(Closed) Just found out MIL hates me, HELP!

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow! Just wow! I’m so sorry she’s doing that to you. I mean you could call and make her tell you all these things. I would probably have a list ready, and all the things you have tried to do. I would approach it as “I’m sorry you feel this way, but I want you to know that htis is absolutely not true. I do care about you and your family.” Tell her, I have done x,y,and z. What would show you that I care? Maybe sending her a letter might be better?

Sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 4
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Kill her with kindness!!  You have already done a great job of it thus far.  It works everytime. Continue to act like you do… maybe after the next time you see her…call her afterwards and ask for the recipe she used in whatever she made. 

Post # 5
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I say don’t make it a bigger issue than it is. The woman is clearly (clearly) unreasonable, so you aren’t going to win this by reasoning with her. Be polite when you see her and their family, be friendly and have nice manners, and leave as soon as you politely can.

You aren’t going to win this with words, she is clearly alienating her son as well, and you aren’t the person to change/control/improve their relationship.

Be the lovely person you are, and always remember to bring a good bottle of wine or a good cocktail to family events. It will make it all a bit more pleasant for you.

Good luck, and try not to take it personally. She is crazy, you are fabulous.

Post # 6
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

kill her with kindness! there’s no use in bringing any of this up — any confrontation by you will just make things much worse. she is clearly crazy, so try not to take it personally.

Post # 7
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Also – i think avoiding the conversation completely might be easier.  She seems a tad delusional.

Post # 8
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I would just go on about my business and not let it bother me one bit. If you know that you have made an effort and are not deserving of this treatment and these accusations, then just rest easy in that knowledge. You cannot control what others think of you, period. You can treat them nicely and be respectful and helpful, but if they choose to ignore that and attribute negative  feelings to you, then that is their choice.

I would just continue to be myself and I would be cordial to her, but not go out of my way to please her. Either she’ll come around or she won’t , but you need to be focused on your marriage and not let her ridiculous rant affect you.

 

Best of luck to you!

Post # 9
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I am so sorry you’re going through this.

Pretend it didn’t happen. Make pleasant small talk, then find somethng else to do–busy yourself in the kitchen, talk to someone else, anything. Or find an excuse to leave early–you feel sick, you left the stove on, etc.

You’re in a no win situation, so make it as easy on yourself as possible. If she complains, then you say something to her.

 

Post # 10
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree about killing with kindness.  Don’t lie about anything or inconvenience yourself for her, but definitely keep doing what you are doing and asking for recipes and cooking for my Future In-Laws has gotten me in so good with them I’m already in the family pictures (and they were taken before we got engaged).

Post # 13
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I would mention to her that I saw her e-mail and felt hurt that she didn’t come to me with her problems. That puts you as the bigger person.

Post # 14
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Well it doesn’t sound like she is the most rational person to work something like this out fairly. So I wouldn’t try to tell her she’s wrong. I’d honestly kill her with kindness. Don’t admit to doing anything wrong, but say you’re sorry if she felt left out during the wedding planning process, or if she feels like you don’t care about her. Ask her to meet up more often, maybe come over for dinner so you can get to know each other better.

Because honestly as rude as it was for her to demand guests be invited to your shower then sit in the corner and be anti-social, it was still your obligation to socialize with them. So you can take SOME of the blame. And a good way to meet in the middle now is to reach out and try to establish a relationship with her. You don’t have to become best friends, but make an effort to spend time together more often and be involved in her life.

Post # 15
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

It certainly doesn’t seem that this is about you, so don’t let it get to you. She clearly has issues.

I agree completely with the “kill her with kindness” approach. If nothing else, it will make it obvious to everyone around her that she is the unreasonable one, and you can stand tall knowing you are the bigger person.

It takes time and patience, but I have found that being consistent in that approach will eventually “break” even the most bitter person. They just can’t bring themselves to continue being mean in the face of constant kindness and generosity (well, unless they’re completely delusional/paranoid/mentally ill, anyway).

Good luck, and hopefully your FH stands behind you 100%!

Post # 16
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i agree, i would avoid mentioning the email and just kill her with kindness. and be thankful you don’t see her too often! what does your husband think about the email? how does he feel about his mom?

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