(Closed) just got engaged and she is freaking out- please help

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You need to get her to talk. If you two are going to spend your lives together you need to be able to communicate. There really isn’t a solution here other than figuring out why she is so uncomfortable with this.Good luck.

 

Post # 5
Member
25 posts
Newbee

@help1:  I think you are just going to have to talk to her.  There is really no other way to understand how she is feeling or why she’s upset.  I would sit down with her and tell her that you need to know what’s going on, even if she’s afraid to tell you.  My bf and I have been dating for 5 years and I know the proposal is coming soon.  MOST of the time I am thrilled to be getting engaged, but sometimes I freak out thinking about it. The thoughts that always bug me are “how do I REALLY know he’s ‘the one,'” “What if as we get older we grow apart?” “What if we have to move states for his job, will I be able to handle it”  “am I missing out on being single and having time to go out and have fun before being married?”  We are 23 and 26 now and started dating when I was 17 so I have pretty much never had a fun single phase and he is the only serious bf I’ve ever had.  

When stuff like this bugs me I always think about what I would really be missing out on if I was single and realize it’s not much.  The times I feel reassured about our relationship the most are when we go out on dates to our “special” places.  There’s a bike trail that we used to always ride on, our favorite bar where we’ve spent many nights, etc. For some reasons things like this that we’ve been doing our whole relationship make me remember all the reasons I love him and how great we are together and how long we’ve lasted and the negative feelings tend to disappear.

I guess my advice would be to not say anything just yet and give her some time.  But, in the mean time take her out on a date, something you’ve done before whether its a movie night, cooking dinner together, anything that is special for you two, and remind her how wonderful you are as a couple.  If she’s still feeling and acting this way in a week then you have to talk to her.  Tell her you want to know if she’s scared, or feels like she’s missing out, or is having second thoughts.  I think it’s normal to feel a little freaked out because marriage is a lifetime commitment, but it seems strange that she’s feeling weird RIGHT AFTER being engaged when girls are usually over the moon excited.  But, you won’t be able to fix anything if she won’t talk to you, and to be brutally honest marriage isn’t going to work if she can’t communicate with you about her feelings.  She may be having second thoughts about marriage or she may just be stressed at work/school/whatever and worried about planning a wedding on top of it, but you won’t know until you ask.

Sorry I did not mean for this to be so long! 

Post # 6
Member
738 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Have you guys set a date or made any concrete plans? She may feel more at ease if you tell her there is no timeline or rush to get married. That you can both just enjoy being engaged for the time being and start planning in say, six months or so. Is she just bad with change in general? I’d say give her some time to get used to her new status and change in your relationship. If she is still acting like this after a month or so I would reevaluate the engagement. There might be something else going on other than adjustment.

Post # 7
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@help1:   If you’re tried talking to her and she’s in a panic right now, the best thing you can do is back off and let her have some space.  She’s going through some emotional turmoil, for whatever reason, and she deserves some time to be able to figure things out on her own. 

I know for myself when I’m going through something the last thing I want is someone pressuring me or trying to “convince” me to feel a certain way or not.

Give her some time and let her make her own decisions.  Tell her you love her no matter what she decides.  And be patient!

Post # 8
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@help1:  My SO and I had been together nearly 4 years when we talked very seriously about engagement. One night, during a long conversation, I could feel that he was gearing up to ask that very important question and I freeaaaked out. I just flat out panicked, put my hands over his mouth and yelled ” NO DON’T DO IT!” It was not ideal, to say the least. We went for a walk and talked about my reaction and I told him that while I’m excited to take this step with him, I was also very scared. I was scared to promise forever, scared that one of us would end up unhappy, scared that we weren’t in as good of a place as we envisioned financially. He said he was scared too but it was a good feeling. We decided to revisit the topic in a year and as he said “let’s wait until your reaction isn’t sheer terror.”

 

Now, we’ve been together for nearly 5 years and we’ve looked at different rings. I expect that he’ll propose in the next few months. I feel very ready. However, I also went through a few moments of “holy Sh*T this is happening!” The thing is, from this time onwards, you two will be a family, a unit. Sure, you’ll still be individuals but a chapter is closing in terms of the way your life has been lived up until this point. and I think that that is significant and some people are like “YEAH let’s turn the page!” but sometimes, other people need to spend a little bit of time saying goodbye to that chapter. I didn’t know that I would react the way I did, I didn’t know that I would have those little “holy shit” moments or that I would need to go out with my best friend and get drunk and talk about how guilty it made me feel to admit that I was nervous. I felt like admitting my nerves meant that I didn’t love my SO enough or that we were making a mistake. The reality is that sometimes people get nervous when they make life altering decision!  

 

Your Fiance might not understand what it is she’s feeling right now. She might not be able to articulate it. Tell her that you love her, you understand if she’s reeling from the seriousness of taking a big life changing step and that you’re there for her. I think maybe the best thing is to just give her a little bit of time to figure it out but let her know that you’re ready to talk when she is. I know this must be hard for you and I’m wishing you luck!

 

Post # 10
Member
2025 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Ok, so you know how usually when guys think about marriage in the movies or shows or even how society thinks guys think about….ya know the (IM NOT READY FOR THAT) or (SHES THE LAST WOMAN ILL EVER BE WITH) or whatever the excuse is it is always protraying the man as the one that is unsure and freaking out and taking too long to commit.  Well this goes to show you, when I say you i mean all guys, that women are the exact same way.  We freak out too.  We have problem picturing our bf to be our husbands and what our lives will look like but when it comes down to actually doing it….its scary.  Its weird to have a ring on your finger all the time.  I was always taking mine off and on cause it felt different. Now i feel weird without it, like a part of me is missing.  I was so excited at first and then reality struck and I freaked out a little.  We even had a few really bad fights and almost broke up.  But we loved eachother and made up.  We communicated.  I am the worst when it comes to communication and my fiance is the best.  Even when we were doing fine again and it was time for me to sign the church contract i couldnt breathe.  They had to get my some water. It made things so real and not just fairytale anymore. Now, here we are less than 5 months til I am his Mrs and I couldnt be any happier.

My advice would be to 1) talk. 2) Let her do as she wants with the ring, not worry about it for a few months 3) Definitely make sure she knows there is no rush. (we had a 2 yr engagement) 4) Does her family has a history of divorce? Your family? she might be thining about that too.

Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m sorry you are dealing with this!! I think she needs some space, she is probably overwhelmed and needs time to sort out her feelings – not talking to others (I can understand her embarrassment) may delay how long it takes her to sort them out.

As hard as it is, I would tell her “I love you, I want to marry you but most of all, I want us to be happy. So I need you to tell me (sometime soon, when u are ready) what you are feeling and if you need us to make any changes (wait on planning, get unengaged, etc etc). I’m here for you but I do want to let you know that your behavior is freaking me out too and hurting me, but I love you and I understand if you need a little time.”

Hopefully she will open up soon, if she doesn’t I wouldn’t let her “get away with” not talking forever, so you need to decide how long that is for you.

Post # 12
Member
4574 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am sorry you are going through this.  I am sure its breaking your heart.  I would def try to talk to her.  I know you said she wont, but if you ever do get married, you two have to be able to communicate no matter what.  If you had all these talks about your future together then, why the change or the freaking out.  I know when I got engaged I couldnt wait to tell people and show my ring to everyone.  Does she maybe not like the ring anymore? Is she afraid that marriage may change you or her?  These are things you two need to discuss and figure out how to get out or work with. I wish the best of luck and I hope you get an ANSWER soon.

Post # 13
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I didn’t exactly freak out after I got engaged but admit it took a few weeks to really accept it and become comfortable with it. I didn’t tell him any of that, though. There were so many thoughts racing through my mind about how things would change and what it meant for my future. All good things, but still thoughts that I couldn’t shake for a while. So I thik she just need some time to adjust. I bet she’ll be fine in a few weeks!

Post # 14
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@help1:  I think it’s the whole, “We’re engaged” situation. It has nothing to do with the relationship or you. Nowadays, when you mention engaged, you also think wedding, marriage, family, etc. It can be overwhelming. Give it time and just be there for her.

Post # 15
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Give her some time to adjust. I know this must be really really upsetting for you, but her freaking out means that she understands the level of committment marriage is (this is good!) & is taking the decision very seriously. It’s a huge life change that takes awhile to adjust to. Also, it is weird once you get the ring as a woman you’re “marked” and tons of people will comment on it – it actually can be pretty overwhelming sometimes. Try to be patient & not mention the wedding for a few weeks. Plan some fun dates to ease the tension & help her see that things are only going to change for the better. She’ll appreciate your understanding, & it’s a good sign that she’s even sharing these feelings with you. Hang in there!

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