Just got married and he's got problems with ED

posted 6 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 16
2113 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

My husband (46) takes a small dose of generic Cialis every day for a enlarged prostate issue that runs in his family, but it also helps him stay hard… he had issues once in a while with that once he hit his mid 40s.  I think something like that could really help your guy’s confidence and keep him from feeling so much pressure.  Also, just be aware that while women’s sex drives often increase in their 40s, men’s tend to decrease.  That doesn’t reflect on you, it’s just biology.

As for the emotions part of it… yeah the “good little Christian girl” think is a crock of BS.  I’m sorry you’ve spent your whole life subject to that.  But it’s not your husband’s fault that you weren’t willing to be intimate before marriage, so try not to take it out on him that you two weren’t able to explore all of this beforehand.  A lot of guys talk a big talk and don’t really back it up.

Post # 18
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I agree with the other posters about having him consider a vasectomy if you’re not wanting children. If you are, maybe consider an iud which is like 99.8% effective? 

Also I think it’s a bit over ambitious for daily sex, after the “honeymoon period” the vast majority of couples do not have sex daily.

Post # 19
286 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you need to beat yourself up for feeling disappointed and resentful. This is a difficult situation to be in. If you let him see your anger, thought, he’s going to be in his head even more and have more trouble performing.

How long did you date before you got married? Some people can take a while to warm back up to sex after a long period of celibacy.  They’ve been taking care of their own needs for a long time and it can be hard to get used to communicating well with a partner and hitting all the right spots after you’re used to…um…your hand. I dated a guy who had been celibate for 3 years after his divorce and things were really awkward and difficult for a while. He had a hard (hehe) time keeping it up. It sorted itself out. 

Would you consider a more reliable form of BC like an IUD or Nexplanon? That might make him more comfortable with not using condoms.

Post # 20
1308 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with previous posters, that your expectations of sex may be a tad unrealistic if you think regular all day sex sessions are normal and having sex a couple of times a week isn’t. I think it’s highly unusual for any married couples to be having sex all day long, so I wouldn’t be too harsh on him for breaking that “promise”. Like PPs have said, he may have had sex a long time ago and was basing his comments off his previous performances, now he’s older, less healthy and on medication he’s finding that he can’t live up to the hype he created. It may also be a nerves or physiological thing, sometimes a man loses his erection once and then that triggers performance anxiety. 

You sound very understanding of the situation and proactive, but I would try and change your expectations and your mindset about sex, especially about having perfect sex because you waited until marriage (that is completely false and I would imagine the opposite is more likely to be true). There’s also plenty of ways you can have sex that do not involve an erect penis. I orgasm every single time I have sex and my partner is a woman (and we don’t use fake penises). A close friend of mine told me since having kids her fiancé struggles with ED and they still have regular sex (using oral and fingers etc) she feels it’s actually better now than before as she orgasms more frequently. So I would say experiment a bit with different things and that will take the pressure off him in terms of needing an erection or it being game over and help you feel more satisfied. 


Post # 21
31 posts

I think the other bees have given you some great suggestions. 

Dont feel bad for what you are feeling. You have every right to feel this way. You were somehow very strong willed and manages to remain a virgin for all of your adult life. It’s expected that you would “hype it up” in your head and then you heard your husbands words, and those feelings towards sex may have gotten more exaggerated. ALL NORMAL. 

i am so sorry that you are going through this. I suggest you evaluate everyone’s suggestions and try a few, because you certainly don’t want this to ruin the honeymoon stage of your marriage. 

Post # 22
1246 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry, but your expectations are not realistic. Your husband is older, as are you, with medical probs and pressure it’s pretty normal to have some troubles or ed, and he is withdrawing because he is feeling like a failure, and your attitude about it isnt helping. 


I am sure he WANTED to be the one to deflower and introduce  you to great sex. But the fantasy didn’t play out because reality interfered. He didn’t mislead you. 


I feel like you need to stop diagnosing the issues, see the doctor, and a couples counsellor. You could be more compassionate and supportive of your husband. 

Understandable you want to make up for lost time. But you have to stop the blame and face reality, deal with it, and work on the issue in a positive way. It’s not about you, but you are resentful. Of the church, of your husband. 

I am sure the church didn’t tell you would have only mind blowing sex every day, forever. And if you would have believed that…

Post # 23
7849 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

So he can perform perfectly fine without a condom? I think yall just need to lose the condoms. There is really no reason to use condoms if you’re on the pill (and in a monogamous relationship). It’s overkill.

And I agree with pp that sex every day is not realistic for most couples in the long term. Do you think you’d be content with a few times a week if he were able to perform every time?


Post # 24
3947 posts
Honey bee


Oh this freaking site. B P is blood pressure not bridal party. Thanks WB for making my entire post nonsensical. I’m so used to writing B P it didn’t occur to me that it could be anything else. 

Maybe I should start taking some bridal party drugs.

Post # 25
3947 posts
Honey bee

mixybee :  It’s an unpopular opinion, but I believe most judeo-Christian-Islamic religions at their heart are all about keeping women down.

To all: This is only my opinion, I am not stating it as fact, but by all means flag the post if it offends you.

Post # 26
104 posts
Blushing bee

 I truly thik some of this is medical. Blood pressure meds can have an effect on maintaining erections. Is he on any antidperessants? His internal medicine physician can order a simple blood test for (prostate). At 48 his numbers could be higher than you think. The lower prostate number the better. There are medications for this. Many men feel lack of stimulation with condoms. I think you have to convince him the condoms have to go. Diet and exercise will help but some men do have to take meds to maintain an erection. Would he be open to that? This can be solved and it is not really an unusual problem. Try to be sexual in other ways besides intercourse. Unfotunately, as we get older, men experience erection problems and women experience issues with dryness as they hit menopause or premenopause. I am confused about the pregnancy/children part. If he is 48 and wants children, when does he think he will be ready? He will have teenageers in his 60s. If you don’t want children that is your choice but if you do, maybe you need to address what his fears are.

Post # 27
188 posts
Blushing bee

sunburn :  I wholeheartedly agree. The shit these women put up with astounds me. Meanwhile the men are running around town doing whatever the fuck they want without a care in the world. 

Post # 28
2251 posts
Buzzing bee

mixybee :   sunburn :  and to make it all worse, the women internalize it and pass it down for generations to come. it’s sad that religion teaches women that they have to withhold themselves from engaging in life’s pleasures just so that a man will hopefully eventually love her, and if she does engage in sexual activity then she’s not deserving of worthwhile companionship :/

Post # 29
2675 posts
Sugar bee

happiekrappie :  I’d encourage you to learn about the religion first, before you start spewing completely false statements.

Post # 30
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2008 - County courthouse

I’ve dealt with ED in my marriage for about 2 years. It made me feel like it was my fault and that my husband didn’t desire me. But those were all lies. My husband was stressed out ajd it affected his ability to stay hard. We woked through those issues. It Will still take him a minute or two to get a hard on, but we eventually have sex. My husband is 43. I’m 32. His age affects alot of his ED issues I think. In your husband’s case, I think his unhealthy lifestyle coupled with his severe sex anxieties are contributing to his ED. Y’all need to have a very serious talk. Most men will deny any ED issue they have becuase they think somehow they are less than a man. Voice your concerned on a gentle note and suggest therapy for y’all both or just him. Please help him live a more healthy lifestyle as well. I know how you feel…i really do. Just be patient with him and work with him. Make sure he gets the help he needs.

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