(Closed) Just got Engaged! But my Family has me down. Help!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 2
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Striving for the approval of two people who never seem to give it to you is just going to be hard. I think we will always want our parent’s support, but at this point for you, that expecation has to be errased. Don’t expect them to be happy for you, or even show up to the wedding. I would even be hesitant to tell them the date because I don’t know if I would want that type of person there. It sounds like the extent of them being your parents ended at each one of them contributing the biological material to make you. You owe them nothing for that. More than that, they don’t deserve a special place that allows them to make you feel bad about yourself.

That said, in my functioning family, I do still have to track what I have told each parent. I talk to my mom quite often, and my dad at least bi-weekly. I still have to make a mental run down of what I have told each of them because even though they live in the same house, apparently what I tell one doens’t come up with the other. I think it just slipps their minds what they spoke about. Not to say that your mom is blameless, as that was pretty big news, but my mom has forgotten to tell my dad about promotions I have recieved, and my dad has forgotten to tell my mom about me coming to visit for the weekend.

Post # 3
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Loft

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nescafe1982:  First of all, congrats on your congratulations. This is a very exciting time for you and one that should not be clouded by people who can’t share in your joy. Secondly, I can’t tell you how familiar this is to my own story.

I was just engaged on the weekend as well and I knew the call to my father would play out the same way. All I can tell you is that you need to focus on the good and not the bad. There will always be people who try to overshadow your joy and accomplishments and all you can do is lower your expectations of them. When that happens, nothing will surprise you and any positive reaction will be a bonus. That being said, I know how you feel. Just enjoy the experience and your parents will come around. If not then it is them who misses a wonderful opportunity to share something with you.

Post # 5
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

View original reply
nescafe1982:  I just wanted to tell you that you have done a fabulous job with life. A lot of people use their bad childhood as an excuse for not trying during their adult life, but you seem to have really put your all in, so for that I am giving you a big e-hug.

 You should be so very proud of your achievements. You have done a hell of a lot more with your life than people who had their ‘happiness’ handed to them on a silver platter.

Congratulations on your engagement! I’d write off your mother. Blood isn’t always thicker than water and she will never be happy with your successes. 

Post # 8
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My mother is the only parent I have contact with now, but she is also totally incapable of being supportive.  The only time in my adult life that I’ve looked to her for emotional support, about 25 years ago, she made it all about her.  It’s been the same ever since.

She’s very bitter since divorcing my father, and doesn’t have a good word to say about anything or anybody.   It still took me years to realise I was wasting my time expecting support from her. 

I’m 45 now and I still feel very sad quite often about it all.  I freely admit to Fiance that I’m jealous of his close family relationships.   But I don’t want to turn into my mother, so I try and concentrate more on the positives in my life.

Post # 9
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m sorry that you have to go through this, and in some small way, I can relate.

My fiance was born 4 months early and almost didn’t survive. As he grew up, his parents paid him very little attention. After dating 9 months, I became pregnant, yadda yadda, they think I’m evil, blah blah. It’s frustrating. We are both successful and stable and doing well, and I am about to enter nursing school.

We had many, many talks about his parents. They wanted me to terminate my pregnancy, and threatened not to attend her first birthday this last March. In the end, we both agreed that he will never get his parents approval – like you – no matter what he does, or we do. They will always dissaprove of our relationship and how he lives his life with me.

But their dissaproval does not need to define your relationship. Look around at all the support you are getting – that is a true indicator of your success and that is where you should draw your happiness.

Try not to dwell on what you can’t change. Limit your interaction with them so as to not cause so much pain for yourself.

Best of luck.

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