- 5 months ago
Hi Ladies, I’m a 39 year old newly married to a 48 year old. I was a virgin at marriage for religious reasons. My fiance respected my beliefs and was patient to wait. Needless to say we were raring to go! However, we finally get married to discover he has a lot of problems maintaining an erection during sex! Part of the problem is he absolutely insists on condoms since we are not ready to have a child and he is seriously worried about getting me pregnant. I’m on the birth control pill and take it faithfully but he feels very nervous about having sex without a condom so we use both. However the condom seems to really make it hard for him to, well, stay hard. We had sex without a condom just once and that worked very well – he stayed hard and orgasmed quickly and we both enjoyed it immensely. We are experiementing with different condoms but so far they don’t give him the stimulation he needs and he wilts quickly, or he will stay hard during sex but can’t orgasm. He is determined to tackle this problem, and we do believe a lot of it is health related: he is on blood pressure meds and spend many years sedentary eating a fast food diet plus he could lose a little weight, and all of those issues can contribute to ED. Now that we are married, I can really help improve his nutrition and exercise, and he is going to the doctor to see about changing his meds and possibly adding an ED drug. We both have been doing a lot of research and I feel pretty confident we can get to a better spot.
However, I am really struggling emotionally. One of my big problems is that sex has been a big frustration in our relationship prior to marriage. In the beginning, he was worried that I wasn’t very sexually driven and his concern was our drives would not match. At times I felt sexual pressure or that all he wanted was sex. He was constantly grabbing and groping and stroking me. We became more intimate and made out a lot in our engagement and he was always talking about how hard he was for me, how when we got married he would want me every day and how much he was looking forward to it. Well basically he talked up a huge game for a year and then we get married and, boom – complete 180. I adjusted to sex very quickly and am raring to go all the time: I am younger and in much better shape and don’t have to worry about a non functioning body part. He is much more withdrawn now and is not the sexually confident beast he was. He also had very limited experience with sex before marrige and he had no idea that this would be such a problem. Now he is thinking he probably is going to only be able to have sex a few times a week, not the daily marathons he promised me prior to marriage.
I know this is a huge blow to his ego and that there is absolutely nothing he is doing to cause this. I am trying very hard to be supportive and encouraging and I am extremely thankful he is determine to tackle this and get into better health. We both think it will be a trial and error process and that we can take many approaches towards making him healthier and adjusting his meds.
I wish he would feel more comfortable about relying on birth control alone because the condoms seem to be a huge issue. But he gets really anxious about the thought of an unplanned pregnancy and does not feel comfortable going without condoms.
However, I am really struggling emotionally. I’m being honest here – I can’t help feeling what I feel and you can condemn me for my emotions but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel basically screwed over. He talked up a huge game for a year and was bragging about how good he was and how awesome sex will be, then turns out it has been a struggle. I am struggling a lot with anger because I did the “right” thing, I was a “good little Christian girl” who followed the rules and waited for marriage and all the Christian teaching told me if I just waited for marriage, married sex would be awesome and seamless. The past couple years I’ve left the evangelical community and wrestled through a lot of harm the “purity culture” and this experience with marriage has been part of my struggle and fostered a lot of anger and disappointment I’ve carried away from it. I also struggle with always being the Type A doer; I do a lot for my fiance and now we have another big task of figuring his health out. He didn’t take the best care of himself as a single man by eating right and exercising. I’m the one with a lot more experience and knowledge of nutrition and exercise and so to be honest, I now have another task of helping him be healthier and doing a lot more food prep and cooking for us. Honestly, I wish we had started having sex a few months before the wedding so we could have started out work on some of these things but I can’t change the past.
I just ask that you all not condemm me for my emotions – I’m really struggling here and need some encouragement. I love my fiancee dearly and I know this is even more of a struggle for him. I can’t imagine how humiliating this must be for him. Neither one of us want this, but I feel disappointment and a level of resentment – I was told by both the evangelical community that all I had to do was wait for marriage to have awesome sex and my fiance talked up a big game about the awesome sex we would have. And that awesome sex is not happening.
Any encouragement? Are we doomed to a frustrated sex life? It’s still really early in our marriage but I am just so worried and frustrated and so is he!