(Closed) Just found out my husbands sexual past, and she’s our friend!

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 123
Member
7329 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m not seeing the issue here. If it were me, I wouldn’t consider it a big deal. 

You obviously live in a town where your Fiance grew up, which means that there are bound to be ex’s floating around. If they have managed to maintain a friendship for the past 20 years, which you now share, I’m not seeing the problem. What is he supposed to do, inform you of every person you meet around town that he had a relationship with 20 years ago because at some point they *may* become a friend? 

I’m sure the OP’s feelings are hurt – she got blindesided by info that, let’s be honest, no one wants to hear about their spouse. That being said, I think don’t think it’s a big deal and is making a mountain out of a mole hill. 

ETA: We double posted so I’m glad it all worked out for you.

Situations like this are kind of the curse of living in the town one of you grew up in. ๐Ÿ˜‰ FWIW, my BFF is married to her HS sweetheart. They started dating right after he graduated (we were a couple of years behind). His high school girlfriend has been dating one of his (and our) mutual friends ever since then and they are now married. BFF, the old girlfriend, and myself are actually all really good friends as of recently. At first we weren’t sure how awkward it would be to have her DH’s ex around, but honestly, it was 10 years ago and we’re all adults. 

Post # 124
Member
13561 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@CountryGirl5:  So glad to hear you’re feeling better and you’ve talked to your husband. He sounds like a great guy, and now you can both get past this little bump…together. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 125
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think I would bring it up again, just try to hold back your anger.  You can’t be mad that it happened.  And unless he knows everything that happened in your past, you can’t hold him accountable for that either.  However, the fact that she brought it up (10 years after you have been married) means that she still thinks about it.  I would be more concerned about that.  If he doesn’t want to talk, maybe you should go to her and ask why she brought it up after all these years.

Post # 126
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

To me it doesn’t matter how long ago it was, he should’ve told you to begin with.  Its really embarrassing to find out through someone else.  Its not really about what went on anymore, because when something like this happens and he didn’t tell you, it makes you wonder what else there would be.  He needs to know you need to know those things and it wouldn’t be a big deal, that way if anyone says anything like that girl did, you can be like “I already know and I don’t care” instead of “what?!” and have that girl smugly know that there are secrets your husband is keeping from you ๐Ÿ™

Post # 127
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
@CountryGirl5:  I’m glad you’re feeling better. It’s good to talk things out and get things solved like that. It’s great that you’re letting it go. Letting things go and finding inner peace is the only way to move on from the situation and allow yourself to be happy. Good for you. <3 

@BearcatBetch: you’re coming off as really snarky and irritated. If the posters on this board are annoying you so much perhaps you should leave it alone for a little bit. This isn’t a snarky comment, just a literal suggestion, you sound extremely agitated. 

Post # 128
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t buy it really, if she thought you knew then why say to your husband “does your wife know about us” and then he said “no, it was 20 years ago”

That clearly states that she didn’t know if you knew or not, and then your husband made her aware that you didn’t know. I’m not really trying to start anything at all, I just cant (even in my own relationships) look away from a blantant lie/ or maybe mistake and not try to rectify it with that person.

I’m glad you and your husband are on the same page though! It sounds like you guys communicate really well together.

Post # 129
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I wouldn’t be mad at my husband, he obviously was past it-either didn’t remember it much or care enough about her to hang onto it.  He can’t help what happened in the past and if you didn’t ask him specifically or have a “well let’s name names” conversation and he left it out, he’s not at fault.  Doesn’t make it suck less though!  Sorry you are dealing with this, it stings.

BUT.  big BUT.  The woman, on the other hand, would be the focus of my irritiation.  First of all, she is completely disrespectful to you even bringing that up–what possible benefit could there have been by doing that?  It just seems like a bitchy, immature thing to do and almost like fishing to see if your husband told you so she can have a “secret” to savor with him for some twisted reason to make herself feel good.   The words she used, “your wife” (depersonalizes you) and “know about US” (making the two of them a unit vs you and your hubby) are what triggers me the most. Sorry if that sounds over the top but I just don’t get why she had to say anything at all.  Anyone with an ounce of class and respect would have just kept their mouth shut, ESPECIALLY with you there–I find it highly suspect that she didn’t want you to “accidentally” overhear it.

I don’t mean to stir it up but really, I’d be pissed at her (in my head anyway).   I would put it aside, get over it quickly (because if she was trying to get under your skin I wouldn’t ever want to give her the satisfaction–and kudos to you for keeping your temper until you were out of her sight) and make sure my hubby knew I wasn’t mad at him.  He obviously put her in the past and you should too–don’t give her another moment of your time.  When you run into her, remember that he married YOU!

All of FI’s friends are “our” friends now–and most of his friends are from childhood so I’m sure there are a few he’s dated–I don’t know who, and DO NOT want to know.  I don’t see any point in knowing the down and dirty details if he dated anyone I am going to be socializing with! I really don’t care what happened before me, only what happens/will happen since we were together. 

Post # 130
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I just had the exact same situation! I found this post through a Google search, and I have to say – the posts helped me out, too. In my case, there were four women that are still in our lives, and he didn’t tell me about (he used to work at a bar, and that’s normal there, I guess). I was mad at him for misrepresenting them to me; I invited them over, did business with them, had them babysit … and I felt like a fool when I found out. I am mad at the girls, because I would have just backed off when my one-night stand/friend got into a serious relationship (and not urged a friendship with me – it just seems deceiving), and I am very upset with him for not telling me. He didn’t need to tell me everything, just that there was a history there. It’s about trust, and I never would have done that to him. I presented it to him as how he would feel to find out that I had slept with one (or four) guys he hung out with, and never told him.

I think this is a big deal, about trust. He knew information that everyone knew except me, and as such, did not protect me or put my interests ahead of others’. You can’t tell me that it didn’t cross all their minds when we were all together, and I just stupidly cracked jokes and invited them over again. BUT, and this is a big BUT, my husband has acknowledged how I feel, and apologized (and I think he should – for reasons above, and NOT for his past), and I have decided to forgive him and trust him. I love him and that’s that. But thanks for posting this in the first place, it’s helped me a lot and I just want to let you know that you’re not alone – I fully understand.

Post # 131
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

This exact situation also happened to me and it broke my heart. I am not mad at my boyfriend, but the fact that I was in the dark with it for our entire relationship made me feel like a fool. This is a girl that is like a sister to my boyfriend, so I never ever suspected anything whatsoever. She would always be over to our (my boyfriends) house hanging out with him downstairs at his business. I know I can always trust my boyfriend and I know there is no feelings whatsoever, but still. I have hung out with this girl one on one and she comments on every single Facebook status I post (literally). I found out about two months ago and think about it every single day, since I threw a glass and look at the dent it left in the kitchen floor every day (soooo out of character for me but it was like a stab in the heart). She has been out of town since I found this out so I have yet to deal with my feelings when I see her face to face. I will not bring up the fact that I know, nor will my bf, but I am sure I will not be the same towards her. I also don’t know how I will handle when she gets back in town and walks on in the house and downstairs with my bf like she always does. I can’t be mad at my bf nor can I hold it against him, and I don’t, but nothing will stop the pain in my heart when I think of the two of them together. This happened 10 or 15 years ago, way before we even knew each other existed, and I know he had no reason to tell me but being blind sided by it feels so crappy!!! Im glad I found this post, and while I’m proud of myself for not being mad, I hope some day I can get over the hurt. I am thinking tho that I will not even begin to be able to get past it until I see her in person and judge my feelings. Oh my ๐Ÿ™ 

 

Post # 132
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

The fact that this woman called to make sure you werent mad at your husband is upsetting. Seriously? She should be worried that you’re upset at her. Instead she is worrying on behalf of your husband. That would make me wonder what she is up too.

I would have answered the phone with, yes hubby and I are great. However you need to let go of the past, its been 20 years.

There is no justification whatsoever for her to be asking does your wife know about us. If she came back into your lives 5 years ago that might have been something she would have asked him then not now five years later.

Some women cant help themselves. Maybe her marriage is lacking at home and she wants to connect on some level with your DH. Hopefully your DH is smart enough to steer clear.

 

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