(Closed) Just found out I’m having a shower after all…but what are invite rules?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden

Hm, I am little torn.  I think I would say first, if it is important to your fiance, you should probably invite them.  Do you think they will actually come?  However, if you really want the emphasis to be on friends, and the only other relatives who will be there are moms and aunts, I would say it would not be rude to not invite those other relatives.  The most important thing here seems to me to make sure that your fiance is on the same page!

Post # 4
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I am not the best person about this, I don’t know the official rules. 

First, here is what we are doing:

We are doing two showers.  My moms friend is throwing me one for all the adult women.  This includes all of my family members as well (even out of town).  My BM’s are also throwing us one more for our friends on the guest list.  I have a lot of friends that are out of town but we will still invite them so they feel included. Between the two showers, all of the female wedding invitees will be invited to a shower. 

Second, thinking logically:

If it is a huge burden on your BM’s I would say no, don’t invite them as long as it doesn’t cause a rift in your FIL’s family.  Maybe this can be less of a shower and more like a bridal party get together.  It sounds like adding these extra relatives would almost double the numbers for the shower and that is hard. I would say you don’t HAVE to invite the extra family members.


If it were me, I would include everyone and see if the BM’s can do something cheaper.  Maybe they can use someones home and re-create a tea party like setting.   Part of the shower is to help you get to know your new relatives. 

Post # 6
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

If there aren’t any options for a cheaper shower than I would suggesttalking to your Fiance and Future Mother-In-Law.  Maybe describe to her that due to budgets your bridesmaids (who are being very generous as it is) can only afford to invite x # of guests and this does not inclued the 7-9 extra guests.  Is there a possibility she would step forward and offer to pay the extra cost for those guests? 

As I said before, as long as it doesn’t cause major conflict between you and your Fiance and/or new IL’s then it should be fine not inviting the extra female relatives.  Keep it a small intimate group. 

Post # 7
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I agree with caszos. It sounds like the big problem here is the funding, which is totally understandable. I would just tell your Fiance that and see what he says. Maybe his mom will offer to poney up for her extra guests.

OR, she could host her own shower for you. More than one shower is not uncommon.

Post # 8
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Maybe your bridesmaids can reach out to your future mother in law for help with the shower, maybe she can help pay a share of the costs so that you can invite those relatives.

Post # 9
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

If your BMs are hosting the shower I would perhaps ask them what the guest # cap is at. Since they will be splitting the costs of it you shouldn’t invite more than they can afford? Know what I mean?

SO excited for you!

Post # 11
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

First, I think you probably do need to invite FI’s female relatives as a courtesy.  They probably expect to be invited, and you don’t want to cause any issues.  However, if the cost of the shower would be too much for your BM’s to host on their own, then is it possible for Future Mother-In-Law or an auntie to help co-host?  Maybe Fiance can call up his mom and mention that you would love to have the female family members there, but your BMs can only put XX amount towards the shower and see what Future Mother-In-Law says.  Maybe she will offer to help on her own?  If your Future Mother-In-Law is anything like mine, she is probably dying to help with something anyway and maybe you can put her in touch with your Bridesmaid or Best Man so that she can assist them.

Or, does anyone (FMIL, aunt, cousin) have a larger space that your BMs can host the shower at?  A common room or anything in their building?  Or can your Bridesmaid or Best Man find a place where you can bring in your own snacks?  I’m just trying to think of ways to bring the cost down and still be able to accomodate more people.  You don’t have to provide a full meal- light snacks and dessert/punch is perfectly acceptable. 


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