Just found out how much money he gives future MIL

posted 2 months ago in Married Life
Post # 91
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

To me, this would not be a “deal breaker” as some previous posters mentioned. However, I think this is important for you two to discuss as a couple before getting married, since his money will be your money (I am team joint finances if you couldn’t tell). Giving a substanial amount consistently is something both of you have to be comfortable with, or else resentment will build. Also, if you decide to reduce or stop paying, I would have an open and honest conversation with the mother about your reasons. If she holds you to it, thats a whole other can of worms. 

Post # 92
Member
6139 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

I think this could definitely be a cultural thing? 1k a month is a bit much though , would he consider giving her 750-800 for now while you save for a house/wedding, etc? I wouldn’t tell him to cut her off.

Post # 93
Member
1427 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
@cassandra7:  I’m so happy your family has such long lives! What a blessing!

OP and her husband definitely shouldn’t forego their own retirement planning to provide for mom- I asked about the other assets because there may be other variables in play that may change the way OP views this arrangement. 

Post # 94
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

My urgent advice is to never, ever count on money from anyone or anything until the check clears in your account. Especially with inheritance (or money for your wedding, as has been noted on this board a thousand times)–easy to promise, not always so easy to write it down in the will or hand it over for the caterer. My father’s will, for example, bore absolutely no resemblance to his promises. Good thing we didn’t trust his promises.

Post # 95
Member
565 posts
Busy bee

“when he told he her was going to propose, apparently she started to cry and immediately said something to the effect of oh no you two are going to get married and want a big wedding (which we don’t, we are planning to elope or a small immediate family only wedding) and you won’t give me money anymore and he had to calm her down and reassure her that he will still give her money.”

 

 

Op if that’s what she really said, you should seriously think about your future with this man. I’m not saying break up with him, but keep in mind that parents like this don’t let go easily. She will use every trick she knows to manipulate her son until she gets what she wants. Forget your own retirement savings, a college fund for your kids or any extras, it will be a priority to give it to mom. 20% is massive, especially with your income. If your fiance was making 200k a year maybe that would be a different story, but that looks insane to me. As I mentioned before, setting financial boundaries with my own mother was the emotionally hardest thing I ever did. And I WANTED to do it. If he thinks it’s all good and normal, he’ll never change his mind.

Post # 96
Member
743 posts
Busy bee

You are begrudging pedicures? For what it’s worth I make a bit money money then my husband and we both have joint account for expenses and otherwise our own accounts. We both have shared and individual saving goals but after that our money is our own. I do help my parents out, they worked really hard to help me while I was in college, they did not enjoy their life at all so their kids can go to school etc.  He also helps his mom out since she is a single mom as well. 

Post # 97
Member
13536 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
@ashleyroo:  Frankly, an occasional manicure is far more in line with what this couple can actually afford to gift. But you’re missing the point. 1K a month invested over time is an entire retirement down the drain for this couple. 

I agree with PPs that no one should ever count on an inheritance. If she owns her home, FI’s mother could easily take money out as a home equity loan or a reverse mortgage and spend it all. 

Post # 98
Member
1615 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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@mrsssb:  Yup this! It’s a completely different story if his mom is disabled where she can’t work and OP’s fiance offers to help out. but a big nope to simply subsidizing her lifestyle while his WIFE is going without like she mentioned. So mommy gets pedis and manis and poor OP is sacrificing and having to get cheap haircuts nope not ok at all. Before anyone attacks me I’m not saying her husband should completely stop giving his mom money but I think it needs to be cut back assuming his mom doesn’t have some sort of illness/disability preventing her from earning money. I think going to a financial counselor is a great idea like several PPs suggested. Helping out a sickly parent is one thing simply playing sonsband to fund your mother’s lifestyle while your wife sacrifices is another. Also, i apologize in advance if this sounds harsh but choosing to have a child shouldn’t make you financially indebted to your parent forever. Raising your child isn’t something that should be rewarded if you give birth that’s kinda the expectation that goes along with it.

I even saw one or two posters say well if they decide it is their separate money what makes OP (the wife) more entitled to that money than his mom well for starters that question boggled me because it’s his wife of course she would be more entitled to that money if anything. They have their lives together, live together, raise a family together. That money effects the spouse more than anything. Also, am shocked to see someone say they would drop their spouse and always choose their parent over them if they took issue with them because they knew their parent longer, WTH? Isn’t it leave and cleave that once married that person becomes the next of kin your main family? Knowing someone longer shouldn’t make them more important. That’s kinda weird thinking.

 

Also I never understood the sentiment I see expressed on here a lot of well they were doing it before the relationship therefore you have no say which is so false IMO.  Being in a serious relationship especially a married one is a game changer and there are things that may have been acceptable when you were single to do that you can’t continue after you are in a relationship. 

Post # 99
Member
1615 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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@nattywed:  Well personally I think that a big red flag and part of the problem which many people are failing to see he wasnt forward with OP about how much he was giving his mother. It shouldn’t have taken a few months until the marriage for him to disclose that info. That’s something that should have been discussed once he realized the relationship was gonna be a serious long term one. 

Also, its his wife it shouldn’t leave a “bad taste” in his mouth to expect that money goes towards their marriage before a parent. Maybe it’s a cultural thing or what not but to me a marriage is a team a partnership and even if it is not “my” money in the sense I literally earned it, of course at the end of the day it is gonna effect the spouse the most because it is less money going towards the marriage or household. Think about it who is considered next od kin in the case of a death spouse or parent? Spouse.

Post # 100
Member
1615 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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@coffeeeee:  Damn that was rude. Way to make a complicated nuanced situation seem so easy.

Post # 101
Member
1615 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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@dsaasd:   But that’s just the point its his wife who is making significantly less that makes it even worse that his own wife has to go without while his able bodied mom gets a shit ton of money each month. So your analogy didn’t make sense in this case. If his wife made a lot than your analogy would apply.

Post # 102
Member
752 posts
Busy bee

Really sticky wicket you’re on and I don’t envy you at all.

You need to ask your man what his plan is long term for providing for his ma. Chances are he’ll say it’ll be fine! We can afford everything we want to do.

However you’ll probably just resent her and it’ll cause issues between you for a long time.

I don’t know if he’ll budge on his set up with mum. He may see it that she’s always been a permanent fixture in his life and always will be whereas we know partners come and go therefore it’s not something he’s willing to compromise on for a spouse.

Who knows? I’m only guessing as you haven’t had the chat you really need to have. 

Not an easy one but it needs to be done before you get married.

Post # 103
Member
1615 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

View original reply
@MeandYou:  This is his wife though that’s more of a permanent fixture. If this was just a girlfriend I would tend to agree but if your wife isn’t important enough to make a compromise for then I guess that person isn’t ready for marriage IMO. I don’t know why I’m seeing this theme on here of the parents are more important than spouse

Post # 104
Member
743 posts
Busy bee

I think the wife also has the ability to earn more money if she likes. I think people forget that our parents did not think of retirement like we do. For example after our bills were paid my parents did not have anything left to save for retirement and a lot of people are like that. social security also covers so much so these parents do depend on their kids for support.

i think it’s easy to have this attitude specially on wedding bee where a lot of people are more on then higher earning spectrum but that’s not reality. Social security was only built to supplement end of life for few years but now life expectancy has far out grown social security not to mention things have gotten more expensive but social security has not grown. People who were not able to save for retirement just simply can not live just off of social security. Now if the son did not make enough money on his own as well then it would be one thing, op was perfectly ok with the arrangement prior to engagement and the amount of money he brought to the table. 

it’s really up to them how much they contribute to mil but at the end of the day there are loads of parents who will need kids help financially simply because when they were earning they did not make enough after bills to even think of retirement. Does that mean that these parents should not even be able to have a peaceful retirement at all because they prioritized their kids and their bills? 

Post # 105
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

Some of the responses in this thread are disappointing and narrow-minded. There are a lot of different cultures out there where supporting your parents is the norm. Independence is too important for you? Great, that doesn’t mean that it’s not for people who grew up in an entirely different culture to you. You don’t have to agree with it, but you don’t need to be judging OP’s husband or future Mother-In-Law for it.

Even at his age, my father still supports his parents financially because that’s just Chinese culture. My parents spent half their life in a western country so their view to this is slightly different – but do I have an issue giving a portion of my pay to my parents? Absolutely not. Does my English partner care or judge me for this or think less of my parents? Also absolutely not.

I’m not saying this is what’s happening here – I just felt the need to post this as a response to some (not all) posters who are of the belief my way = nothing else is acceptable and not independent. 

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