(Closed) Just got engaged but VERY confused, please help!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

If this is true, I’d suggest therapy. Attachment to a sibling in that manor is a bit off.

Post # 47
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

[comment moderated for baiting]

Post # 48
Member
608 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

This is just a bit strange op. I have a brother too, but he would never block me from dating someone unless he thought they were inappropriate and didn’t suit me or had a personality issue. I would never try to step into my brothers relationship in any other way either. I think you need to spend more time with your fi and think if all the good qualities you found in him before you take this to a whole new level.. your brother cs be someone wonderful that you look up to, but when you compare your fis looks to your brothers, as well as his academic, and social endeavors, we can’t help but read it as something that perhaps you didn’t want to be writing. Like a pp said, this can be quite unhealthy.  Your brother will have a family if his own, and you need to be aware of the boundaries. Good luck op! 

Post # 49
Member
460 posts
Helper bee

[comment moderated for baiting]

Post # 50
Member
445 posts
Helper bee

I wish I had more to offer aside from the following useless comment but… oh my. 

 

Post # 51
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Pretending you were boyfriend and girlfriend… That is crossing a line. Your brother should not be treating you in a romantic way that you feel the need to compare men to him.

 

break up with your Fiance the poor guy, and get some professional help.

 

Post # 52
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I love my brother completely. We have always been close but I have never compared my dh to him the way you are. I suppose the closest thing I have to where you are was my “second brother”, he is my brothers ebst friend from childhood and whenever we went out people thought we were dating even though we weren’t… i am really close to him as well but nothing that would cause me to break up with my dh.

I didn’t date my second brother but there were feelings at some stage from both directions but at different times but even then I can recognise the things that meant we would never have worked even if we did date and those are things that are different in my dh. Have you considered thinking about the reasons a relationship with a guy like your brother wouldn’t work.

Post # 53
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

It’s just odd to think of leaving your Fiance to spend more time with your brother.   

Post # 54
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2047

CelticGirl355:  I absolutely LOVE my brother, I’d probably be lost without him. He helps me, I help him. We get along VERY well, so we can discuss our relationships with each other. But this is not the same relationship I have with my SO. You have to find a way to love both of them, otherwise someone will get hurt. Stop being so dependent on your brother, because that seems realllllly weird. And no, your boyfriend isnt supposed to be like your brother, and your brother isnt supposed to be like your boyfriend

Post # 55
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Therapy. therapy, therapy 

Post # 56
Member
11179 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Yipeebee:  

I have to agree.  This isn’t an issue that can be resolved via keyboard.  Professional help is required.

Post # 58
Member
999 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

It sounds mostly like you’re having a case of “nostalgia”, just getting engaged makes a person realize that they probably won’t be as close to their family as they used to. That part is very difficult.

On the other hand, some of the things you are saying sound like you are placing your brother in a position of attachment that doesn’t make sense for his role. You say it’s not a sexual thing, and I believe that, but pretending to be boyfriend & girlfriend means you guys were willing to enmesh the roles of a brother and sister at least a little bit with that of a romantic partner (even if not in a sexual way). It is worth examining, and I encourage you to try to continue a healthy and friendly relationship with your brother with the understanding that he is not and cannot be a replacement for your fiancee. They play different roles in your life and so leaving one for the other is not an option.

Post # 59
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

CelticGirl355:  On one level, I can understand comparing your SO to family members. My Darling Husband has personality traits that remind me of my dad, my granddad and my brother, and I think this is part of the reason I’ve always felt so comfortable with Darling Husband. I can also appreciate that getting engaged is a very emotional time where you are reevaluating how your life is going to be.

That said, the bond that you have developed with your brother is not normal. Pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend is not normal. Even if your relationship has never been sexual, it sounds emotionally incestuous. Emotionally cheating??? And you will never truly be happy in any relationship so long as you have elevated your brother to this romantic pinnacle of what a man should be.

I think you need to think very carefully about your future with your Fiance. Marriage is about creating a family with your spouse. It’s about the two of you standing together and facing the world. You need to be fully and wholeheartedly committed to your spouse, and except for any children you may have, they always need to come first. Not in second place behind your brother.

I would think very carefully about whether you are ready to commit to your fiance. It sounds to me like you aren’t. If you honestly in your heart of hearts feel closer to your brother than your fiance, then yes in my opinion you should end your engagement because whatever else is going on here you aren’t ready to marry your fiance. 

Post # 60
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I agree with some of the post and I also agree that she seeks help…. whatever help that she sees fit. This site is made for women to reach out to other women without the feeling of being judged. This woman does not deserve that…. you dont know her life and the reason she has this issue. I had a friend that had a similar issue but it was with an uncle …. and everyone thought she was weird and nasty but no one knew she was molested/raped by several family members including that uncle but she buried it so deep she even forgot. What I am saying: if you dont plan on offering this young lady help or nice advice (you can say things but be an adult and not gang up on her) dont even bother posting. What you are doing is showing women on here regardless the issue that they are safe to reach out for help because they will be disrespected and beat up verbally. *sorry for rant*

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