(Closed) Just found out we are pregnant…what to do

posted 7 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 122
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If I got pregnant at 22, there is not a chance in hell that I’d be keeping it. I have so many more things I want to do in life and enjoy time with my husband as a wife and NOT a mom for several years. 

Also, just because you “can” raise a child, doesn’t mean you should. There are plenty of financially stable women out there that could definitely afford a child, but they would be miserable.

Just because you have the finances doesn’t mean that you should feel guilt tripped into keeping the pregnancy.

Post # 123
Member
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@pierce8:  Any update OP? Hope you’re doing ok.

Post # 124
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t grasp the concept of people saying they want children young so they can have fun when the kid is grown and out of the house…the reality is now is the time to have fun – you are young, carefree with no commitments/obligations tying you down as are likely all your friends to share this carefree time with you. The reality is you have no idea what place you will be in in 18 years or who will be in your life at that point not to mention you never stop being a mom, if it were me I’d take this time to myself and spend it being selfishly in love with my SO!

 

Post # 125
Member
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

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@soy:  I think it depends on your background. My parents had us (4 children) starting in their mid twenties, and now that we are all leaving the nest, they bought a cottage on a lake to enjoy on weekends, are taking 1-2 vacations a year, moving to a different city… They enjoyed having their kids when they were young and full of energy, and now they are enjoying their freedom in their early 50s with a lot more money and careers that are winding down. I see how happy they are, and hope for a life like that myself 🙂

 

I can see how people would rather enjoy their freedom when they are younger as well, but that’s just not the case for everyone! To each their own.

 

Post # 126
Member
2810 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m *really* going to try not to contribute to the debate that has developed here…we all have strong feelings either way, but I think the OP is just looking for support.

I hope that whatever decision you make, that you can be at peace with it. My opinion about abortion does not matter. I do think that a previous poster, @moonbride, put it really well when she said,

“If you do want children at all with your partner, this is a blessing, albeit a premature one. If you do decide to keep it, five years from now you will have a beautiful little boy or girl, be married to the man you love, and the stress you’re experiencing now won’t mean anything.”


If children *are* somethin you and your Fiance envisioned, this may be more of a blessing than you realize at the moment. Most pregnant women are scared, planned or not, when she gets that positive test.

My daughter was a bit unplanned. We were waiting until closer to our wedding date before getting pregnant, but instead, I got pregnant  7-8 months before our wedding. It was a little worrisome, but we just shifted the wedding to a later date, and my daughter was part of the celebration! I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Maybe this isn’t what you want for your life though.

My DH and I have been together since we were 17. I previously didn’t want children at all, but that changed over the years of us being together. While I was a teenager, and in my early 20’s, we were both in school. We discussed that if I were to become pregnant during that time, I would get an abortion. Luckily, I never had to face that choice. Now that I am a mom (had my DD at 25), I honestly don’t know if I could cope with a previous abortion. At the time when I pretty confidently said I would have an abortion if I had an unplanned pregnancy, I don’t think I could fully wrap my head around the emotion that I might have later. I look at my daughter now, and I know that if I had an abortion in the past, it would really bother me today. I always said that if I was financially and emotionally stable, there would be no reason to have an abortion.

Now, I am just sharing *my* feelings on the issue, just to kind of give you an idea of what my personal thoughts are on the issue.

Please look after yourself. Everything will work out for you, just stay positive.

 

*hugs*

Post # 127
Member
2810 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@PermaStudent:  Ditto on your POV. My inlaws had my hubby and his brother before they were like…23 I think. Now they are in their early 50’s and living it up!

I think us younger folk don’t realize how much life they’ll have left in them when they’re 50+.

Post # 128
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m on the same page as the other bees who see how this could end up beautifully! Of course it’s a big surprise, and not what you were planning for. Yes, some women have abortions and have great lives after with zero regret. And for others it becomes an enduring pain… 

I think it’s so positive that you fiance is looking at it like this – I would too. I’d have the baby, no doubt. You’re in a good position over all, and you’re obviously already capable adults, know each other etc. I’m 26 so I was your age not long ago – and when I was 22-23 I was on a tipping point where i suddenly changed from my teenage and very early 20s mantra of ‘if I got pregnant I’d definitely have an abortion’ to the point where I suddenly realised I just couldn’t do that anymore – because I knew I’d regret it later: I’d become an adult who would be able to take care of a child if needed. And in my opinion – if you’re emotionally ready to marry someone, I think you’re also pretty much ready for kids (emotionally.) Also note that VERY few people would say that they felt 200% ready for kids before they had them – it’s probably impossible to be totally prepared for as it’s life altering. 

We don´t have kids, but I know they are very expensive. Depending on the numbers and all, I’d probably do this: Have a beautiful small city hall wedding before the birth of your child where you only include the closets family and friends (I’d want to be married before becoming parents for purely legal/security reasons but that’s just me). Welcome baby in July. Postpone big wedding a year if you need to save up some more money. I really don’t see what difference a year will make if you’ve been together for almost 5 years. Baby AND wedding in one year would be financially very heavy on most couples. In fact I don’t even think you’re gonna be THINKING about a big wedding when or if you suddenly have an infant to care for. 

I really wish you the best, please don’t feel rushed to make a decision. It’s a big one. But it WILL work out. 🙂

Post # 129
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@PermaStudent:  I understand what you are saying but I do think it’s silly when people who want to have kids at 23 or younger say they want to have kids when they are young so they have energy, as if waiting 3-5 years when you are 26-28 means you are old and won’t have the energy to chase kids around. Waiting 3 years in your 20’s can make the WORLD of a difference in setting the foundation for your future whereas the 3 year age difference when you are older (ie 63-66) is minimal. I agree with you however, to each their own.

Anyway, at the end of the day OP I hope you make the decision that is best for you and your family and take into consideration all the factors within this discussion (or as a PP stated “debate”) as it is only healthy to weigh all your options and consider all outcomes since this can be a life changing event for you.

Post # 131
Member
781 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I haven’t read all of the replies but I just wanted to let you know that I sympathize with you completely. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I accidentally got pregnant almost 2 years ago (I was on birth control). I went back and forth with making a decision and ultimately decided that we weren’t ready for a baby. I was always dead set on not having an abortion but I decided that I’d rather have one than raise a baby who I couldn’t truly provide for. I could have always done adoption but honestly I don’t think I would have been strong enough. I still think about how my life would have been but I don’t regret my choice.

Post # 132
Member
1496 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

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@pierce8:  hugs love. The only thing I have to say is that I think you need to see a psychologist to process this. If you are still in school you should have free access. I hope you can find peace with whatever decision you make as in the end you are the one that will have to deal with the consequences. Best wishes.

Post # 133
Member
4027 posts
Honey bee

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@pierce8:  You two have both made such a tough decision, but just wanted to post to say I am glad you two decided this on your own! Wishing the best for you two in the future!

Post # 134
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@pierce8:  It’s nobody’s decision but you and your fiance’s and I think that’s hard to remember when you have family throwing their opinions at you. Your mom is right that it would be hard either way, but it seems like the bottom line is that you aren’t happy about it and you want something different for your life right now.. something that does not include a baby right now. 

 

Post # 135
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@bmo88:  What decision did she make? I’m genuinely curious because now I think I missed something!

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