(Closed) Just got engaged and am absolutely terrified. Is this normal?

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 31
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

DH and I got engaged after knowing each other only 11 months, and married 6 months later.  I had a few moments of “am I 100% positive this is right for us?” especially with the speed at which we were going.  I think that kind of second guessing is relatively normal when faced with a major life change, as long as the duration and frequency is limited.  However, I never felt terrified or scared. 

BUT (and this is a big BUT)… I was 31 and DH was 33 when we met.  We had both been in a number of serious, committed relationships previously, including a previous marriage for DH.  Before we got married, we dealt with job loss, unemployment, financial hardships, the loss of two of our beloved dogs, my brother’s cancer diagnosis, major surgery so I could donate bone marrow to my brother, being caregivers for my brother as he recovered from his transplant, and each of us losing a grandparent.  So, I think we experienced enough “bad” that we’ve seen all the sides of each other and knew that even at our worst, we were better together than we were alone.  We held each other up and made it through so many difficult things that I knew, even after just one year, that we have what it takes to make it through life together.  

I agree with PP – take your time.  Experience life with this person.  Like you said, you don’t have to get married in weeks, months, or even years.  Grow up together; your relationship can only benefit. 

Post # 32
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
bdavis23:  I agree with PP’s that your fears are probably telling you that you do not have much life experience with him. It’s easy to love someone and think everything is perfect when life is going well. It’s another thing to go through hard times and stress with someone. Plus people can change quite drastically in their interests/values/life goals etc in their 20’s.

I met my H when I was 21 and pretty much knew he was “the one” 4 months in. BUT I would not have felt comfortable making a marriage committment so early because I was also practical. So as the years went by we were able to see how well we handled life together: Financial stress, work/school stress, different schedules, job loss, death of family members, family drama and illness, vacations/travelling, and even more minor things like divvying up household chores, errands, etc.

Through all of those things I felt that we were always a team, we were able to communicate well and work things out without fighting, and I never once felt that anyone was going to leave the relationship over something. Only then did I think it was a good idea to make the marriage commitment. Love is required, but not enough.

Post # 33
Member
14 posts
Newbee

Just because the OP dated her boyfriend for 8 months, doesn’t mean that the OP doesn’t know him. Same goes with people who dated their SO for 5 years+. You can never truly know someone. 

OP, your best bet is to move in with your fiance and see how it goes from there. You will be able to see who the other person truly is very quickly. 

Post # 34
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

This sounds totally normal, considering the fact that your only 21… I would be crapping my pants if I knew I was making such a long-term committment at such a young age.

If you were in your late 20’s or older I would say this isn’t normal.

Post # 35
Member
25 posts
Newbee

Yea sorry but at 21 you really dont have the experience and maturity (regardless of how mature you are) to make a commitment that serious. And i know people that age wont think theyre young till theyre older….but also..8 months!!! you dont even know a person fully till atleast a year. Just because you love someone isnt a reason to rush into marriage.

If youre going to be with that person for the REST of your life…you can wait a couple years atleast…and youre being with him regardless.

Post # 36
Member
25 posts
Newbee

View original reply
eveline:  I think thats such a typical way of thinking for young people who arent mature enough for marriage yet. Adults who have matured and have the life experiene WILL and SHOULD experience doubts because they know the extent of the decision they are making and that marriage is not a joke. However, those types of doubts from mature adn ready adults are much different than doubts from a young person whos barely known the guy.

Theres no rush to marry someone knowing that you will be spending the rest of your life with them. The ring is just a ring and the wedding is just a wedding. Marriage is forever and life experience is essential to having the maturity of knowing if you can make it work with someone.

Post # 37
Member
11390 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
bdavis23:  

Are you planning a long engagement, OP?  Your age & length of the relationship are legitimate concerns.

I never felt terrified about marrying Dh.  We’d been together for many years, though not living together & we’re quite a lot older than most Bees.  It was all very calm & somewhat pragmatic.  Definitely not frightening.  We knew each other so well & had experienced each other in so many different situations, there would be no surprises & no drama.

Do consider taking your time & getting to know each other.  No harm will be done if your love is real.  The big mistake would be marrying during the infatuation phase of your relationship.  Take some time to be sure you’re on a firm footing.

Post # 38
Member
644 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: A restaurant on the beach

I’m 24 and my boyfriend (25) and I have been dating for over 9 years. When I thought he was going to propose earlier this year I was TERRIFIED. I had all those “Are we ready” questions that you’re having. Now that I’ve had six months to think it through (without him proposing yet) I realize that we are ready. After 9 years there really shouldn’t be any more “dating” so I’m excited to move on to the next step. So yes, I think a certain amout of reluctancy or hesitation is normal. With that said, you really do NOT know someone after 8 months. My bf and I didn’t even start fighting until year 2. A long engagement really is the best idea and I’m glad you recognize that. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  BeachBaum17.

The topic ‘Just got engaged and am absolutely terrified. Is this normal?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors