asking me for money as I begin to grow my own family. Both my parents and my husband’s parents worked hard to establish themselves and grow a retirement nest egg so that they could provide support to US as our family grows, not the other way around. I understand that many folks nearing retirement age aren’t in a position to do that for many reasons, but OP’s Mother-In-Law simply didn’t want to work any more – there’s a difference. She somehow thinks she’s still entitled to live a luxurious lifestyle which I don’t understand. I agree with other bees that she will continue to be a problem – this is just the first of many. 

– I’m of the opinion that OPs job doesn’t really matter (even though updates have shown that she works very hard as a preschool teacher and should be free from our judgment anyway). I agree that when you get married, your nuclear family is first. OP having to get crappy haircuts very well may turn into not having enough diapers, struggling to afford clothes, etc. That is simply not acceptable when OP and her husband don’t make enough to support the amount of the contribution in the first place.  Their expenses will only continue to grow. Whatever her job is or was, her fiancé knew that when he proposed – so that’s not fair either.  Is OP supposed to go out and get a second job so she and her husband can live the lifestyle they want because he insists on giving more money than they can afford to his mom? Come on now.

I seriously wish you luck OP, and I’m glad your husband is willing to discuss with a therapist. I hope you can work it out. I suggest you maintain a relationship with your therapist so that they’re on call when you inevitably experience additional problems with your Mother-In-Law. 

Post # 141
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

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@lisaeversman:  if I recall correctly, he is making 3800 per month, she is making 1500 or so, and he is giving the mothe 1000 per month. 

Post # 142
Member
13532 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@Daisy_Mae:  You say the OP had all the information she needed on the basis of her fiance’s current lifestyle. That’s not really true. His lifestyle is unsustainable if he can’t save any money and their mutual goals will likely require more money than he has or will have at this rate.  Unless something changes it will be difficult if not impossible to save for a house, children and a secure retirement. He knew that much and never said a word. 

We don’t know what this couple has in savings, but unless it’s a whole lot, even half the amount he’s giving his mother is unreasonable for someone with his income, just starting out. From what OP says, there is no reason her fiance’s mother can’t work. When that’s possible, she needs to go out and get a job, like almost all women her age who are not financially independent.  

Post # 143
Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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@krm1984:  Yes you said what I was trying to say perfectly. The word household was the word I was trying to think of. People were using the word entitled when it came to the wife but I think that’s an odd choice of words when it comes to a marriage. Of course a wife would be more “entitled” to the money than his mom it’s the household money. I’m not sure why people are painting the OP like some sort of crazy person to not expect 1000s upon 1000s of dollars to go to his perfectly able bodied mother who chose to retire early. 

This will ultimately effect their future together as a couple together in terms of children

Post # 144
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

I would sit him down and do the maths with your disposable income. I would not deal with Mother-In-Law, this never worked for me.

Is it realistic to buy a house ($$$) with 2200+1600$, and is it realistic to have a kid and a house ($$$$) with 2200+1600$-pay cut for maternity leave etc? 

Your money/ his money/ shared money doesn’t matter in this scenario, but you have to show him that he would put your dreams on hold for his mother. And if he doesn’t save for retirement, it’s likely that he will put your future children in the exact same position that you are in atm.

Post # 145
Hostess
4469 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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@soexcited123:  I agree.  I would never consider my husband a mooch for having the same lifestyle as me, his wife, as the breadwinner.  That’s bizarre.  

OP, I’m glad he’s willing to go to therapy to work on these issues.  I wish you the best.  

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