(Closed) Just got engaged but VERY confused, please help!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
2690 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Your relationship with your brother is unhealthy and you need therapy. Break it off with your poor Fiance so he has a chance of actually being happy with someone else.

Post # 33
Member
7449 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think you need some therapy. The way you talk about your brother is not normal, and neither is constantly comparing your fiancé to your brother. 

Post # 34
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

CelticGirl355:  no problem at all! I have no right to judge your situation. Good luck

Post # 35
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Seek.professional.help.

Post # 36
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

How old are you two? Are you twins? How do your parents feel about you and your brothers relationship? 

 

Post # 37
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

<br /><br />For serious though, I think it seems like you’re using your brother as a easy crutch on why you don’t have to make a commitment to any one person. I would back up some steps and wonder if perhaps you are ready to be moving to this next stage in your relationship with your now FI? Is it making you anxious to think about leaving the nest and you are clinging to the stable people and things in your life? Are you avoiding having to take a really big leap in your relationship by saying he’d never be as good as your brother so why bother?

Or… Are you really after Matthew as a person and not someone like Matthew? Would you be upset if he had a girlfriend of his own? Are there other potential questions you should ask yourself about your feelings about your brother?

I think you should try and take a breath, take a step back, and really do some soul searching here. Because it seems like this problem stems from something inside you and nows the best time to find out where it comes from. 

Post # 38
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Let me explain why a lot of people are throwing the word ‘incest’ around and ‘unhealthy.’

Usually little girls will look up at their daddies and say OMG! When I grow up I want to be just like mom so I can have a wonderful man just like dad! (It’s an evolutionary concept as well, you wanna marry someone like your parents cuz they’re the most reproductively succesful people you know since…duh…you’re here). You my dear OP didn’t do that with your father, you formed that attachment with your BROTHER.  

Except, when little girls want to marry their fathers they have some pretty unbeatable competition (in healthy households)… mom, so they learn ok I can’t have daddy but I’ll have someone very much like him.  But when little girls want to marry their brothers there’s NO competition, not really.  Which means that you, OP have had no REAL competition to get you to snap back to reality that you need to find someone like your brother that isn’t your brother.  Someone who’s funny and smart, knows about physics, science and interesting facts.  Someone who will always be there for you, just like when your high school boyfriend backed out on being your prom date and Matthew stepped up.  

Since Matthew’s just as emotionally invested in the relationship (evidenced by his lack of true emotional attachment to any other female so far) your brother won’t help you break this unhealthy bond either.  Why is it unhealthy for the two of you? Simply put, you’re “cockblocking” each other.  Now I don’t think that telling you to go to therapy so that you work on your issues will help here because you still don’t fully see that you have an issue.  You know something is off…because you posted this…but you still don’t see how incredibly damaging it is to continue down this road.  

However, maybe if I tell you that by maintaining this closeness with your brother you’re damaging his chances at ever being happy in a relationship with another woman, his chances at wanting someone else so much that he’ll leave his family for her and have children with her – maybe if I tell you that you’re pretty much ruining his chances of having a healthy and succesful adult relationship… Maybe then, out of the great love that you have for him, you’ll want what’s best for him and seek professional help.  

Why professional help? So that you get an unbiased and non-judgmental aid so you can stop ‘cock blocking’ your brother’s happiness (and your own btw).

Post # 39
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Please look up ‘covert incest’ and familial enmeshment. Emotional closeness to family, siblings is great – emotional attachment to the point of enmeshment is not healthy, and very damaging. 

Post # 40
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Soon2ElopeBee:  that is a great response and I hope the OP reads it several times, because I think it’s the best advice she can receive.

Post # 41
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee

I honestly feel that your relationship with your brother is not, by any means, healthy or normal. To grow up pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend is not normal. To want to dump someone you say you love with your whole heart and want to spend the rest of your life with because you’re not spending enough time with your brother is not normal. The fact that your Fiance says your brother is weird around you and has reservations shows that he recognizes an unhealthy and abnormal relationship between the two of you. I think you need to dump your Fiance. Clearly you do not love him the way he loves you (unconditional, romantic attachment). I think the suggestions of therapy are something that you might want to look into, so that you can have a chance of finding someone (other than your brother…) that you can spend the rest of your life with.

Post # 42
Member
2810 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015 - City, State

CelticGirl355:  I think maybe you’re just scared of change and getting engaged made things real. Now that you’re engaged, you’re going to be moving onto a new phase in your life and the relationship with your Fiance is only going to take more and more precedence as time goes on.

I know I’m starting to feel that way with things that are going on in my life right now since my sisters and I are extremely close. We are each other’s best friends and it’s really scary to think that people who are such a huge part of your life now, will be taking a back seat for awhile and it things won’t be the way they used to be. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just going to take some getting used to. Don’t let fear get the best of you. 

Post # 43
Member
5364 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

Dreaming42:  I was beginning to think that I was the only one that read that part about pretending to be bf/gf…But I’m an only child so I didn’t know if this was normal or not, though it didn’t sound normal to me. 

Post # 44
Member
9375 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Tagging to follow!

This is great bedtime reading.

Post # 45
Member
1647 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

What Soon2ElopeBee said. OP read it, print it, paste it on your wall and take it to heart.

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