(Closed) Just found out SIL and her hubby are trying for a baby – totally torn…

posted 7 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would just try to drop the competitiveness – DH’s younger sister was married 2 year before us and now has a one year old, but we aren’t ready to start TTC. We’re taking our time and enjoying things at our own pace, and having fun playing with our nephew while doing it. Your child will still be plenty special, and racing to be ‘first’ is a very bad idea. I think really you already know that though and are just struggling with the feelings anyway. I’d say the best way to look at it is that your future child will have a cousin close in age to play with and look up to, and you will have the opportunity to learn from your FSIL’s experiences with the baby.

ETA: I totally agree with AmeliaBedelia’s POV and honestly how she feels is probably how Future Sister-In-Law would feel if she knew you were ‘gutted’ over the happy event of them deciding to have children. You need to get over the need to be first before it starts bad blood between you and your Future Sister-In-Law.

Post # 4
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I really don’t know what to tell you other than to sort of sympathize. My step-sister has been married for two years, they are older than us, but they are much less mature than us (I realize that’s judgmental, but oh well. I believe it.) When she found out I had fertility issues she seemed almost HAPPY that we wouldn’t be able to compete with them. It was devastating to me and I harbor a lot of ill will towards her for that, I’ll admit.

Fiance and I have talked about starting TTC next summer (a lot due to the fertility issues) and when step-sister found out she made a stink about “wanting to be the first to make a grandchild.” I was like…well then get on it. I don’t care when you have a baby in comparison to me. But I was QUITE angry that she thinks we would wait just to please her even after we’re married. Almost as if she’s got “seniority.” That’s possibly how your SIL reacted to you guys “catching up.” *rolls eyes*

Anyways. Lol. I just think it’s totally awkward to have the competitive atmosphere at all related to babies and I’m sorry that you feel that way with your SIL too! It’s not fun, so I sympathize.

Post # 5
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Focus on the wedding planning, might not be the best advice but it sure helps me when I’m ansious about other things.

This is not the right time for you to have a baby, but when the times comes it’ll be amazing and wonderful and no one will be able to take that away from you, but right now it’s time for you to get married =). Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

I think you should just be happy for them. 

Post # 7
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m a few years away from being in a place to have kids, but just to throw in my own experience… I have two other cousins around my age, I am about a month apart from the others respectively and we are from my dad’s side of the family. It was a little weird growing up around my aunt, because she felt my other cousin and I stole her thunder from her son – not to mention she always made it clear she wanted a girl, and she got a son while my other aunt and my dad had girls. Anyways, both of my cousins are lovely and it was great having family around the same age as myself. Everytime I go back to visit the states I usually visit my guy cousin – he’s a great, even if I did steal his thunder by being born a month aferwards 😉

I realize you are human and it’s normal to be competitive with your siblings, but I would really keep this one to yourself. In the long run no one will care who came first. Not only will you be an aunt, but your future child will come into the world having cousins. I think that is pretty cool. 

Post # 8
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Unfortunately, this is life. There will always be someone with something or doing something else you want to be doing or want to have. Your turn will come.

If she does get pregnant before you, think of all the knowledge you will get about pregnancy and babies, plus you might get hand me downs which will save you and Darling Husband when it’s your time!

Post # 9
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My Future Sister-In-Law is getting married in March next year and is desperate to start a family… When her brother anounced he and his gf were pregnant about 2 years ago she was absolutely livid, saying things like “I bet you didn’t think your youngest would be the first to have a baby” etc etc. I guess there’s something to say about the so called pecking order but jealousy doesn’t look good on anybody. Enjoy your little niece or nephew when and if they come.. but remember your Mother-In-Law won’t love them anymore or less than your future LO and it’s going to be exciting no matter what- coz they’ll be YOURS!!

Take a step back and enjoy your own journey- you’re about to be married!! Live in your moment =)

Post # 10
Member
4354 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I too am in the same boat regarding just waiting for the wedding in order to TTC, and funny enough I am just getting married the day before you haha. While I’m in no way competing with Future Brother-In-Law & Future Sister-In-Law, they just announced they are preganant with their second. I am somewhat jealous that they are having another already and I was hoping somehow we’d get to be pregnant around the same time or that we could have the next grandchild. None the less very happy for them and to have a new niece or nephew… maybe I’ll catch them if they have #3 around the time we have our first to be able to be pg or on mat leave at the same time.

One thing I do know is grandparents get just as excited no matter how many/what order the grandbabies come in. Would your baby be a first for your side of the family? Perhaps that is something to look forward to?

 

Post # 11
Member
6019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

One thing I can say in regards to babies is that no matter if its the first or the second or the third or if its at the same time as someone else or after or before, everyone will still be just as excited for you.

Another thing to consider, and im only playing devil’s advocate here, is that maybe all the talk of you wanting to have a baby planted the seed and got them thinkingtalking about it more. Its completely possible this isnt something they are doing on purpose to try and one up you or beat you to it. But I can see that if a history of being competitive is there how this would seem to be the logical first thought. As far as having the first grandchild, the grandparents are going to be happy regardless so i wouldnt stress about it too much. You may not end up having the first grandchild but it will be a first for you and your husband and that is special regardless of if your SILBIL have 1 kid already or 5.

Enjoy every moment of this special time and focus on your and your (soon to be)  new husband. One thing I know for sure is that as soon as that baby (whether its yours or theirs or both) is here, nothing else matters and none of this will matter, all that will matter is those little ones and how adorable they are!

Post # 12
Member
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I agree with a PP.  You need to be happy for them.  Your SIL and her husband, or anyone else for that matter, aren’t going to base their family plans on you, and you shouldn’t base yours on them.  It’s petty.  I know what competition between siblings and inlaws feels like…I’m pretty sure its a normal human response…but you need to overcome it and not let it get the best of you.  Everything in its own time, embrace it.

Post # 13
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I understand why this would make you feel a little down, but when life gives you lemons you need to make lemonade. Remember that you aren’t the only couple that deserves the spotlight and there’s actually a lot of good that can come of this situation. And don’t forget, just because they are the ‘first’ in your DH’s family doesn’t mean your future baby will be any less special. It’s better to do it in time when you’re ready than try to rush and ‘beat’ someone else.

Post # 14
Member
7606 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You know, I was just thinking about this today.  Out of 3 couples (ourselves, FI’s sister, and FI’s cousin) who are all soon to be married (2 weddings in June and one probably the following year), I wonder who will have the joy of bringing the first grandchild to both sets of grandparents.  It will probably be us, but I thought about it, would I be upset if FI’s sister called me today and announced she is pregnant (her wedding won’t be until the following year, but obviously you can get pregnant without being married!)?  I don’t think I would be any less happy for them or any less excited about TTC ourselves next year.  Just be happy for them and hope that your little ones will grow up being close in age and good friends!

Plus – won’t you still be the first to bring your own parents a grandchild?  I may have misread what you wrote, but I understood that no one had kids yet.

Post # 15
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

just try to think of it this way: no matter if she has the first grandchild/ren, when you do get pregnant it will still be you and DH’s first baby and there is nothing more exciting than that! focus on the family you’ll create in time with your Darling Husband, instead of your extended family.

Post # 16
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I thnk what you are feeling is very normal, especially since things have always been a little competitive between you and them. However, I think the biggest factor will be between feeling what you are feeling, and acting on what you are feeling. It’s ok if you feel these things, but it’s probably best if you keep these feelings to yourself.

If they announce they are pregnant, ACT like you are happy for them even if you aren’t… and then when that little baby is born, you will be so excited to be an aunt and you will love him/her so much.

And when it is your time, it will still be special! Your parents and his parents will be excited for YOUR first baby… there’s nothing like it!

Also, sometimes it’s good to be the second one. Maybe she’ll lend you her maternity clothes and baby clothes/toys. 

I know it can be very difficult. Give yourself time to pout if it does happen, but don’t let her know your feelings!!!! GOOD LUCK!

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