Post # 1
Member
6 posts
Newbee
Hi Ladies, I’m a 39 year old newly married to a 48 year old. I was a virgin at marriage for religious reasons. My fiance respected my beliefs and was patient to wait. Needless to say we were raring to go! However, we finally get married to discover he has a lot of problems maintaining an erection during sex! Part of the problem is he absolutely insists on condoms since we are not ready to have a child and he is seriously worried about getting me pregnant. I’m on the birth control pill and take it faithfully but he feels very nervous about having sex without a condom so we use both. However the condom seems to really make it hard for him to, well, stay hard. We had sex without a condom just once and that worked very well – he stayed hard and orgasmed quickly and we both enjoyed it immensely. We are experiementing with different condoms but so far they don’t give him the stimulation he needs and he wilts quickly, or he will stay hard during sex but can’t orgasm. He is determined to tackle this problem, and we do believe a lot of it is health related: he is on blood pressure meds and spend many years sedentary eating a fast food diet plus he could lose a little weight, and all of those issues can contribute to ED. Now that we are married, I can really help improve his nutrition and exercise, and he is going to the doctor to see about changing his meds and possibly adding an ED drug. We both have been doing a lot of research and I feel pretty confident we can get to a better spot.
However, I am really struggling emotionally. One of my big problems is that sex has been a big frustration in our relationship prior to marriage. In the beginning, he was worried that I wasn’t very sexually driven and his concern was our drives would not match. At times I felt sexual pressure or that all he wanted was sex. He was constantly grabbing and groping and stroking me. We became more intimate and made out a lot in our engagement and he was always talking about how hard he was for me, how when we got married he would want me every day and how much he was looking forward to it. Well basically he talked up a huge game for a year and then we get married and, boom – complete 180. I adjusted to sex very quickly and am raring to go all the time: I am younger and in much better shape and don’t have to worry about a non functioning body part. He is much more withdrawn now and is not the sexually confident beast he was. He also had very limited experience with sex before marrige and he had no idea that this would be such a problem. Now he is thinking he probably is going to only be able to have sex a few times a week, not the daily marathons he promised me prior to marriage.
I know this is a huge blow to his ego and that there is absolutely nothing he is doing to cause this. I am trying very hard to be supportive and encouraging and I am extremely thankful he is determine to tackle this and get into better health. We both think it will be a trial and error process and that we can take many approaches towards making him healthier and adjusting his meds.
I wish he would feel more comfortable about relying on birth control alone because the condoms seem to be a huge issue. But he gets really anxious about the thought of an unplanned pregnancy and does not feel comfortable going without condoms.
However, I am really struggling emotionally. I’m being honest here – I can’t help feeling what I feel and you can condemn me for my emotions but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel basically screwed over. He talked up a huge game for a year and was bragging about how good he was and how awesome sex will be, then turns out it has been a struggle. I am struggling a lot with anger because I did the “right” thing, I was a “good little Christian girl” who followed the rules and waited for marriage and all the Christian teaching told me if I just waited for marriage, married sex would be awesome and seamless. The past couple years I’ve left the evangelical community and wrestled through a lot of harm the “purity culture” and this experience with marriage has been part of my struggle and fostered a lot of anger and disappointment I’ve carried away from it. I also struggle with always being the Type A doer; I do a lot for my fiance and now we have another big task of figuring his health out. He didn’t take the best care of himself as a single man by eating right and exercising. I’m the one with a lot more experience and knowledge of nutrition and exercise and so to be honest, I now have another task of helping him be healthier and doing a lot more food prep and cooking for us. Honestly, I wish we had started having sex a few months before the wedding so we could have started out work on some of these things but I can’t change the past.
I just ask that you all not condemm me for my emotions – I’m really struggling here and need some encouragement. I love my fiancee dearly and I know this is even more of a struggle for him. I can’t imagine how humiliating this must be for him. Neither one of us want this, but I feel disappointment and a level of resentment – I was told by both the evangelical community that all I had to do was wait for marriage to have awesome sex and my fiance talked up a big game about the awesome sex we would have. And that awesome sex is not happening.
Any encouragement? Are we doomed to a frustrated sex life? It’s still really early in our marriage but I am just so worried and frustrated and so is he!
Post # 2
Member
30 posts
Newbee
I understand sex is new and exciting, but expecting sex every single day isn’t super realistic for most couples. Regardless of what he said before marriage.
I think maybe having your husband go to sex therapy with you could benefit you both. It’d help him get over his fear of not using condoms and overall better communication.
His ED could also be effected by simply being nervous about sex and pregnancy. If he was raised to think sex was shameful like you were, it is a hard switch to turn off mentally. Counseling I think would be the best route to start. I know you’re newlyweds but it’s not shameful if you need some help. It will help you feel less upset about everything too. Women are expected to feel wanted and desired 24-7 by men and it’s simply not the case always. I think just having some guidance to breakdown the religious barriers you’ve both had in your minds would help a lot.
Its good he’s willing to see a doctor too and try medication if it is truly related to medical issues only. But part of me is thinking it could be a combo of age, health and nerves. Just a thought. Good luck.
Post # 3
Member
1800 posts
Buzzing bee
I am curious about when you say that you “are not ready for kids.” Are you hoping to have children eventually? Do you just not want kids? If you never want them, he may want to consider getting a vasectomy so you don’t have to worry about condoms. If he is concerned about not being ready yet at 48 years old and eventually does want kids, what exactly is he waiting for to be ready? Do you guys just want to be married a little longer? 39 and 48 is not too late for kids, but if you do want them eventually, I would start thinking about when. If not, there are more long term solutions for him than condoms.
Aside from that, I think sex a few times a week is much more realistic for most couples than daily sex marathons, regardless of ED. He may have had higher expectations of himself from when he was younger. There may also be a lot of pressure for him because you guys waited so long for this. If you are unable to get into a groove, there are also meds that may be able to help, depending on his health issues. Good luck!
Post # 4
Member
2558 posts
Sugar bee
“I was told by both the evangelical community that all I had to do was wait for marriage to have awesome sex and my fiance talked up a big game about the awesome sex we would have.”
Well this is just a giagantic lie and I’m sorry that you were made these promises. Good sex doesn’t just magically happen.
I also had the same question as a PP about when you were going to start trying? I have a lot of friends who had children at 40, but I think it’s recommended that you consider starting sooner rather than later, unless you plan on using an egg donor and a surrogate. Because maybe you should throw caution to the wind and stop using condoms so that he can perform.
Or there are always drugs for that problem.
Post # 5
Member
3230 posts
Sugar bee
Are you planning on having kids at some point? If so, given your ages, I would think an oops wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen, so why is he so worried about it??
If you don’t ever want kids he should just go get snipped.
This strikes me as very strange.
Post # 6
Member
9391 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
If you’re “not ready for kids” are you planning on trying eventually…? Because I’d get on that boat quickly if so.
He could just go to the doctor and request some viagra. Or get a vasectomy if he’s so worried about it.
Sex is definitely not something most people are great at immediately. Like, at all. lol
Post # 7
Member
1983 posts
Buzzing bee
- Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK
He didn’t think your sex drives would match? So had he had sexual partners before you? Agree with PP that every day isn’t realistic for most couples.
Post # 8
Member
2558 posts
Sugar bee
It’s so easy to talk a big game when you don’t have to perform…he’s probably really nervous. As a couple I think you can work through this.
What I would do is find out what he fantasized about before you got married? He has to have some kink or fantasy that he used while knocking one out. Maybe try to role play a bit and get him back in that head space.
Post # 9
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
Dear bee, there are ways he (and you!) can satisfy you without maintaining an erection.
Figure out your own sexual satisfaction. Even purchase a vibrator – it doesn’t have to be a penetrating one to do the job well –
having the pressure all on his penis isn’t going to help. Have fun learning and practicing foreplay, tantra, slowing things down, connecting.
It will all be ok.
Results-oriented sex isn’t ultimately satisfying – focus on exploration and delight.
Post # 10
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
It seems both of you are inexperienced iwth sex. Try some reading, together. Maybe start wtih a couple of books – “Sheet Music: Unocovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage,” and “She Comes First.” I’m pretty sure they are both on Amazon. Read the books together and have fun. It might help your husband relax knowing that it’s not all about his erection, which could ease his stress enough to help his ED.
Also, you seem to be inexperienced with pregnancy and should do some research on that as well. Women’s fertility (and the health of male sperm) drops as the parents get older. You might be surprised how hard it could be for you to get pregnant, so if you really do want children some day, you need to speak to a doctor about it so you are better prepared. Get your fertility checked, both you and your husband, for starters.
Post # 11
Member
3917 posts
Honey bee
Stories like this have convinced me that waiting until marriage to have sex with the one and only person you are going to be intimate with all your life is a huge, huge mistake. I’m sorry if I offend the religious people here on the board, but I think this mentality does such a disservice to couples. Sex is a very important part of a relationship and you should know it’s good before you make a lifelong commitment.
OP, he can try Viagra, but he’d be better off working out and boosting his cardio. Erections are all about blood flow and the lack of one can presage cardiac issues. And of course Bridal Party meds will impede erections, but cardio activities will lower Bridal Party naturally over time.
Post # 12
Member
2558 posts
Sugar bee
sunburn : LOL at Bridal Party meds.
Post # 13
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
Dear God (literally), I wish no one had told you such lies about sex. It is almost never magically awesome without any knowledge/preparation, so you were just kinda set up to fail there. As such I absolutely do not condemn you for being disappointed, you seem to be really taking his feelings to heart alongside your own, and also seem willing to work for it, which is what you have to do. But working for something doesn’t have to be an exhausting, hopeless process, it can be really empowering! The key ingredients are open communication and tenderness (as pat as that sounds). Try to find a good sex therapist in your area (preferably one who is educated about your particular religious views). Your ideas about nutrition and exercise are great. It might also be a good idea for your husband to see a pelvic floor physical therapist. You’d be surprised by how many issues with arousal have to do with that area—problems with the pelvic floor aren’t just for ladies, and they often result from a complex mixture of physical and emotional problems. If he has been as immobile as you suggest, and especially if he’s been extremely stressed, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has some weakness/tension down there. Despite the number of men out there who refuse to use condoms becuase they “can’t feel anything”, not being able to achieve arousal and orgasm while using a condom is not necessarily normal and does point to a lack of sensitivity. And if he is as nervous about pregnancy as you say, having sex without a condom might just increase his anxiety and that probably won’t help matters.
As for deciding whether or not to have kids right now based on this one problem, I can’t help but feel like that’s mixing two separate issues. Don’t have kids or have them at whatever time you’re comfortable with, but health (emotional and physical) comes first.
Good luck!
Bridal Party meds….the opposite of Viagra?
Post # 14
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
sunburn : It especially screws women over. Like why the hell do men not have to live up to the same virginal standards you do? OP’s husband isn’t a virgin and neither are the husbands of many of the women who repress themselves.
And even if he were a virgin, sorry not sorry but men’s sexual performance declines like hell with age. ED, PME, libido…so you’ve really lost a lot of valuable time having the best sex of your life.
What if the kinks and drive don’t match up? You’ve lost decades of bomb ass sex just to marry someone who probably isn’t a virgin, may not share similar kinks or last long enough or be able to stay hard. All these sufferings are easily avoidable if you test drive the biggest fucking investment of your life before buying it…
So sorry for what’s happening to you, OP. I’d haul his ass to the doctors. He had to have known about this problem and just refused to fess up to it.
Post # 15
Member
3230 posts
Sugar bee
sharpshooter : 😂😂😂😂 I was so confused! I was like what?? Is she implying he took a bunch of drugs at his bachelor party or something?! Hahaha
Member