Just found out how much money he gives future MIL

posted 2 months ago in Married Life
Post # 76
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1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

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@ashleybbee:  She’ll never make it easy for him to free himself. I mean, her immediate reaction to his engagement was guilt-inspiring tears and a speech about herself and his money and her desire to hang onto it.

Post # 77
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1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

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@coffeecakez:  I was 76 when my father died and he was 103. I would not count on inheritance to get you through your golden years.

Post # 78
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

While I’m serial posting, get yourself to DWIL right away. They have seen it all, are very supportive, and will tell you the truth. And they will help you a lot while you’re looking for a financial counselor and a couple’s counselor. No way should your fiance talk with his mother about her budget before he’s talked with the former about how money works and the latter about how manipulative, guilt-inspiring mothers work. Meanwhile, DWIL–always open, never closed–immediate, realistic help. They could help him, too, but the two of you should have separate threads and disguised IDs.

Post # 79
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2283 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

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@ashleybbee:  I feel like him supporting his mom is what you’re marrying into. At this point his mom likely depends on his support and it would be cruel to take it away. I think it’s very culturally-based – supporting your parents. Personally I think it’s admirable, especially seeing as she raised him as a single mom. ETA: I saw your update about her character. It really helps to include this info from the get-go. I still think it owuld be unkind to cut her off, but I think you guys should go through some counseling – financial and otherwise – to come to a solution you’re both happy with.

Post # 79
Member
2283 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

duplicate

Post # 81
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10641 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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@cassandra7:  You were 76? How old are you now??

I knew we had some 50s + bees but didn’t realize we had anyone that much older in the group – that’s great! 

Post # 82
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9897 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@ashleybbee:  

One small ray of hopefulness l can see is that he told you about her response to the planned proposal. Unless he phrased it as ‘poor mum she was so frightened and l reassured her ‘ then he must have at least an inkling that the response was not really acceptable and that he expected you to be rightly alarmed by it. 
The hope part for me was that it might mean he is open to conversations about how this is might be changed in future, things like looking into any government aid . Idk that he is ever going to pay her nothing…..and you need to be sure what you are ok with. 
Not a good situation dear OP, l do hope you can sort it before the wedding. 

 

 

 

Post # 83
Member
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

This is definitely a Dh issue. While as a parent I’d never accept money from a child, generally speaking, no one would want that amount of money to go away. And you can complain about her guilt trips, but it is ultimately your Dh/fiance who started this and wants to continue it. He may be very resistant to stopping because it could permanently alter their relationship. 

Think long and hard about whether you want to come between them (and have her forever blame you for anything wrong in her life).

Post # 84
Member
1884 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

When you line up counseling I think you should go in there with some goals. 

– to get on the same page about finances

– review what you each think the role of a wife and husband is and make sure you have the same expectations for each other. 
– what are the priorities in the new family you are creating? Who comes first for both of you? How do in laws on both sides fit into it. 
– how do decisions get made? 
– what things are private and only discussed as a couple? For example, your medical info is private and not to be shared with mil ( this is mostly for if you have kids and how to share pregnancy info and how your appointments and medical info is private) you two don’t discuss your finances with mil aka she doesn’t need to know how much money you two make. Decisions are made before they are announced they aren’t discussed before hand with mil. 

make a list of your goals and fiancé should too and your counselor should hit each one in your sessions. DWIL is a great place to get info on what you are up against with mil. Their advice while good can be firm. To get help it’s best to ask them as specific a question as possible and ask for how to deal with certain things. Tell them what you need from them. 

Post # 85
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think this is definitely a cultural thing. I am an immigrant although I’ve lived in the US for most of my life, and in my culture one takes care of their parents when they are older. I support my mother, and my husband knows this and encourages it and I am so grateful to him that he never makes me feel bad about it, even thought he is Caucasian and doesn’t have the same cultural references I have. We live a very good life, and can easily afford the money I give my mother without affecting our finances which is thanks to my husband as he makes the bulk of the money.

Post # 86
Member
1884 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@echomomm:  but mil can only blame op if her fiancé lets her. That’s why we are saying this is a fiancé problem. If fiancé is happy to back Op and tell his mom no than it should be fine, but if fiancé doesn’t stand up for Op and tell his mom that she isn’t ever to speak badly of his wife etc. then that leaves op exposed to mil’s behavior. 

I guess I’m saying sure, mil can blame op all she wants. But if her fiancé from the start makes it clear to his mom that op comes first, and all decisions are made as a couple than mil can’t just blame Op. fiancé needs to say “we” wirh every boundary he gives his mom. If fiancé sticks up for Op in the right way than his mom will learn that disrespecting Op means she is cut off, or seen less, or whatever consequence there is for her badmouthing Op. 

 

example, 

mil: you weren’t like this before SHE came along! She is ruining our relationship! 

fiance: mom, she is going to be my wife, and I will not tolerate any badmouthing of her. All our decisions we make together. If you want to be in our lives you need to speak about and to her respectfully. 

mil: But wahhh she wants to live a high life on your money and leave me to pay my own way it’s not fair you promised! 

fiancé: I made my position clear. If you feel the need to keep badmouthing her I am going to have to get off the phone, or take a break from seeing you until you find a way to be kind. 

Post # 87
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

This is something I’ve discussed with my own serious boyfriend, as his mother has had serious health issues (she recently had a leg amputated, unfortunately). 

I think your fiancé should first set down boundaries with his mother. Her reaction to the news of an impending wedding was wildly innapropriate and she needs to understand and comes to terms with the fact that he’ll have different priorities now. 

I also think that it’s completely appropriate that you ask your fiancé to scale the contribution back. I’m not sure what your future MILs living expenses are, but I’d have him do the math on what she gets with a pension (etc). If there’s anything left over she needs for basic living, like car insurance, that can be a monthly thing. Then I’d pick a sane number above and beyond what she needs for necessities so she can treat herself, but it needs to be under 1k/month, and hopefully fairly substantially. 

If that means she can only get massages every other month, or something of the like, then so be it. Massages are a luxury and not in the bracket of what I would classify as a reasonable treat or self care that needs to happen every month when coming out of someone else’s pocket. 

Ultimately your fiancé needs to look out for the future. What if his mother gets sick or disabled and will really need money then to be put into a good-quality assisted living sitiation? What if one or both of you gets into an accident? If you want kids, are you going to be able to save for a college fund? 

Post # 88
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1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

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@slomotion:  Seventy-eight.

Post # 89
Member
10641 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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@cassandra7:  That’s so cool! I hope you don’t take that the wrong way, I just think it’s neat that we have so many different perspectives from so many different generations. 

Post # 90
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

I agree that it’s great to have all sorts of various perspectives on the board. I just hope I don’t run into “She’s a million years old–what could she know?”

Nice of you to think it’s cool.

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