(Closed) Just found out we are pregnant…what to do

posted 6 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 77
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@pierce8:  I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’m young (just turned 22), I’m 33 weeks pregnant. At first, it was scary because I felt like I would miss out on my life. I’ll tell you what though, my baby isn’t even born yet and just feeling her movements has made my life better than it could have ever possibly been otherwise.

I’m a strong believer in believing that things will work out and seeing it actually happen. I don’t think we are put into situations that we can’t handle.

I know people argue that a baby isn’t a baby until it’s born, but when I went in for my first ultrasound at 6 weeks – my child had a heartbeat. Since then, I have watched her and felt her grow in the most amazing way ever.

I think you can do this OP. You are capable.

Post # 78
Member
4431 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

OP, I was 21 when I had an abortion…my now husband and I were only together for 2 months at that time, I was barely making ends meet with my waitressing job…and borrowing money from my father.  He was still living at home, but had a stable job with little pay.

Fast forward to now, we have been together almost 7 years, we both have high paying stable jobs, we are independent even from eachothers finances.

I think about what could have been, and while it is a “sad thought” I would have done the same had I had to repeat my actions.

That being said…you are engaged to be married, having a wedding, you both work…and your Fiance is not fond of abortion….

I don’t see any reason to terminate here…other than because “it’s not the right time” it’ll never be the right time, even after the wedding you’ll be wondering when the “right” time is. 

I’m not trying to talk you into keeping it, nor would I suggest adoption.

I just can put myself in your shoes, and know that that would be something I would consider.  It’s not like you’re not having a wedding, can’t afford to live, and you don’t have jobs.  You can save a ton in 9 months!

Wishing you all the best in your decision.

 

Post # 79
Member
854 posts
Busy bee

@edepp2010:  ITA with you…they have support, he obviously wants to keep it, they have the means to make it happy. It may not be eacreated she’s pregnant. life changes things and situations change. I had my daughter at 22. I had finished school but was only working very part time and my Darling Husband and I weren’t even talking marriage when we found out I was pregnant. He made little money also…

Over time we figured it out. Now 4 years later we have a gorgeous and smart Dear Daughter. We own a gorgeous (almost 5k sqft house) and we have the means to provide for ourselves and our kids. was I terrified? Of course!! Did I wish I hadn’t gotten pregnant and look up abortion options…sure. However, the deed was done and I knew we could figure it out. Mind you, we had been together not a very long time and only had one small income…we made it and are in an amazing place now. Don’t sell yourself short.

Post # 80
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I wish you the best of luck, OP, and hope you are able to make a decision that you are comfortable with.

Personally, though, if I were to have gotten pregnant with my husband right before we got married, thought we would be competent parents, and knew we could find a way to make it work financially, I don’t think I would be able to abort our baby. Though I am 100% pro-choice, and you need to do what’s best for you, I think I would feel so much regret.

Post # 81
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@pierce8:  First I am so sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I think you need to try to step back and gather your thoughts and get to a point where you are calm and quiet in your mind so you can make a well though out choice. I want to pull a few quotes from your original post and some other update posts…

” I don’t want a baby now” You’re not getting a baby right now…I know it seems huge and shocking right now…but the baby is not coming right now…there is A LOT of time between this moment, and the moment when your baby would arrive. A LOT of time to prepare and make changes, shifts at work, moving in together…ect. 

 “I am so upset and don’t know what to do.” I truly believe that if you take a moment and calm yourself it may take a while…but not forever…adjust to the shock, accept that this is reality and become calm about it…once you’ve done that you will know what is right for you because you will have peace about it, reguarless of what you choose…make sure you have peace about it..right now you don’t and I don’t mean this in a hateful way at all, but you are not in any emtional state to be making a life changing choice right now. No matter what you choose, it will change your life..that just is how it is…so I know your worried about all you might miss out on if you have the baby and I completely understand…but there’s a lot you will miss out on if you don’t…that’s not to sway your decision, just to say either way…you loose something, and I’m sorry that’s the situation you’re in, but running from it or staying in a state of denial or shock won’t change the facts.

“I feel like we would be missing out on being young adults and our lives as newlyweds. I feel like I would resent not having all of this” What things exactly do you fear missing out on…I’ll be honest as a fairly newlywed myself the day to day isn’t as delightful as it’s made out to be…don’t get me wrong I love my husband and I enjoy our time together just us…but if I had to choose one or the other I would choose the little girl bouncing around in my stomach right now over the time between right now and when Darling Husband and I got married. I’d trade it in heartbeat not because I haven’t enjoyed that time but because it just doesn’t compare..and I know Darling Husband feels the same. And again I don’t say that to sway or offend you I just think you need to maybe sit down and make a REALISTIC list of the things you TRULY wouldn’t be able to do in your newlywed time. Because since you seem worried about finances I don’t see that you would be missing out on any world travels or anything. Maybe I’m wrong and that’s in the plans but honestly that’s for you and your Fiance to know and discuss. 

“I can’t wait over 2 weeks to make a decision.” Realistically yes absolutely you can. I know it seems like FOREVER right now…but you can wait and I think you should just for all the reasons I’ve already mentioned..making a clear though out decision not a knee jerk panic reaction. You will still be able to have an abortion in two weeks absolutely and in that time you might be able to feel more comfortable with that decision. I won’t say I am a huge fan of abortion, but what is really concerning to me personally is when a woman has a hard time with her decision bc maybe she didn’t think it all the way through. Just like you will have a child for a life time if you decide against abortion…you will have to live with having had an abortion for a life time…so all I am saying is make sure you can….don’t do that’s going to bother you or leave you with painful scars. I have a very very close friend who had an abortion in her first year of college and she stands by it, it was the right choice for her….but there are times when I can see how much it bothers her and she has a certain level of bitterness towards children and people with children. So even if it was right for her, I don’t think she got herself to the right place mentally before she did it. I hope that makes sense…just make a clear headed choice so that either way it won’t be a regret. 

 

I hope all of that makes sense and doesn’t come off as judgmental or biased, again I’m so sorry you’re in such a hard situation…but it will get better no matter what you decide it will get better. Take a breath, step back, do something you enjoy that clears your head..get your mind off it for a bit and then come back to it…you have plenty of time. *HUGS*

Post # 82
Member
1342 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@pierce8:  I’m so sorry you are going through this!  That is so hard.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason and you have to follow your gut instinct.  The reason it all happens can be many things.  Best of luck to you!

Post # 83
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I’m so sorry you’re faced with this decision right now.  Whatever you decide, from this moment on your life has changed and I hope you feel acknowledged and supported by all the other women out there who have been in your shoes.  I know it’s not the same at all, but in questioning myself as to whether I want to have more children, the way I was finally able to be sure of my feelings and what choice was right for me was to be clear on how I would feel when I am old and grey and looking back on my life.  If you choose abortion, will you be able to know within yourself that it was the right decision for you, both now and for the rest of your life?  I’m not saying that you won’t have pains of guilt and regret, but that the underlying knowledge will stay with you that you did the right thing for your life.  Or will you want to look back over a life that changed course a bit as you watched your child grow into their own life?  There’s no manipulation in my wording… either choice carries it’s own difficulties and rewards.  I almost want to encourage to lean on your fiance and family, but that’s my own bias coming in, as a mother.  Just know that whatever you decide, it is not a reflection of your maternal side or lack thereof.  The women I have known who have been where you are now and decided to abort went on to be amazing, devoted mothers who perhaps also lived with the wondering and what ifs.  I have my days of “what if” when I wonder what my life might be like if I hadn’t had my kids when I did~ but who’s to say that my kids are what derailed my plans??  Maybe I could have had both, especially if I had support around me.  I hope the best for you, whatever you decide to do. 

 

Post # 84
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@pierce8:  First off, I am so sorry that you’ve found yourself in the middle of such a difficult situation. Obviously, whatever you decide to do is ultimately up to you and your Fiance. 

I just wanted to say that I am really surprised by the amount of Bees that are suggesting you get an abortion. I am all for a woman’s right to choose, but I have to agree with the PP that said it’s a little selfish to terminate a pregnancy because you want a big wedding and are scared to miss out on your twenties. It sounds like you and your Fiance are already in a good place in life, and I don’t think a baby is going to screw that up too badly. But really, you know your life better than a bunch of internet strangers. 

It sounds like you and your Fiance aren’t too keen on the idea of abortion anyways, and all I can say is this: if you do choose to abort this child, it is something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. I can imagine the pain will only intensify when you’re purposely TTC, or you give birth to your first child. 

I’m not trying to scare you or guilt you at all. I’m just giving you my honest (random internet stranger) opinion. 

Fiance and I are getting married in 6 months, if I got pregnant now it would definitely screw up a lot of our plans… But I would NEVER, not in a million years, abort a child that I created with the man I love. 

I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out for you.  

Post # 85
Member
2320 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I was in your shoes once. Same age. I actually did have an abortion. But then later, much, MUCH later I started freakin’ out that I will never be able to have a baby again. (For no reason at all. It’s not like we even tried.) That passed from help of, believe it or not, a lot of the Bees on this board! Yep! I am so grateful to each and every one of them for being here for me. It was not an easy decision. Otherwise I wouldn’t end up freakin’ out.

However, in hindsight, I am actually glad that I did that. Because 1) it was an unplanned pregnancy. Broken condom. That sort of deal. I mentally wasn’t ready. Never mind financially. But I didn’t want to bring new life in to the world when I was mentally unprepared. I’d make a huge mess of that. And 2) Darling Husband and I got married a year after that. We had our huge adjustment period of living together under one roof. We used to stay over at eachothers’ often but it was still not the same. We had our share of fights, arguments, you name it. I’m SO GLAD there was no kid in the mix. We were able to streamline our new marriage MUCH FASTER, BETTER, STRONGER without having a kid who would either hear us or worse, get neglected by either of us while we are sorting through our own issues. (I.e, stormin’ out the house, slammin’ doors and all. We are not proud of that.Embarassed) In other words, WE were still growing up.

Now we are in a VERY GOOD place in our relationship. We are TOTALLY READY to be parents. And we couldn’t be happier with our decision. We had to build US first. Before we built a family.

Post # 86
Member
843 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Sasha2011:  Sorry you had to go through all of that, but what a great post and advice.

Post # 87
Member
3507 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@pierce8:  Me and my Fiance are in the same boat our wedding is November 15, 2014 and we found out we’re pregnant and the baby is due May 18, 2014. At first I was down because I wanted to be married before having a baby but it’s truly a blessing and if you truly want it you find a way to make it work and if not that’s okay to you. It’s all about what you and your Fiance are comfortable with. Good Luck!

Post # 88
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

@pierce8:  you have a decent amount of time to make your choice, don’t feel like you have to rush it. I had my daughter a month after my 23rd birthday and when  I found out I was pregnant I took some time to really think about what I wanted. whatever you decide will be fine for you. it doesn’t have to be the “right” time to have a baby to have things turn out just fine, but you’re going to have to work hard. it’s not easy having a baby while your friends are out having fun, but it is kind of nice because you’re already used to being kind of broke and then by the time you have a nice established career your kid is grown and you can have all kinds of fun. also if you want to have a big wedding and enjoy your 20’s that is fine, and it doesn’t make you selfish. you are the one who has to live your life, so you get to make the big desicions. sometimes I wish I had gotten married and had a fun honeymoon before having kids, so I get it. you just need to take some time and sace and figure out what is right for you. 

Post # 89
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If I were you I would have the baby and get my parents/siblings/family to help me out

you guys are already engaged! Sure it was unexpected now but RN and Chiro make decent money together, the fact that you’re worried about providing I already feel like you guys would make great parents!

Post # 90
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC

OP, I’m your age and couldn’t imagine what Boyfriend or Best Friend and I would do in the same situation. I’ve seen a bit of hinting at this, but no one has actually said it as far as I can tell…

You said your Fiance is against the idea of an abortion; that he thinks it’s “selfish”. My own opinions aside, how will your decision affect your relationship with your FI? Would you having an abortion/giving the baby up for adoption cause resentment on the part of your fiance? Obviously, it’s your body and your choice, and he SHOULD support you whatever you choose. However, it might be worth considering that if you do decide to terminate the pregnancy in order to enjoy your marriage and newlywed days, your husband-to-be may not feel the same way. It is HIS child too, after all, and he may be resentful/angry/sad/etc. if you choose not to have his child. That could possibly negatively affect your relationship in the same way that you believe having the baby will. 

Talk more about it with your fiance. I know you want to decide now, but, as other PPs have said, I don’t believe you’re in a correct emotional state of mind to be making a decision this big. I personally think you could do it, just like I think Boyfriend or Best Friend and I could do it if we had to. Just because you’re young doesn’t mean you can’t still have fun and travel and go on dates or you’ll miss out on the “newlywed” phase. Good luck!

Post # 91
Member
1776 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I just wanted to give you a hug and wish you strength in dealing with this.  I know that once you are able to calm down and look at all of your options, you will be able to make the choice(s) you and your Fiance will be at peace with.  Best of luck!

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